1998 Dragon Attack Stunt Show - Hawkwood Fantasy Faire
Written by Craig Lutke and David Ruffin
©1998 Ibidis Mortem Productions





(While stage is being set for stunts/pyro, etc... All actors other than the Locken Key standing on the wall, the Master of Arms, and Lord Plushing are offstage, roaming among the forest paths nearby the stage.

MAX:

Collin! Signal forth the call to arms!

(Enter Trumpeteer from stage right, signaling the call to arms.)

MAX:

Now, Locken Key, our illustrious Gatekeeper, would you sound the signal for battle!

GATEKEEPER:

It'll be my pleasure.

(An explosion sounds from behind stage.)

(Concussion Bomb)

MAX:

Dragon! The dragon's attacking! Dragon! (Wash, rinse, repeat if necessary)

(The call is raised throughout the forest and the various crowd control people run forth towards the stage, repeating the cry.)

CROWD CONTROL PEOPLE:

Dragon! Dragon!

(The crowd control people take their places arrayed in front of the stage, turned slightly towards the three townsfolk on-stage.)

(Plushing and Max are laughing on-stage at the panicked look on the fighters' faces, but are surprised by Nob's appearance out of the well.)

(Following on the heels of the crowd control people are Zippo, Lord Marion & Renet coming onto stage from Down Center.)

ZIPPO:

What's all this noise about a dragon?

LORD MARION:

Aye. There's been no sign of a dragon for years around here. (Aside) Except for earlier today.

PLUSHING:

Well Zippo, you see...

(Plushing is interrupted by Gareth and Piskey Whiskey's appearance coming on-stage from Down Right. section K)

(Nob climbs tree to stand beside the Gatekeeper. Sections C/D)

GARETH:

Yes, Plushing. Tell us all what this "dragon" nonsense is all about.

PLUSHING:

Good Day, Gareth. On time as usual, I see. Well, I will explain, given half a chance to... but first we must deal with ceremony. Trumpet boy?

(Trumpet fanfare)

PLUSHING:

Lords and La...

(Trumpet fanfare resumed)

PLUSHING:

Lords and La....

(Trumpet fanfare resumed. Plushing signals for Lord Marion to move over behind the Trumpeteer.)

PLUSHING:

Lords and...

(Looks at Lord Marion)

(Trumpet fanfare attempt to begin, but it is halted abruptly by Lord Marion, who punches Collin in the belly. Collin shuffles away sulkily.)

(While Plushing speaks, Snaarf enters from opening in the wall in section G.)

PLUSHING:

Ladies, Human and Fey, Elven and Animalities, welcome to this grand and glorious debate held here at the old gate. A historic location indeed, as it is the site of the defeat of the evil dragon Yohko many years ago. I do apologize for the "dragon" cries, but I could think of no better way to draw attention to this all-important event. Now, our two candidates for the position of Lord Mayor of Hawkwood are ___________________ representing our human inhabitants and _____________________ carrying the torch for our non-human inhabitants. Now our first...

 

SNAARF:

Hold it Hold it. Stop. Cease. Put a pomegranate in it.

PLUSHING:

Who are you?

SNAARF:

I am Snaarf a servant of the Great and Mighty Dragon Yohko!

ALL:

Yohko?!...Oh,no!

SNAARF:

Yes, and her great smokiness has sent me to point out a tiny error in this election plan of yours.

PLUSHING:

And what would that be?

SNAARF:

You have failed to allow her to put forth a candidate for Lord Mayor.

PLUSHING:

But... that's absurd!

SNAARF:

We are citizens of the Greater Hawkwood Metropolitan Community, but we were never invited to participate in these elections.

PLUSHING:

You're not citizens. You live in a cave down by the creek. At best you're cheap cave trash.

SNAARF:

Nonetheless, we demand representation in these elections.

ZIPPO:

(Shoving Plushing aside and confronting Snaarf.)

Out o' me way, Plushing. I've heard enough of this babble. It's time to take out the trash. Now hear this scale-boy, there'll be no Yohkels runnin’ for Mayor of Hawkwood.

GARETH:

Now see here, ya poor excuse for a matchstick. It's my land, and I'll say who can be candidate and who can't, and I say Yohko's pet can run. As long as he pays the filing fee. Besides, it’s been years since Yohko was seen near here. What are the odds she'll ever come back?

LORD MARION:

Listen Lord Gareth, Just because you own the land around here doesn't mean you run everything!

GARETH:

Piskey Whiskey? Take care of Lord Marion for me, would you?

(Piskey Whiskey shoves Lord Marion back to section G. Renet moves to stand in front of Gareth in section I)

RENET:

Why don't you just butt out of this for once in your life?

MAX:

It doesn't matter, I'm the Master of Arms around here and I agree with Zippo. This little guy is not running for Mayor.

(Max reaches down and slings Snaarf over his shoulder intent on taking him out the back gate in section G.)

(A three stooges type of fight ensues between the Gareth, Piskey Whiskey, Renet and Marion, and Nob and the Gatekeeper on top of the wall.)

(Snaarf makes it difficult for Max to get him out the door as he yells back about how unfair the whole thing is.)

SNARRF:

(Being shoved backstage)

Now you've done it! I’m gonna tell Yohko about this. You're all gonna get it big time!

(Max returns from back stage.)

MAX:

Well, that takes care of that.

(Max moves in and grabs the ears of Marion and Renet, pulling them from the confrontation. Gareth reaches out and grabs Piskey Whiskey by the collar, while Piskey Whiskey rages.)

(Nob finally manages to shove the Gatekeeper off the wall (section D) onto the wagon {Box Fall}. All parties come to a stop to peer towards the wagon.)

GATEKEEPER:

(Sticking his hand up from the wagon and waving.)

I'm all right! I'm all right!

PLUSHING:

(Releasing the Fighters and addressing Max.)

Well, now you've done it!

MAX:

Done what?

PLUSHING:

You've angered the minions of Yohko. Soon we'll have every Yohkell in the forest here. They're vermin. They're slime. They're degenerate, bottom-dwelling lowlife.

ZIPPO:

Yohko's minions are lawyers?

GARETH:

Lawyers?!? Run for your lives!

(Defenders scatter about the stage)

PLUSHING:

No, no. They're the red-collared, lizard people of the creek.

GARETH:

Even worse! Red Neck Lizards! What are we gonna do?

ZIPPO:

Stockpile pork rinds and moon pies?

MAX:

No, you fools! We must prepare defenses.

ZIPPO:

De fences are pretty good. I tried to get over one to go to the privies, but it was too high. I...

MAX:

No, not the fences, defenses!

ZIPPO:

I'm confused.

PLUSHING:

I see no problem with that.

(A battle cry is heard from behind the crowd as Heave flies in from Down Center. {Zip Line}

The townspeople react by drawing their weapons preparing for attack. Heave lands in section A/B and then unhooks himself he then turns and gives his best fierce fighting stance.)

HEAVE:

I'm here to join the battle! Have at you, you smelly Hawkwoodians!

GARETH:

What battle, gargoyle? There's no battle going on here.

HEAVE:

(Looking chagrined.)

Oh. Then never mind. Just pretend I'm not here.

(Heave takes up a position on the wall, crouched like a stone gargoyle.)

PISKEY WHISKEY:

Well, it looks like we've got a bit of wall decoration now.

PLUSHING:

Yes, it looks like we're going for a kind of dark ages, medieval, gothic look.

(Backstage a loud rhythmic booming occurs: the footsteps of the dragon. The trees begin shaking and Snaarf's voice is heard from backstage.)

SNARRF:

I toooold you soooooo!

(The townsfolk begin running around in panic.)

(Max and Gareth both are barking orders at the men, each one countermanding the other. Gareth stands in section G, his back turned to the gate. Max stands in section K, facing inward. Zippo and Plushing stand in sections K/F watching the back gate.)

(Lord Marion scrambles up the ladder in section A and runs across the platform to finish in section C.)

(Renet runs around and finishes in position by the main gate in section A.)

(Locken Key runs around following the two sets of orders until he finishes in section G.)

(Piskey Whiskey runs around eventually finishing behind the well in section F.)

 

ZIPPO:

Yeah! Let her come, I'm not worried. Here, leezard, leezard.

(A wall of fire erupts from behind section B (2 Eight Ball Counts) and the dragon, Yohko, rises from behind the wall and settles into place above section B. Her wings spread and she swivels her head, looking around the area.)

(The townsfolk stop running around and stare at the dragon.)

 

ZIPPO:

I'm going to need a bigger box.

GARETH:

(Unaware of the dragon)

What’re alla ye lookin' at? We've got defenses to prepare.

(All cast members in front of Gareth point up behind him. Gareth turns and looks up, but cannot see the dragon because of the platform.)

GARETH:

All right, I'll have a look, but I know perfectly well there's not a dragon up her... (Staring into the dragon's face.) Uh, Hawkwood, we may have a problem.

(The dragon sneezes on Gareth, firing smoke off and blowing his hat off.)

(Gareth coughs hard and blinks his eyes, then looks at Yohko, drawing his sword.)

GARETH:

God Bless youuuuuuu!

(The dragon reaches out and pushes the ladder over with her claw, sending Gareth to the ground below in Section G.)

(Yohko then raises her head and lets loose a mighty roar. At this signal, the dragon warriors arrive onto the stage.)

(Snaarf appears out of the well in Section F, snatches Piskey Whiskey and disappears again into the well. When Snaarf reappears, he is immediately attacked by Max.)

(Gnaarl appears from behind the wall in section G and attacks the Gatekeeper, driving him backwards up the stairs in section I.)

(The Gargoyle comes to life in section A and attacks Renet positioned there.)

(Retch climbs over the wall in section C and chases Nob down the tree to section H where he is jumped on by Nob and the two spin around section H near the fallen Gareth.)

(Lord Marion' charges the dragon only to be hit with a backhand swipe of claw or head, sending him into the tree in Section C and he collapses to the platform.)

(Gnaarl has driven Locken up the steps into the tower, Section E. They clash steel on the tower.)

 

PLUSHING:

Zippo, why aren’t you doing anything?

ZIPPO:

What do you want me to do?

PLUSHING:

(pointing towards the tower)

Blow that one up on the tower!

(Gnaarl takes a wild swing towards Locken, driving him backwards into section D. Gnaarl gets his axe stuck in the wood pile and he pulls at it, his hands slipping off, and tumbles onto the platform above section J.)

ZIPPO:

Igonnas Blowemupus

(Zippo aims his staff towards the tower and fires off a shot (staff pyro).)

 

(The tower tops erupts in a big explosion (Flash pot and one 8 ball count), causing Locken to fall into the wagon in section H again {Box Fall} and Gnaarl to fall to the ground in section J {15’ High Fall}. A sign, Wile E. Coyote-style appears from the crashed wagon saying "Help!" or "Ouch!" or something of the sort.)

 

(The dragon rears up and moves back a bit from the wall, roaring.)

PLUSHING:

Now you’ve got to do something about that dragon!

ZIPPO:

Like what?

PLUSHING:

I don’t know. Get rid of her!

ZIPPO:

I’ll try, but it won’t be easy.

(Flips through spell book pages)

Transformicus inna babeus.

 

(Zippo again aims his staff towards section B. (Staff Pyro)

(Another wall of fire erupts from the wall in section B (2 eight ball counts) and the dragon descends behind it, uttering a roar that changes to a female scream)

(Crowd Control people near section J pull the body of Gnaarl off the stage to behind the tower.)

(Heave defeats Renet and moves across the stage to section C.)

(Locken rises from the wagon and is again ascending the staircase t section E.)

(Locken and Heave engage in section D.)

(Max has defeated Snaarf and moves to assist Gareth and Nob with Retch in section H.)

(Piskey Whiskey emerges from the well, looking a bit worse for wear.)

(Gnaarl reappears from behind the wall in section F and stalks Plushing and Zippo.)

(Piskey Whiskey retrieves Snaarf’s weapon and attempts to hold Gnaarl at bay while Zippo tries to remember the spell he wants to cast.)

(Nob accidentally kicks Gareth’s sword from his hands and Gareth moves to retrieve it from section F. He then notices that Piskey Whiskey is in danger and moves to block a killing stroke.)

(Yohko walks in through the open gate in section G and watches the goings on for a moment.)

(All swordplay slowly comes to a halt as the combatants become aware of the sexily dressed sorceress, Yohko, and stare at her.)

 

PLUSHING:

(To Zippo)

What have you done?!? I told you to get rid of her, not transform her. Though I can’t fault you for your choice of shapes.

ZIPPO:

(Flipping through pages of his spell book.)

I don’t know what happened. I must have been on the wrong page!

YOHKO:

Don't stop on my account, boys. Kill! Ha ha ha!

(The fights resume in all three locations. Yohko moves to stand in section 1 and watches.)

(Gareth and Piskey Whiskey dispatch Gnaarl.)

(Nob and Max dispatch Retch.)

(They all turn towards the last combatants, the Gargoyle and the Gatekeeper. The Gatekeeper lays out the

Gargoyle and then turns to the grounds smiling and making gestures at Yohko.)

(Yohko casts a spell (Handflash) and an explosion from behind the Gatekeeper (flash pot and report)

sends him hack into the wagon. {Box Fall}This time a little white flag emerges from the wreckage and waves back and

forth.)

ALL REMAINING TOWNSFOLK:

Uh-oh.

GARETH:

She's just one woman, what can she do? Let's just charge her and get it over with.

(All remaining warriors except Zippo charge Yohko with weapons drawn.)

YOHKO:

(Stepping forward)

Four against one isn't very fair! Dance!

(Casts a spell at the warriors. (Glitter))

(The spell hits the charging townsfolk and they all drop their weapons, link arms, and begin to tap dance, Riverdance-style, facing the crowd and hamming it up. Zippo is the only one unaffected by this.)

ZIPPO:

(Addressing the audience.)

Is anyone else as frightened by this as I am?

YOHKO:

That's right, you has-been! It’s dance fever around here!

(The dancers break into bad disco moves.)

ZIPPO:

There's no way I can deal with that! Nomas Boogieus.

(Casts a spell that counteracts the dance spell. (Hand Flash))

(The townsfolk stop dancing and begin to argue with each other as to who was out of step.)

YOHKO:

You ruined my dance troop, you flaming wizard! No one does that to me and lives. Die.

(Yohko casts a spell (Hand Flash) that strikes Zippo in the chest. (Impact Squib).)

(Zippo stumbles backwards and falls into the well. {Well Fall})

(The well erupts with steam (Steam Burst) and Zippo's hand emerges momentarily.)

MAX:

Oh my God! She extinguished Zippo! How are we going to stop her now?

GARETH:

(To Nob.)

Go and get help, you know who I mean.

(Nob exits to stage Left in a sprint)

MAX:

Gareth? Sending Nob for help won't do any good. Yohko's going to kill us all before help arrives.

YOHKO:

You've got that right, human.

GARETH:

(Swaggeringly)

Don't worry. I've got a plan.

REMAINING TOWNSFOLK:

Oh no.

GARETH:

Since we can't seem to stop her with might or magic, there’s always the sure-fire way for me to take care of a female.

MAX:

You don't mean....?

GARETH:

You guessed it. No woman, dragon or no, can resist my charms.

(Gareth walks towards Yohko and gives her his best come hither stare.)

(He swaggers up beside her and grabs her, dipping her backwards and kissing her.)

(When they rise again, she just looks at him for a moment her hand resting on the side of his face.)

 

GARETH:

(To the audience)

Oooh. Forked tongue.

(To Yohko)

So, am I your dragon tamer, my Lady?

YOHKO:

(Shoving Gareth away with her hand, sending him sprawling across the stage.)

Nope! Ha ha ha!

PISKEY WHISKEY:

(Finding Gareth's lost hat.)

Plushing, look! I've got an idea.

(Piskey Whiskey removes a feather from Gareth's hat, and sneaks up behind the oblivious Yohko.) (Yohko turns and sees Piskey Whiskey with the feather.)

YOHKO:

(Backing away slowly a frightened look on her face)

Whoa. Hold on. Can't we talk about this?

 

PISKEY WHISKEY:

Never!

(Piskey Whiskey then tickles Yohko with the feather, forcing her into a ball on the ground with fits of laughter.)

MAX:

(Waking up behind Piskey.)

Well, Piskey. I do believe that has done it!

(Max slaps Piskey on the shoulder, causing her to lose the feather from her hands and freeing Yohko, who rises menacingly)

ALL REMAINING TOWNSFOLK:

Uh-oh.

PISKEY:

(Grabbing Max by the collar)

My God Man! Do you realize what you've done? That was our last chance! Now what are we going to do?!?

YOHKO:

(Standing up and casually dusting herself off.)

You bumbling fools have wasted your last chance. I am going to beat you, burn you, maim you, maul you, and then subject you to all sorts of general unpleasantness.

(Yohko raises her arms and prepares to cast a spell.)

GARETH:

Wait Yohko! We people of Hawkwood still have something that can defeat anyone, even a dragon!

YOHKO:

(Forestalling her spell.)

Well, if it isn't the Scottish Don Juan. Tell me, what can a man who wears a tablecloth have to defeat me?

GARETH:

All right, since you asked, but I REALLY didn't want to do this.

(Gives signal to Nob, standing stage Left in Section J.)

Nob, bring in our secret weapon!

(Nob brings the cart on-stage which holds the Taxman, Hobarth. The cart has a cage attached to it that

Hobarth continually rattles as if he were a snarling beast. The occasional bone gets thrown out of the top of the cage and lands on the stage.)

(The townsfolk recoil in terror from the cage. Yohko stands, waiting and unaffected.)

(Hobarth bursts free from the cage and begins growling, Tasmanian Devil-style and dashing all over stage.)

 

MAX:

My God! He's loose. Run for cover!

(The townsfolk duck for cover as Hobarth rants until reaching the front, next to Yohko.)

(Yohko recoils a bit and shows a defensive stance, claws bared.)

(Hobarth takes out a briefcase and calmly pulls forth a parchment, unrolling it in preparation of reading it.)

 

HOBARTH:

According to our records, you, Yohko, owe 15,000 palindromes in back taxes for the loan you took out to lease your double-wide cave.

YOHKO:

It's the Taxman! Aaaah!

(Yohko sprints towards the back wall fleeing blindly. She smashes into the wall and falls backwards, being caught by Gareth.)

GARETH:

(Addressing the crowd.)

I think I'll take care of this for ya.

(Gareth exists through section G, carrying Yohko.)

PLUSHING:

Well, that’s that. It appears we're safe after all.

MAX:

Well, I wouldn't say that.

PLUSHING:

Why not?

(Max gestures towards Hobarth, who stares at them hungrily.)

PLUSHING:

Uh~oh! Quick, take this!

(Plushing tosses Piskey Whiskey a purse full of clinking coins.)

(Hobarth snaps his attention to Piskey Whiskey, who holds the purse with a fearful expression.)

PISKEY WHISKEY:

I don't want it!

(Piskey tosses the purse to Max.)

MAX:

I don't want it!

(Max tosses the purse to Nob, who stands there with a puzzled look on her face.)

(Hobarth starts to snarl and hop around, moving towards Nob. Nob gives a squeak and runs towards the cage wagon.)

(As she gets there, she tosses the purse into the cage. Hobarth follows the purse and Nob slams the door behind him.)

MAX:

Lord, that was close!

GARETH:

(Peeking his head out from behind the wall.)

Did I miss something?

MAX:

No.

PLUSHING:

Nothing.

PISKEY WHISKEY:

Nope.

NOB:

Nuh-uh.

(Yohko re-emerges from behind the wall and grabs Gareth, pulling him back behind the wall)

GARETH:

Oh, all right then.

(Goes back behind wall.)

(Crowd control people begin to drag the bodies of the dead still on-stage towards the apron. In each body's outstretched hand, a hat is placed for tip collecting.)

 

MAX:

Well, yet another disaster has been averted during an election campaign. I certainly hope that everyone here has enjoyed our trials and tribulations in defending you all from the vicious dragon, Yohko. If you have enjoyed the show, please feel free to give a generous donation to the Hawkwood defense budget, so that we can get bigger swords. Farewell, and enjoy the rest of the faire day in safety here at Hawkwood.

 

(All non-dead actors emerge to collect tips from the crowd.)



THE END