(Deputy Eugene and Alowyshius exit from the jail onto the porch, arguing over a lit piece of cord.)
Deputy Alowyshius:
I'm tellin you Deputy Eugene, it's magical.
Deputy Eugene:
That ain't magical, Deputy Alowyshius, it's just a piece of dynamite fuse.
Deputy Alowyshius:
No it ain't. I got this from an old Navaho woman who said it's full of it.
Deputy Eugene:
It ain't the fuse that's full of it. Here, lemme look at that.
(Deputy Eugene and Deputy Alowyshius start fighting over the fuse and they end up tossing it into the box that says "dynamite-no flames". They look at each other for a sec and then dive to the porch just before the explosion goes off)
(Concussion Bomb next to Jail)
Deputy Alowyshius
Eugene! Take a gander at all them folk out there. Whaddyou reckon they're a doin'?
Deputy Eugene:
Well, last time I had that many people a-starin' at me, my pants was a-unbuttoned and my you-know-what was a showin'
Belle:
Well, if that's the case, why don't you come on over here and let us help you with that.
Shannon:
'Course, it'll cost ya.
Lilly:
That's right, no more freebies for any of ya. I don't care if you are the law.
Deputy Eugene:
(scared)
Alowyshius, them wimmen's a talkin' to me agin.
Deputy Alowyshius:
Just pretend like you don't see 'em and they'll go away.
(Deputy Alowyshius and Deputy Eugene sit down in the chairs on the porch, humming to themselves and trying to ignore the saloon girls that slowly move closer)
Lilly:
Hey deputies, sure you don't wanna come and play?
Jezebel:
I got a special trick I wanna show ya.
Deputy Eugene:
They're getting closer!
Deputy Alowyshius:
No they aren't, 'cause they aren't really there.
(The saloon girls get right next to the deputies)
Shannon:
It's play time!
(The saloon girls surround the deputies and start to paw at them, causing them to both whine and close their eyes tightly)
(Enter Sheriff McHendrick from the jail)
Sheriff McHendrick:
What're you harlots doin' to my poor deputies? Go on back to your saloon and try to do something respectable for a livin.
Lilly:
Hmph. You seemed to think it was pretty respectable last week, sheriff… (caresses the sheriff's chin) or should I call you, Mr. Happy?
(Sheriff McHendrick grins from ear to ear leaning towards Lilly, then recovers and puts on a stern face)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Ahem… well… uh… Madame Josephine, can't you keep these girls of yours under control?
Madame Josephine:
Not if I plan on making any money out of this durned saloon, I can't. You done run out the outlaws, and they were the only ones spendin' money around here.
Sheriff McHendrick:
Now, Josephine, I'm just doin' my job here. It's a hard life enforcing the law around he… (spots the audience). Well, howdy ya'll, my name's Tyrell McHendrick and I'm the sheriff around these here parts. I reckon a crowd of folks like yourself must be here to see if you can sneak a peak at the notorious Black Bart
[Black Bart Theme Music]
Deputy Eugene:
You hear that Alowyshius?
Deputy Alowyshius:
Only thing I hear is the sheriff's mouth a runnin.
Sheriff McHendrick:
Well, that outlaw and his gang of bandits wouldn't dare show their faces around here. I just got word wired to me that he robbed the payroll stagecoach yesterday and he was a heading this way. Well, me and my deputies cleaned up this area of all the bandits, and word gets around. Really nasty bandits, like Long-Toothed Luke, Short-Legged Stan, and Wedding Gown Willie. I figure we're too tough even a dangerous desperado like Black Bart.
[Black Bart Theme Music]
Deputy Eugene:
There is goes agin, Sheriff. (to the audience) Am I th’ only one hearin’ that?
Deputy Alowyshius:
Will you shut up? I'm tryin' ta pick my teeth here.
Sheriff McHendrick:
Legend says that he can't be killed by a bullet. Well, there's other ways of killin' a man than shootin' him. If he does show up, we gots us a little trap for his gang, so if ya'll see him, just sit back and enjoy the show, y’hear?
(Sheriff McHendrick goes back into the jail. Deputy Eugene and Deputy Alowyshius busy themselves facing away from the saloon)
Belle:
Well, looks like it's gonna be another long day without work.
Josephine:
Don't you girls worry, some durned fool will show up lookin' ta spend his money. They always do.
(Enter Dandy Dan and Hard Luck Harry from beside the jail.)
Hard Luck Harry:
You know somethin' Dandy Dan? I'm really lookin' ta spend my money.
Dandy Dan:
You always do.
Hard Luck Harry:
Well heck-fire, we got loads and loads of it robbin' that stagecoach with Black Bart
[Black Bart Theme Music]
(The Black Bart theme music scares Deputy Eugene, causing him to fall off the porch)
Deputy Alowyshius:
You all right, Eugene?
Deputy Eugene:
That durned music sure scared me, Alowyshius.
Deputy Alowyshius:
You really gotta lay off them there sodi-pop, iffn' yer starting ta hear things.
(Deputy Eugene and Deputy Alowyshius go back to playing cards)
Dandy Dan:
Well, we got the money, and we got the time, now all we need is a good place to spend… (sees the saloon girls) …well, hello sugar!
Jezebel:
Oooh, outlaws!
Belle:
Now, don't get all fired up, Jezebel. I know that one, he ain't nuthin' but a cheat. Don't be sellin' nuthin' to these two unless you see some money first.
(Dandy Dan and Hard Luck Harry reach into their money bags and pull out big wads of cash)
Lilly:
(bounding up towards Jezebel and Belle)
Step aside girls, I smell money!
(Madame Josephine steps up to restrain Lilly)
Josephine:
Now hold on a minute, girl. You're gonna scare the fish away. I know I taught you better than that. (to the bandits) Ya'll come on in here and put your feet up, then we will too, right girls?
Shannon:
I know I'll put my feet up.
(The saloon girls escort the bandits into the saloon)
(Deputy Eugene jumps up from the porch where he and Deputy Alowyshius are playing cards)
Deputy Eugene:
Ha! I told you I'd win. Go fish!
Deputy Alowyshius:
We're playin slapjack, ya idjit!
Deputy Eugene:
We are? How do you play that?
Deputy Alowyshius:
It's easy. Now put your card right here.
Deputy Eugene:
(placing his card down)
All right, now what?
(Deputy Alowyshius slaps Deputy Eugene)
(Deputy Cletus enters from the jail)
Deputy Cletus:
What are you two doin out here?
Deputy Eugene:
(pointing at Deputy Alowyshius)
He hit me, Cletus!
Deputy Alowyshius:
Well, that's what he gets for claimin' he can hear music cain't no one else hear.
Deputy Cletus:
Ya'll need ta quit foolin' about and start keepin an eye out for them bandits what are supposed to be comin' this way.
Deputy Alowyshius:
We'll keep a close eye out fer 'em, Deputy Cletus, we promise. Yer not gonna tell the sheriff are ya?
Deputy Cletus:
(leaning in towards the window)
Well, maybe I should tell the sheriff on…
(The shutters on the window fly open, bashing Deputy Cletus in the nose, and the Sheriff McHendrick pokes his head out)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Someone call me?
(Deputy Alowyshius and Deputy Eugene both shake their heads)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Oh well.
(Sheriff McHendrick retreats back in the jail)
Deputy Cletus:
(holding his nose)
I'm just gonna get some bandages for muh nose.
(Deputy Cletus exits into the jail)
Deputy Alowyshius:
All right, Eugene. We've gotta keep an eye and an ear out fer them bandits.
Deputy Eugene:
Yer right, Alowyshius, just like real deputies.
(Both of them peer around them for a couple of seconds until Deputy Eugene spots a lizard on the side of the porch)
Deputy Eugene:
Look! A lizard!
Deputy Alowyshius:
Where?
(Both Deputy Alowyshius and Deputy Eugene dive to the edge of the porch, hunting for the lizard)
(Enter Black Bart, Calamity Kate, and Nitro from the middle towards the saloon)
Nitro:
Hey Black Bart.
[Black Bart Theme Music]
Deputy Eugene:
(to Deputy Alowyshius)
You hear that?
Black Bart:
Yes?
Deputy Alowyshius:
No.
Nitro:
Where's that gol-danged saloon that's supposed to be around here?
Black Bart:
It's gotta be right here, somewheres.
Calamity Kate:
What is it with this gang anyways? Yer always lookin for a saloon ta blow your loot in. If you were smart, you'd take that invest it in money-makin' ventures such as…
Black Bart:
Hey now. We're not gonna have any of that wimmen-talk about savin our money. You're a bandit, Calamity Kate, start actin' like it.
Nitro:
Hey Bart, here's the saloon we're lookin fer.
Black Bart:
You've got good eyes, Nitro. I'll bet Dandy Dan and Hard Luck Harry are already here.
(The shutters to the saloon open and Dandy Dan sticks his head out with a bottle in his hand)
Dandy Dan:
(slurring)
This is the best party I've ever seen. (sees Black Bart) Hey, I know you.
Belle:
(Coming up behind Dandy Dan and pulling him back in)
C'mon Dandy Dan, you still got a little life left in ya.
Nitro:
Hot dog! Let's get in there!
Calamity Kate:
Uh uh. I ain't goin in there. What am I gonna do in a whorehouse like that?
Black Bart:
(being tugged along by Nitro)
Fine, you don't gotta go in. You just sit out here and think about ways to blow yer money like an outlaw.
(Nitro pulls Black Bart into the Saloon)
Calamity Kate:
(sitting down in the rocking chair on the porch)
Man, being a bandit is a pain in the butt, if you ask me.
(Calamity Kate nods off to sleep just as Dandy Dan and Jezebel come out the door to the saloon. Dandy Dan is visibly drunk and being supported by Jezebel)
Dandy Dan:
Boy, you girls sure know how to make a man feel welcome. (almost bumps into the sleeping Calamity Kate) Oops! (to Jezebel) Shhhh!
(Dandy Dan starts creeping away from Calamity Kate who promptly takes her whip out and hits him on the butt, then snaps back to sleep)
(Dandy Dan turns around and takes a wild swing at whoever hit him, which Jezebel has to duck)
Jezebel:
Whoa, there hoss. Ain't nobody out here but just the two of us.
Dandy Dan:
It's a good thing, too, 'cause we're awful close to the jail. Hey, we should have those two keep an eye out for the sheriff.
(Dandy Dan approaches Deputy Eugene and Deputy Alowyshius, then taps Deputy Alowyshius on the shoulder)
Dandy Dan:
Excuse me? Could I trouble you to keep an eye out for any nasty lawmen?
Deputy Alowyshius:
No problem, mister. I'll be sure and let you know if any come by and… (recognizes Dandy Dan) Hey! You're that outlaw! Eugene, look!
(Deputy Eugene peers first at Dandy Dan, then at Jezebel, then jumps back letting out a loud gasp)
Deputy Alowyshius:
I know, it's Dandy Dan the bandit.
Deputy Eugene:
I don't care nuthin 'bout him, don't you recognize her? That’s…
(Jezebel silences Deputy Eugene with a right cross, sending him slumping to the floor)
Jezebel:
Oops! Tee-hee.
Deputy Alowyshius:
Sheriff! Sheriff! It's Dandy Dan!
(Deputy Alowyshius tries to draw his gun from it's holster while Dandy Dan pulls his gun and holds it to Deputy Alowyshius's face)
Dandy Dan:
Don't you move a muscle, I got a bead on ya.
(Dandy Dan keeps weaving back and forth and Deputy Alowyshius keeps trying to avoid the gun.)
(The door to the jail flies open and Deputy Cletus tries to exit)
Deputy Cletus:
Hold it right…
(Deputy Cletus bangs his head on the doorframe, sending him back into the jail. Sheriff McHendrick emerges behind him with his gun trained on Dan)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Well, if it ain't Dandy Dan, the lady-killer of bandits. Best just drop that iron if ya wanna live to see yer hangin'.
Dandy Dan:
Oh, howdy Sheriff. You see? I wasn't trying to hurt the lil' fella here. We were just playing a game…
Deputy Alowyshius:
Ha!
(Deputy Alowyshius manages to draw his gun towards Dandy Dan and ends up hitting Dandy Dan's gun from below, sending it into the hands of Sheriff McHendrick)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Well, all's well that ends well. Well, at least it'll end well for me. I'm not so sure about you, there Dandy Dan. Eugene, get over here and put this outlaw in… Eugene? (kicks Eugene on the ground) Eugene, get yer lazy carcass up and bind up this bandit.
(Deputy Eugene gives a start and jumps up to help. Deputy Cletus emerges from the jail, rubbing his head)
Deputy Cletus:
What're you gonna do about her, sheriff?
Sheriff McHendrick:
Why we're gonna send the lil' strumpet back to her dirty work, aren't we Jezebel?
Jezebel:
I was gonna tell you sheriff, there's more in the…
Sheriff McHendrick:
We'll talk about it later, ya hussy. No go back to work.
(Jezebel gets angry and turns to walk away when Sheriff McHendrick gives her a slap on the butt, then jumps out of the way)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Git along lil' doggie.
(Jezebel turns and kicks Deputy Cletus in the groin who was standing right behind Sheriff McHendrick)
Jezebel:
I don't get paid enough for this.
(Jezebel stomps back to the saloon)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Ya gotta be quicker than that Deputy.
(Sheriff McHendrick grabs Dandy Dan and positions him on front of the porch)
Sheriff McHendrick:
(to Dandy Dan)
Get over here, you. (to deputies) and you two, your gonna be bailiffs in my court of law.
(Deputy Eugene, and Deputy Alowyshius move to either side of Dandy Dan)
Dandy Dan:
Court of law? There ain’t nothin here but scrub brush and saloons, sheriff.
(Sheriff throws a judges wig on his head and pulls out a gavel)
Sheriff McHendrick:
That’s "your honor" to you, perpetrator. Judge Tyrell McHendrick presiding here in this court of law for the Scrub Brush and Saloon District.
Dandy Dan:
Well, this outta be a fair trial.
Sheriff McHendrick:
We of the jury, find the defendant guilty as charged.
Dandy Dan:
Jury? What jury?
Sheriff McHendrick:
Defendant is sentenced to hang immediately.
Dandy Dan:
Hang!?! Now hold on a minute, I…
Sheriff McHendrick:
Hangman, take him away.
Deputy Cletus:
Ooh, ooh. That’s me!
(Deputy Cletus grabs Dandy Dan and begins to take him towards the gallows. Deputy Eugene and Deputy Alowyshius move to the end of the porch to watch.)
Deputy Cletus:
Don’t worry, this’ll only hurt for a minute.
Dandy Dan:
That’s comforting.
Sheriff McHendrick:
Well, another day, another outlaw hanged. I wonder what’s cookin’ in the kitchen?
(Sheriff McHendrick exits into the jail)
Deputy Alowyshius:
This is gonna be fun. I ain’t never seen a real hanging before.
Deputy Eugene:
You did too. We saw one yesterday.
Deputy Alowyshius:
Yeah, but hangin’ a chicken don’t count. (pause) I’m gonna get a closer look.
(Deputy Alowyshius hops down off the porch and moves next to Deputy Cletus and Dandy Dan)
Deputy Eugene:
Heck, I don’t need to be close to watch a villain like Dandy Dan hang.
(At Deputy Eugene’s words, Calamity Kate awakens with a start and stands)
Calamity Kate:
Hey hombre, did you just say Dandy Dan was gonna hang?
Deputy Eugene:
Yup, sure did. He’s right over th… (recognizes Calamity Kate) Hey! You’re…
(Calamity Kate punches Deputy Eugene, knocking him out cold. Calamity Kate lowers him down to the ground)
(Calamity Kate opens up the saloon door and shouts inside before entering.)
Calamity Kate:
Hey Bart, you ain’t gonna believe what happened to Dan!
(Calamity Kate enters the saloon)
(Henry and Ethel make their way up from the house to stand next to Deputy Alowyshius.)
Ethel:
What’s going on around here, Deputy?
Deputy Cletus:
Nuthin’ ma’am. We’re just gonna hang us an outlaw.
Henry:
Well tarnation. We ain’t seen us a hangin’ since Deputy Alowyshius here hung his chicken.
Deputy Alowyshius:
It weren’t my chicken!
Deputy Cletus:
(looking at his pocket watch)
Now all we gotta do is wait 80 seconds.
Ethel:
80 seconds? Why we gotta wait 80 seconds? I wanna see him swing.
Deputy Cletus:
‘Cause we gotta wait ‘til high noon.
Henry:
(looking at the sky)
High noon? It ain’t even close to high noon.
Deputy Cletus:
It is by my watch.
(The door to the saloon is kicked open by Hard Luck Harry)
Hard Luck Harry:
Hold it right…
(Hard Luck Harry bangs his head on the door frame much like Deputy Cletus did earlier, he is grabbed and thrown backwards by Black Bart, Calamity Kate, and Nitro who then emerge onto the porch, their guns trained on Deputy Cletus and Deputy Alowyshius)
Black Bart:
As he was saying, hold it right there, law dogs.
Deputy Alowyshius:
It's Black Bart
[Black Bart Theme Music]
Deputy Alowyshius:
… and his gang!
Henry:
(Checking a watch on his wrist that isn’t there)
Ooh, uh… I think it’s time we get back to them there crops, Ethel.
Ethel:
Right, can’t leave them crops alone for a second.
(Henry and Ethel make their way back to the house)
Calamity Kate:
You'd best just make peace with yer maker deputy, cause we're about to give ya a lead sandwich.
(Deputy Alowyshius stands with his hands held high, for a second, looks around, then runs for the tree.)
Black Bart:
Shoot 'im.
(Calamity Kate, Bart, and Nitro open up with shots towards Deputy Alowyshius, who hops, jumps, and dives to cover behind the tree)
2 pistol shots from Nitro
2 pistol shots from Calamity Kate
2 pistol shots from Bart
Deputy Alowyshius:
(Poking his head out from behind the tree)
You missed me, you missed me.
(Bart, Nitro, and Calamity Kate fire shots towards him, causing him to jump back behind the tree)
1 pistol shot from Nitro
1 pistol shot from Calamity Kate
1 pistol shot from Bart
Black Bart:
Well, now that we got him, all we gotta do is…
Deputy Cletus:
Times up!
(Deputy Cletus kicks the box out from under Dandy Dan's feet, causing him to dangle from the noose.)
Calamity Kate:
Dang, Bart. They're really hangin him!
Black Bart:
You two better go get him loose, then.
(Nitro and Calamity Kate move towards the end of the porch when Deputy Alowyshius fires a shot at them.)
1 pistol shots from Deputy Alowyshius
(At the sound of the shot, Nitro and Calamity Kate duck for cover)
Black Bart:
You're wastin' yer shots, deputy. I cain't be killed by no bullet.
1 pistol shots from Deputy Alowyshius
Black Bart:
Told ya.
Deputy Cletus:
Hold on, Alowyshius. I got him.
(Deputy Cletus takes careful aim and fires off a shot towards Bart, who catches the bullet in his teeth)
Deputy Cletus:
Dang, I musta got a bad batch of bullets or somethin'.
(Deputy Cletus looks into his gun barrel and Bart takes careful aim at him)
Black Bart:
Hey, smiley.
(Deputy Cletus look up, just as Bart fires a shot, taking his hat off. Deputy Cletus takes off for the cover of the tree)
Black Bart:
Hang on a minute, there, Dan.
Calamity Kate:
(laughing)
That's pretty funny.
Black Bart:
What's funny?
Calamity Kate:
You know. Hang on a minute.
Black Bart:
Oh, I guess that is kind of funny, ain't it?
(Bart, Nitro, and Calamity Kate all start laughing until Dandy Dan starts making a loud choking sound)
Black Bart:
Whoops! Sorry about that, Dan.
(Bart fires a shot, severing the rope and sending Dandy Dan plummeting to the ground.)
1 pistol shot from Bart
Black Bart:
Kate, Nitro, you two go get him loose before he gets in trouble again.
Hard Luck Harry:
(emerging from the saloon)
What do ya want me to do, Bart?
Black Bart:
(gesturing to Deputy Eugene)
You get rid of the dead guy there 'fore he starts stinking the place up.
Hard Luck Harry:
Right.
(Hard Luck Harry starts to pick up the unconscious Deputy Eugene)
Deputy Alowyshius:
Looks like these rattlesnakes got us dead to rights, Cletus.
Deputy Cletus:
Less'n we can find a way to get to the sheriff.
Deputy Alowyshius:
We cain't do that while we're outgunned.
Deputy Cletus:
We need to find a way to wake up that lazy Deputy Eugene.
Deputy Alowyshius:
Well, if we're gonna do that, we need to get him away from Black Bart.
[Black Bart Theme Music]
(The music wakes up Deputy Eugene, who scares Hard Luck Harry)
Hard Luck Harry:
Ah! Zombie!
(Hard Luck Harry runs to hide behind Bart)
Black Bart:
What's wrong with you?
Deputy Cletus:
Eugene! Go get the sheriff or we're all gonna get kilt!
Black Bart:
(turning to see Deputy Eugene)
Ha! You ain't going anywhere, pokey.
(Black Bart aims a gun at Deputy Eugene, who cringes in terror)
(The saloon girls, led my Josephine see Deputy Eugene in peril and come charging out of the saloon)
Josephine:
Don't you be hurtin' him, he's my favorite customer. Get him girls!
(The saloon girls attack Bart, who quickly interposes Hard Luck Harry between himself and the girls. The girls end up beating on Hard Luck Harry, except for Jezebel, who slaps Deputy Eugene on the butt)
Jezebel:
Aren't you supposed to be getting' the sheriff?
(Deputy Eugene shakes himself, then runs for the jail)
Deputy Eugene:
Sheriff McHendrick! Sheriff McHendrick!
(The saloon girls are still whacking on Hard Luck Harry when Bart fires his gun, stopping them and causing them to scream and huddle together by the window)
1 pistol shot from Bart
Black Bart:
All right, that's about enough of this. (to Nitro, Calamity Kate, and Dandy Dan) Ya'll ready to start acting like bandits?
Dandy Dan:
You bet I am. I got a score to settle with these mongrels.
(Dandy Dan, Nitro, and Calamity Kate begin moving to the front of the saloon, firing towards Deputy Cletus & Deputy Alowyshius. Spacing out the fire a bit.)
1 pistol shot from Nitro
1 pistol shot from Calamity Kate
1 pistol shot from Dandy Dan
(Sheriff McHendrick and Deputy Eugene emerge from the jail, pointing their guns at the bandits)
(The Sheriff McHendrick fires a shot, sending Calamity Kate’s pistol to the ground.)
Sheriff McHendrick:
You ain’t no good without yer gun, Calamity Kate.
Calamity Kate:
Like I need a gun to take care of the likes of you!
(Calamity Kate unlimbers her bullwhip)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Eugene, go arrest her.
(Calamity Kate cracks her whip)
Deputy Eugene:
But, I don’t wanna arrest her.
Sheriff McHendrick:
Don’t argue with the Sheriff, Deputy. She ain’t got a gun, so go get her.
Deputy Eugene:
Oh all right.
Black Bart:
(to Hard Luck Harry)
This is gonna be fun. Watch this.
(Deputy Eugene tries to close in on Calamity Kate, who keeps him at bay with a couple of cracks)
(He finally gets wrapped up in the whip and sent spinning back towards the Sheriff McHendrick)
Deputy Eugene:
Where’d she go, Sheriff?
(Calamity Kate cracks a whip, hitting Deputy Eugene on the butt, sending him yelping towards the Sheriff McHendrick)
Sheriff McHendrick:
All right, you outlaws. Put 'em in the air!
(Calamity Kate, Dandy Dan, Nitro, Bart, and Hard Luck Harry all point their guns back at them)
Hard Luck Harry:
This high enough?
(Sheriff McHendrick and Deputy Eugene look at each other, then bolt back towards the jail under a hail of gunfire from the outlaws)
1 pistol shot from Nitro
1 pistol shot from Calamity Kate
1 pistol shot from Dandy Dan
1 pistol shot from Hard Luck Harry
2 pistol shots from Bart
Black Bart:
All right, we got 'em trapped in the jail. Dandy Dan, you keep an eye on those two over there, Harry and I will keep these two penned up while Calamity Kate starts a fire under their boots. Nitro, you go and get the explosives.
Nitro:
Time to blow somethin up! Ha ha ha!
(Nitro exits by the homesteaders' house cackling all the way. Calamity Kate moves around to the side door of the saloon to get a torch.)
(Deputy Eugene sticks his head out of the door to the jail)
Deputy Eugene:
Hey bandits.
(Deputy Eugene sticks out his tongue and spits at the outlaws, then ducks back inside quickly)
Hard Luck Harry:
I'll get him, Bart.
(Hard Luck Harry moves to the window of the jail, closing slowly on the door, Bart moves to check on Calamity Kate)
Black Bart:
Careful over there, Hard Luck.
(When Hard Luck Harry turns to look at Bart talking, Sheriff McHendrick takes his gun out of his hand through the window and replaces it with a banana)
(Hard Luck Harry continues along to the opposite side of the door, sneaking all the while)
(Calamity Kate has a torch ready to go to light the jail on fire)
Black Bart:
You ready, Calamity?
Calamity Kate:
You open the oven, and I'll burn their biscuits.
(Bart opens the side door to the jail and Calamity Kate tosses in the torch, which is quickly extinguished by blanket/water)
(Smoke inside the jail)
(Dandy Dan has turned to watch the action, and Deputy Alowyshius and Deputy Cletus sneak around behind the buildings and go into the jail)
Black Bart:
That's take care of those varmits. Keep that door covered, Harry.
(Coughing is heard from in the jail before Deputy Eugene sticks his head out to escape the fire.)
(Hard Luck Harry points the banana at him and Deputy Eugene yells before seeing it's a banana, then he takes a bite of it, smiling at Hard Luck Harry. Bart comes around the corner and sees Deputy Eugene standing there and pulls a gun.)
Black Bart:
Get back in there!
(Deputy Eugene gives a yelp, then ducks back into the jail. Bart stands by the window)
Black Bart:
What are you doin' with a banana, Hard Luck? Where's your gun?
Hard Luck Harry:
Dangit if I know, Bart. This is a strange town.
(Sheriff McHendrick's hand emerges from the smoke filled window to pull Bart's gun out of his hand and replace it with a banana. Before the hand retreats fully, though, Bart pulls his other gun and holds it on the Sheriff. The hand replaces the gun in Bart's hand. Bart motions again, and Hard Luck Harry's gun is sent through as well.)
(Bart tosses Hard Luck Harry's gun back to him, and they both step back a bit from the jail)
Black Bart:
Now, all we gotta do is just wait fer 'em to get burnt up.
Sheriff McHendrick:
(Sticking his head out of the window)
Ha! This ain’t hot. Heck, my chili is hotter than this!
[Sound of a bell chiming]
Sheriff McHendrick:
Whoops, pardon me, my soufflé is almost done.
Deputy Eugene:
(Sticking his head out the door)
Don’t worry about it Sheriff, Deputy Alowyshius and Deputy Cletus will save us.
Black Bart:
I don’t think so, Deputy. Dandy Dan’s got em trapped over by that tree yonder.
(Bart jerks his thumb back towards the tree and sees Dandy Dan standing next to him.)
Black Bart:
What in tarnation are you doing here?
Dandy Dan:
Uh, bringing marshmallows?
Black Bart:
You lost ‘em didn’t ya? Goldarnit. Kate, why don’t you get up there on that house and see if you can spot ‘em.
Calamity Kate:
If you think that’ll help.
Deputy Eugene:
(poking his head back out of the door)
In case they didn’t hear me earlier, I said, don’t worry Sheriff, DEPUTY CLETUS AND DEPUTY ALOWYSHIUS WILL SAVE US!
Hard Luck Harry:
(Holding his ear)
Heck, I heard ya.
(Deputy Alowyshius and Deputy Cletus pop out of the saloon with the girls hanging all over them)
Deputy Cletus:
Someone call our names?
(The bandits react in surprise)
Deputy Alowyshius:
Oh yeah, Cletus. We were supposed to be sneaking up on these guys.
(All parties pull guns on one another, creating a standoff)
Black Bart:
Well, it looks like we got ourselves a Mexican standoff here.
Sheriff McHendrick:
(Poking his head and gun out the window)
Nope, ‘cause it looks like we got ya outnumbered 4 guns to 3.
(Bart pulls his second gun and points it at the Sheriff McHendrick)
Sheriff McHendrick:
All right, now it’s a Mexican standoff.
Calamity Kate:
(from the homesteader’s roof)
Don’t worry Bart, we got 5 guns now.
Ethel:
(Shoving Henry out the door to their house)
Henry, there are bandits all over this place. Now you get out there and defend our home!
Henry:
(pointing his gun around)
Heck, I used to know how to use one of these.
Ethel:
Over there!
Henry:
Huh?
(Henry tries to aim at an outlaw, but gets grabbed by Ethel who causes his shot to go awry)
1 pistol shot from Henry
Ethel:
You missed ‘em, ya durned fool. Now aim straight!
(Ethel swings a skillet the hit Henry on the head, causing his next shot to go awry.)
1 pistol shot from Henry
Henry:
Will you stop that? I’m tryin’ to fight here.
Ethel:
Don’t argue with me, mister!
(Ethel swings a skillet the hit Henry on the head, causing his next shot to go awry.)
1 pistol shot from Henry
Ethel:
You couldn’t his the broad side of a barn. Give me that!
(Ethel reaches for the gun, and she and he get in a tug of war over it. She gets the gun loose and moves in front of Henry, pointing it at the bandits)
Ethel:
Now, this is how it’s done, Henry.
(Ethel fires the gun, which sends her flopping down to the ground, her legs in the air, and the gun pointed up and backwards towards Henry)
1 pistol shot from Ethel
Henry:
So, you’re a regular gunslinger ain’t ya?
Ethel:
Don’t you sass me!
(Ethel fires her gun at Henry who dodges out of the way in time, causing her shot to hit Calamity Kate instead.)
1 pistol shot from Ethel
(Calamity Kate falls backwards to her death)
{Ladder Fall}
Black Bart:
Kate! They killed Calamity Kate!
(Bart takes off running from the porch towards the homesteaders. He rounds them up slowly and starts to move them towards the tree in the middle.)
Hard Luck Harry:
Bart? Hey Dan, where’s Bart goin’?
Dandy Dan:
Danged iff’n I know, but we’re outnumbered again.
(Deputy Alowyshius and Deputy Cletus move back towards the jail and are joined by Sheriff McHendrick and Deputy Eugene and Hard Luck Harry and Dandy Dan move more towards the saloon)
Dandy Dan:
We’ve gotta figure some way outta this Harry.
Hard Luck Harry:
We got nuthin’ to worry about Dan. I’m the fastest gun in the west. I can take these hillbillies.
Deputy Alowyshius:
Oh you think so, do ya? Well, I’m faster’n greased lightnin.
Hard Luck Harry:
Well, I’m faster’n a rattlesnake on a speedin’ horse.
Deputy Alowyshius:
Oh yeah, well I’m faster’n a…
Deputy Eugene:
Black Bart!
[Black Bart Theme Music]
(Deputy Eugene shoots Hard Luck Harry while everyone reacts to the music)
1 pistol shot from Deputy Eugene
Deputy Eugene:
I knew that was gonna come in handy.
Dandy Dan:
I don’t know what you just did, but you ain’t gonna do it to me!
(Dandy Dan moves backward with a panicked look on his face)
Jezebel:
All right, I’ve had about enough of this. C’mere, Dan!
(Jezebel grabs Dandy Dan and pulls him around to face her, then hits him with a right cross)
(Deputy Eugene and Deputy Alowyshius move to the livery to get the drop on Bart)
Dandy Dan:
What the heck?
(Jezebel roughs Dandy Dan up for a few hits, sending him flying back into the wall. He tries to get back up and fight, but the shutter doors get thrown open by Shannon, smashing them into Dandy Dan.)
Shannon:
Whoops! Sorry about that Dan.
(Jezebel punches Dandy Dan again, sending him towards the other saloon girls. He grabs Josephine and holds her in between himself and Jezebel with a gun to her head.)
Dandy Dan:
I ain’t gonna get beat up by no woman, dangit!
Sheriff McHendrick:
Step aside now Jezebel, we’ll take care of this outlaw.
Lilly:
We got it Sheriff, don’t worry.
(Lilly does her best sexy strut and gives Dandy Dan a stroke under the chin.)
Lilly:
Hey there, Dandy Dan.
(Dandy Dan’s jaw drops as does his gun, and he just stands there dumbfounded.)
(Josephine stomps on his foot an turns to deliver a kick to the groin)
Jezebel:
I’ll take care of this weasel.
(Jezebel pulls a derringer from her cleavage and shoots Dandy Dan.)
pistol shot from Jezebel
Dandy Dan:
(clutching his belly)
Now… home come I never… saw that in there before…
Belle:
Well if you’d ever take more than 30 seconds, maybe you’d have time to look around more.
(Dandy Dan drops dead)
Jezebel:
You definitely weren’t no dandy in bed, Dan.
Sheriff McHendrick:
That was some good work, there Deputy Jezebel.
(The Sheriff McHendrick places Jezebel’s cowboy hat on her head)
Belle:
You mean you were a deputy all this time?
Josephine:
Honey, if you’re ever looking for a new career, you’re a natural.
Jezebel:
Thanks, but I don’t like lyin’ around on the job.
Lilly:
Girl, you give a whole new meaning to the words "under cover"
Sheriff McHendrick:
Ya’ll girls better get back inside, there’s still one more of them outlaws around here, ole’ Bart himself.
Black Bart:
Yer derned tootin’ there one more out here… and he’s got hostages!
(Black Bart fires off a shot towards the saloon girls, sending them scattering, while hiding behind the homesteaders)
1 pistol shot from Bart
Sheriff McHendrick:
Tarnation, Deputy. We ain’t gonna get him with those homesteaders blockin him.
Ethel:
(To Henry)
This is all your fault, you know?
Henry:
Shhh!
Jezebel:
Don’t you worry Sheriff, I’m a crack shot.
(Jezebel fires a shot towards Bart, but ends up hitting Henry instead)
1 pistol shot from Jezebel
(Henry drops to the ground and Ethel drops to check on him)
Ethel:
Henry!
Jezebel:
Oh crap! Who can aim with these lil’ guns anyway?!?
Sheriff McHendrick:
Well, you might have been a little off, but Bart don’t have no hostages no more. (To Deputy Eugene and Deputy Alowyshius) Eugene! Alowyshius! Get a gun on this bandito.
Deputy Eugene:
We got him, Sheriff.
Sheriff McHendrick:
You might as well give up now, Bart. Your gangs all rounded up and we got you outnumbered 5 to 1.
Black Bart:
Ha! That might be true Sheriff, iff’n my gang was all rounded up, but they ain’t. Ya’ll forgot about my safecracker. Nitro!
(Bart heads for the back of the jail as Nitro comes busting out from behind the right side of the livery with sticks of dynamite in his hand and hurls one towards the left side of the building, causing an explosion)
(Smoke/Sonic shot on left of Livery)
(He hurls the second in front of Deputy Alowyshius, and the explosion send him flying backwards into the livery.)
(Smoke/Sonic shot on center of Livery)
{Jerk Line}
(Nitro throws his third at Deputy Eugene, who catches it, juggles it for a moment, then drops it as he falls. The explosion sends him flying into the air)
(Smoke/Sonic shot on right of Livery)
{Trampoline Bounce}
(Sheriff McHendrick comes down towards Nitro, pointing a gun at him.)
(Oregon Enormous Prospector comes charging out of the livery, his bottle in his hand)
Oregon Enormous Prospector:
What in tarnation is going on around here? Cain’t a man get any sleep in this…
(Oregon Enormous Prospector sees Sheriff McHendrick pointing a gun at him and raises his hands over his head)
Sheriff McHendrick:
C’mon now, Nitro. You’d best just give up.
Nitro:
Give up? Give up! We’re gonna blow up!
(Nitro hefts a stick of dynamite as if to throw it and Sheriff McHendrick fires a shot, knocking it out of Nitro’s hand into Oregon Enormous Prospector’s hand, who extinguishes the fuse in his bottle.)
1 pistol shot from Sheriff McHendrick
Deputy Cletus:
How’d you shoot that out of his hand without it blowing up, Sheriff.
Sheriff McHendrick:
Oh, that’s easy, I was shootin’ blanks.
(Sheriff McHendrick and Deputy Cletus do a slow take towards the crowd.)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Now you go and check on them homesteaders and I’ll get Nitro here. (to Oregon Enormous Prospector) You can go on back in yer hole, there Oregon, there’s nothin to see here.
Oregon Enormous Prospector:
All right, but I’m taking the little guy back with me.
(Oregon Enormous Prospector goes over and gets Deputy Eugene and picks him up and carries him behind the livery)
Deputy Eugene:
Wait, Sheriff help!
Nitro:
I was framed, see? No way you’ll pin it on me.
Sheriff McHendrick:
Pin what on you?
Nitro:
Whatever it is you’re arresting me for.
(Sheriff McHendrick lead Nitro back up towards the jail)
Deputy Cletus:
Is he all right, ma’am.
Henry:
Yup, I’m all right, she just nicked me.
Ethel:
(lifting up Henry’s head in her lap)
Oh Henry! I’m so glad you’re all right. I’m never gonna let ya get hurt again.
(Ethel stands up fast to confront Deputy Cletus and Henry’s head drops hard to the ground)
Ethel:
Now, Deputy. What are you gonna do about that evil Black Bart?
[Black Bart Theme Music]
Black Bart:
(Emerging from on top of the roof)
Someone playin’ my music?
Sheriff McHendrick:
Cletus, get up there and get him from behind.
(Deputy Cletus takes off around the back of the jail to climb up the ladder behind Bart)
Ethel:
(to Bart)
You’re a bad, bad man, Mr. Bart.
Black Bart:
I can’t help it, ma’am. I’m wearing all black after all.
(Jezebel pulls the gun from Hard Luck Harry’s body and move out beside the Sheriff)
Jezebel:
Let’s just kill him, Sheriff.
(Jezebel and Sheriff McHendrick fire off a couple of shots towards Bart, who calmly checks his nails and straightens his hat)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Dangit! We can’t kill him with a bullet.
Jezebel:
What else are we gonna do? Throw stuff at him?
Sheriff McHendrick:
Now that’s not a bad idea.
(Sheriff McHendrick grabs a stick of dynamite from Nitro and lights it)
(Black Bart fires off shots to the homesteaders and the saloon girls, sending them all scattering back and forth across the yard)
3 pistol shots from Bart
Deputy Cletus:
Don’t worry Sheriff, I got him dead in my sights up here.
Black Bart:
Go ahead, law dog. Take your best shot.
Sheriff McHendrick:
This outta take care of you, Bart!
Deputy Cletus:
Wait! No!
(Sheriff McHendrick hurls a stick of dynamite onto the roof near Bart.)
(Deputy Cletus takes the rope near him and slides off the roof away from the dynamite, smashing into the tree at the end)
{Slide Line}
(The dynamite explodes behind Bart, sending him falling to his death)
(Smoke/Sonic shot on top of Jail)
{20’ High Fall}
Sheriff McHendrick:
All in a day’s work.
Josephine:
You did it! You killed Black Bart!
(The saloon girls all rush towards Sheriff McHendrick)
Sheriff McHendrick:
No ladies, I know I’m a hero, but…
(The girls rush past him and end up surrounding Deputy Cletus)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Well, if that don’t beat all. Well, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose… and sometimes you get FIRED for getting too uppity for yer britches!
Deputy Cletus:
(disengaging himself from the women)
Sorry Sheriff, it won’t happen again.
Sheriff McHendrick:
We’d like to thank you all for comin’ ta see the Bandit Attack Stunt Show. Please give a nice round of applause to our hard workin’ cast and crew for putting on the show. If you enjoyed the show, please give a little donation in the hat of your choice to help us straight shooting guns. We hope you all enjoy the rest of your day here at Wild Western Days.
[End]