(Enter Sheriff McHendrick & Deputy Eugene from the jailhouse, walking up and down amongst the crowd.)
Sheriff McHendrick:
(To the audience)
Howdy! I’d like to welcome y’all to ta Old Fort Dallas. I see you’ve all come for the hangin’. Well, my name’s Tyrell McHendrick and I’m the Sheriff around these here parts, and this here’s Deputy Eugene. Say howdy, Eugene.
Deputy Eugene:
(Stepping up to shake the hand of a nearby man/boy)
Howdy, Eugene. Dangin’ tarnation iff’n that ain’t my name, too. Yer a lucky feller to have such a...
(Sheriff McHendrick hits Deputy Eugene on the head with his hat)
Sheriff McHendrick:
His name ain’t Eugene, ya idjit. Yers is. (to audience) Anyways, as I was sayin’, we’re the law around here so I want y’all to keep civil ‘cause I don’t want no riot going on around here when Dandy Dan swings from the gallows.
Hmm. From the looks on your faces, you didn’t actually come to see the hangin’, so you must not know the story of Dandy Dan. Well, let me be the first to tell you, he’s the worst kind of shyster. He’s a card-cheat, a liar, a horse thief, and a slick talking no account hoodlum. Worse than that, though, he didn’t pay his bill as Madame Josephine’s brothel, and there’s ain’t hardly an offense worse in these here parts. (To Madame Josephine) Ain’t that right Josephine?
Madame Josephine:
That’s right, sheriff!
Sheriff McHendrick:
(To the audience)
To make matters worse, Dandy Dan also was part of the gang of the notorious Black Bart.
[Black Bart Theme Music]
Deputy Eugene:
(drawing his gun and looking around scared)
What in the pee-didly dog water was that, Sheriff?
Sheriff McHendrick:
Who is one of the most dangerous desperados to ever to crawl out from under the Pecos. Me and my deputies are gonna be on the lookout f’r Black Bart
[Black Bart Theme Music]
Deputy Eugene:
There is goes agin, Sheriff. (to the audience) Am I th’ only one hearin’ that?
Sheriff McHendrick:
And his gang out bandits whilst we all enjoy the nice hanging we’re a gonna have. Y’all just sit back and enjoy the show, y’hear?
(Sheriff McHendrick goes back to sit down at the front of the jail next to Deputy Eugene)
Belle:
Oh, Dan. How could you do this to me?
Dandy Dan:
To you!?! In case you hadn’t noticed, Belle, I’m the one who’s about to swing here.
Belle:
I was all prepared to go to San Francisco with you to start a new life, and here you are about to leave me with neither house nor a new life.
Shannon:
It’s all for the better, Belle. This good f’r nuthin’ cheat weren’t gonna take you nowhere anyhow.
Lilly:
That’s right, he ain’t nuthin’ but a big fat, fore-flushin liar!
Dandy Dan:
Now, if that ain’t the worst way to talk about someone who’s about to meet his maker.
Josephine:
You deserve worse than that for getting this nice girl’s hopes all up about a better life.
Belle:
You weren’t lyin’ to me, were ya Dan. Ya meant what you said, right?
Lilly:
‘Course he didn’t mean, it, Belle. He was just sweet-talkin’ ya.
Belle:
That true, Dan?
Dandy Dan:
Well, I had to say somethin’, baby, I didn’t have any money to pay for it anymore.
Josephine:
You hang, em’, Deputy. You let ‘em swing.
Dandy Dan:
Last time that happened, Belle was smoking a cigarette twenty minutes later.
Deputy Hoss:
We plan to hang ‘em, m’am. In about 3 minutes.
Hangman:
(Checking a pocketwatch)
Three minutes, 15 seconds to be exact.
Shannon:
Why you gotta wait three minutes?
Deputy Duke:
‘Cause them’s the rules… and rules is rules.
Lilly:
So, what’re we gonna do in the 3 minutes ‘til you hang ‘em?
Hangman:
I got a speech to read here. Dandy Dan, in 3 minutes 5 seconds, for your crimes agin the government of this fine city, you’ll be hanged from the neck until you’re dead… dead.. d…
(An explosion sounds from the bank, drawing all eyes to the bank doors.)
(Concussion Bomb on top of Bank)
[Explosion Sound F/X from within the bank]
(Smoke inside the bank)
(The bank doors fly open with revealing Black Bart, Calamity Kate, and Hard Luck Harry)
Belle:
It’s Black Bart…
[Black Bart Theme Music]
Belle:
…and his gang.
Hard Luck Harry:
(Hefting a large sack)
Whee doggies, Bart. That wuz a heckuva pile o’ dinero we pulled out o’ that safe.
Deputy Eugene:
DeNiro’s here? I loved the Godfather!
Sheriff McHendrick:
Shut up, you idjit!
Calamity Kate:
Yup, we’re gonna be rollin’ money once we get back to the hideout.
Black Bart:
Don’t get relaxed yet, Kate, we haven’t even made it off the sidewalk yet.
(Sheriff McHendrick and Deputy Eugene appear from the jail onto the street)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Don’t reckon you ever will, either, Black Bart.
[Black Bart Theme Music]
Deputy Eugene:
Dang! There’s that music agin.
Sheriff McHendrick:
Cletus, Hoss, Duke! Get a gun on these outlaws.
(Deputy Cletus appears from on top of the Land & Cattle, and Deputy Hoss and Deputy Duke draw their pistols and fan out in front of the bank.)
Black Bart:
Well, howdy there, Sheriff McHendrick. Fancy meeting you here.
Sheriff McHendrick:
You know, I had a feelin’ you’d be showin up here. I figured you’d be a tryin’ to rescue Dandy Dan over there, though. Not being stupid enough to rob a bank right next to a jailhouse.
Calamity Kate:
See? I told ya we should have went for that bank in Abilene, not…
(Calamity Kate is silenced when Black Bart pulls her hat over her face)
Hard Luck Harry:
Gollee, Bart. He’s right, that is Dandy Dan over there at them gallows.
Black Bart:
Well, Dan. I knew you was a swinger, just didn’t figure you’d be doin’ it from a noose in the middle of my bank robbery.
Dandy Dan:
You get me outta this noose, Bart, and I’ll make it worth your while. I promise.
Lilly:
Don’t you believe him, Mr. Bart, he’s a liar that one is.
(Silence for a couple of seconds)
Black Bart:
Well, what’re we gonna do now, Sheriff.
Hangman:
Time’s up!
Dandy Dan:
Wait! Hold on a sec…
(The Hangman kicks the stool out from under Dandy Dan, sending him stretching to the end of the rope and twitching.)
Hard Luck Harry:
(drawing his pistol with his free hand)
C’mon Bart, let’s shoot our way outta here!
(Hard Luck Harry fires 2 shots towards Deputy Duke and Deputy Hoss. They, along with Sheriff McHendrick and Deputy Eugene all duck for cover.)
(Deputy Hoss ducks for cover by the ladder hay bales, Deputy Duke, Sheriff McHendrick, and Deputy Eugene hide by the jail)
2 pistol shots from Hard Luck Harry
Deputy Eugene:
Gol’dang Sheriff, he’s a shootin’ at us!
1 pistol shot from Hard Luck Harry
Sheriff McHendrick:
Cletus! Kill that varmit, dagnabbit!
1 pistol shot from Hard Luck Harry
Deputy Cletus:
I got him, Sheriff.
(Deputy Cletus takes aim and fires a shot from his gun, knocking Hard Luck Harry backwards through the bank doorway)
1 pistol shot from Deputy Cletus
{Jerk Line}
Calamity Kate:
Harry! Bart, they killed Harry!
(Calamity Kate draws her pistol and exchanges fire with Deputy Cletus on the Livery)
2 pistol shots from Calamity Kate
2 pistol shots from Deputy Cletus
(Black Bart stares through the doorway where Hard Luck Harry disappeared)
Calamity Kate:
Bart? Wake up, dangit! We’re in a gunfight here!
Black Bart:
(looking up from the doorway)
Huh? Oh! Die, you mangy mongrel!
(Black Bart draws his guns and fires a volley of shots towards Deputy Cletus, the last one striking him, sending him plummeting off the building)
4 pistol shots from Black Bart
{12’ High Fall}
Black Bart:
Now… first one of you who wants his nose shot off, just go ahead and show it to me. Otherwise stay where you are.
Calamity Kate:
Bart, we’re gonna need an extra hand to haul all this here gold, y’know.
Black Bart:
Yeah, I guess we’ll have to rescue Dandy Dan after all.
(Black Bart points his guns towards the hangman)
Black Bart:
Hey smiley!
Hangman:
Yes?
(Black Bart fires his gun, killing the hangman.)
1 pistol shot from Black Bart
Black Bart:
Hang on a minute, there Dan.
Calamity Kate:
(snickering)
Hee hee, that’s funny.
Black Bart:
What’s funny?
Calamity Kate:
(gesturing towards Dandy Dan)
Hang on a minute. Hee hee.
Black Bart:
Oh. Heh heh. I guess that is kind of funny, isn’t it?
(Black Bart and Calamity Kate both start laughing for a couple of second until Dandy Dan makes a loud gasping noise)
Black Bart:
(looking up suddenly)
Whoop. Sorry about that, there, Dan.
(Black Bart fires a shot, hitting Dandy Dan’s rope and sending him tumbling to the ground.)
1 pistol shot from Black Bart
Black Bart:
Kate, you’d better get over there and get him untied.
(Calamity Kate begins a slow walk towards Dandy Dan)
Deputy Hoss:
You ain’t gonna get Dandy Dan loose, Calamity Kate. We done took near a week getting’ him caught.
Calamity Kate:
You try and stop me and you’ll get yerself killed by Black Bart
[Black Bart Theme Music]
Deputy Eugene:
Dang, sheriff. There it goes agin.
Sheriff McHendrick:
Pipe down, Eugene. I’m tryin’ ta think here.
Deputy Duke:
What are we gonna do, sheriff? That villain’s a crack-shot and I reckon I’m not gonna die on account of a no-account like Dandy Dan.
Sheriff McHendrick:
Hold on a minute, I’m thinkin’.
Deputy Eugene:
Be careful doin’ that, Sheriff. Remember how you get when we eat Mexican food.
Sheriff McHendrick:
All right, Duke. You sneak up on top o’ the jail there an try and get the drop on ole’ Bart. The rest of us’ll take care of Calamity Kate and Dandy Dan.
(Deputy Duke begins his ascent to the top of the jailhouse porch.)
(Deputy Hoss pokes her head up over the top of the hay bale, trying to sneak a shot off at Black Bart.)
Black Bart:
Get yer head back down there.
(Black Bart fires off a shot at Deputy Hoss, causing her hat to fly off her head via some fishing line she pulls)
1 pistol shot from Black Bart
Sheriff McHendrick:
Ya all right, Hoss?
Deputy Hoss:
He purt’ near parted m’hair, Sheriff.
(Calamity Kate has freed Dandy Dan from his noose and bonds)
Calamity Kate:
Yer lucky Hard Luck Harry got shot, or Bart would’ve left you strung up.
Dandy Dan:
Just gimme a gun, would ya? I’m gonna shoot that hangman.
Calamity Kate:
Why, he’s already dead?
(Dandy Dan takes a gun from Calamity Kate and shoots into the body of the hangman, causing a yelp to come from the hangman’s body)
Belle:
Why, Dan. I can’t believe you’d go back to killin’ agin after you just got hung for it.
Dandy Dan:
Actually, I didn’t kill ‘em, they was already dead.
Shannon:
Well, that’s even worse.
Lilly:
Killin’ a man twice. Beats all I ever saw.
Dandy Dan:
(pointing his gun at the saloon girls)
Y’all better just clam up, now.
Belle:
Is that some kind of fish joke?
(Belle bursts into tears again, falling back into the arms of the saloon girls)
Calamity Kate:
If yer through with these wimmen folk, we can do f’r these law dogs.
Dandy Dan:
You bet yer britches. I been waitin’ f’r this.
(Dandy Dan and Calamity Kate walk into the center of the street, Calamity Kate firing at Deputy Hoss and Dandy Dan firing at Deputy Duke, Deputy Eugene, and Sheriff McHendrick)
2 pistol shots from Calamity Kate
2 pistol shots from Dandy Dan
Deputy Duke:
Sheriff, you want I should shoot back at ‘em.
Sheriff McHendrick:
No, dangit, I want Dandy Dan alive so I can hang ‘em proper.
1 pistol shot from Calamity Kate
Deputy Eugene:
What about that wildcat out there?
Sheriff McHendrick:
You can shoot her.
Deputy Eugene:
(rising up from his hiding place)
Stop or I’ll shoot!
(Calamity Kate, Dandy Dan, and Black Bart all fire a shot towards Deputy Eugene, causing him to yelp and duck back down)
1 pistol shot from Calamity Kate
1 pistol shot from Dandy Dan
1 pistol shot from Black Bart
Deputy Eugene:
Heck, I cain’t shoot ‘em, Sheriff. I don’t got a gun!
Deputy Duke:
(pointing a gun at Black Bart from on the jail)
Hold it right there, Black Bart
[Black Bart Theme Music]
Deputy Duke:
You drop yer guns now villains, or I’ll plug ole Bart here.
Calamity Kate:
Dang! We’d better do as he says, they got Bart dead to rights.
(Calamity Kate tosses her gun to the ground)
Dandy Dan:
Are you kiddin’ me? I’m not droppin’ my gun for that good for nuthing, no account…
(Dandy Dan gets hit on the head from Josephine and Shannon by skillets)
Josephine:
You heard the deputy, drop your gun! Get him, girls.
(Dandy Dan proceeds to fend off the skillet-wielding saloon girls until one lands a good shot, sending him to the ground.)
Belle:
Dan!
(Belle drops to the ground beside Dandy Dan to tend to his wounds)
(Deputy Hoss steps out from her cover and points her gun at Calamity Kate who was making for her pistol)
Deputy Hoss:
Don’t even think about it, Calamity Kate.
Calamity Kate:
(wielding her whip)
Like I need a gun to take care of the likes of you.
(Calamity Kate cracks her whip, causing Deputy Hoss’ gun to go flying behind her)
Sheriff McHendrick:
C’mon Eugene, let’s give Deputy Hoss a hand.
(A 4-way fight ensues between Deputy Eugene, Deputy Hoss, Calamity Kate, and Sheriff McHendrick, with Calamity Kate holding them off with her whip and Deputy Eugene causing more harm than good)
(Eventually, Deputy Hoss disarms Calamity Kate and starts cracking a whip at her, causing hits to Deputy Eugene instead of Calamity Kate. Deputy Eugene takes of hiding behind the cover by the jail.)
(Finally, Sheriff McHendrick catches Calamity Kate’s arms and holds her from behind)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Well, Bart, like’s like your gang’s all rounded up.
Black Bart:
Yup, looks like there ain’t nuthin I can do to get out of this one all right.
(Black Bart takes his gun out quickly and fires a shot towards Deputy Duke, causing him to lose his gun which flies into the hands of Deputy Eugene)
Black Bart:
‘Cept that, of course.
Deputy Eugene:
(Running out to Sheriff McHendrick)
Look sheriff, I finally got a gun!
Sheriff McHendrick:
Well, Bart, we still got ya outnumbered 3 guns to one. (looks at Deputy Eugene), well, all right, 2 guns to one.
Black Bart:
That might be true if all’a my gang really was rounded up, but they ain’t.
Deputy Eugene:
Whatd’ya mean?
Black Bart:
Ya’ll forgot about my safecracker. (Looks back into the bank) Nitro!
(Black Bart takes off down the sidewalk, making room for Nitro by the bank, he heads for the saloon girls and grabs Lilly, who is standing off to the side. The two of them disappear back into the bank, heading to the roof)
(Nitro’s maniacal laughter echoes from inside the bank as he comes scooting outside the doors, wielding a lit stick of dynamite)
Deputy Duke:
Look out, sheriff, he’s got dynamite!
(Calamity Kate stomps on Sheriff McHendrick’s foot, then punches him in the nose, sending him falling backwards. She runs for the ladder in front of the Chinese laundry)
Nitro:
Fire in the hole, ya varmits!
(Nitro throws a stick of dynamite towards the jailhouse, causing an explosion on its porch)
(Deputy Hoss runs for cover behind the Land & Cattle)
(Deputy Eugene grabs a skillet from Shannon and runs to hide by the jail)
(Sonic/Flash on jail porch)
Nitro:
Yee-ha!
(Nitro throws another stick of dynamite towards the bank, causing an explosion behind the hay bales)
(Sonic/Flash on sidewalk)
Deputy Duke:
What do I do, Sheriff?
(Nitro turns and tosses a stick of dynamite towards Deputy Duke, who catches it and jumps off the porch roof, landing on the trampoline and getting blown towards the hay bales)
(Sonic/Flash by hay bales)
{Trampoline Bounce}
(Calamity Kate reaches the proper rung on the ladder)
Calamity Kate:
Way to go, Nitro!
(Nitro turns and throws a stick of dynamite towards Calamity Kate without seeing who it was who talked. The dynamite goes off, causing Calamity Kate to fall backwards on the ladder into the hay bales.)
(Sonic/Flash by Chinese laundry)
{Ladder Fall}
Nitro:
Whu-oh.
(Deputy Hoss steps out from her hiding place by the Land & Cattle and pulls her gun on Nitro)
Deputy Hoss:
You better not twitch a little muscle, or I’ll dern sure shoot ya.
Nitro:
You do, and you’ll shoot this dynamite and blow us all sky high.
(Nitro slowly backs up towards the jail)
Sheriff McHendrick:
(drawing his gun)
There ain’t no getting’ outta here, outlaw. Best just give up now.
Nitro:
Give up? Give Up?!? Try blow up!
(Nitro raises his hand to throw another stick of dynamite, when Deputy Hoss shoots it out of his hand.)
1 pistol shot from Deputy Hoss
(As soon as the dynamite hits the ground, Deputy Eugene hits Nitro on the head with the skillet he got from Shannon. Nitro falls to the ground.)
Sheriff McHendrick:
How’d you shoot that outta his hand without blowing up that dynamite?
Deputy Hoss:
I was shootin’ blanks.
(Everyone stops for a double take towards Deputy Hoss)
Deputy Eugene:
What about me, Sheriff?
Sheriff McHendrick:
(absent-mindedly)
Oh, you did good, too, Eugene.
(Deputy Eugene pouts and starts moping towards the saloon girls)
Saloon girls:
Awwww.
(The saloon girls surround Deputy Eugene, holding him close and stroking his head. Deputy Eugene makes and big smile and a thumbs up to the crowd.)
Deputy Hoss:
Where’s that darned Black Bart?
[Black Bart Theme Music]
Sheriff McHendrick:
I don’t know. We’d better go find him.
Dandy Dan:
(standing up with his hand over his holstered gun, ready to draw)
You’d better be worryin’ about me, law dogs.
(Dandy Dan and Deputy Hoss square off in the middle of the street)
Deputy Hoss:
You know you ain’t a fast draw, Dandy Dan. You’ll never draw faster’n me. Why I’m faster’n a rattlesnake on a speedin horse. I’m faster’n a…
Dandy Dan:
Black Bart!
[Black Bart Theme Music]
(When the cast reacts to the theme music, Dandy Dan fires his gun, shooting Deputy Hoss)
1 pistol shot from Dandy Dan
Dandy Dan:
(Spinning his pistol and holstering it)
No need to be fast when you cheat.
Belle:
Why Dandy Dan, I thought there might be a chance for you, but you’re just evil, ain’t ya?
Dandy Dan:
You shut up and get back to yer brothel, will ya?
Belle:
You black-hearted snake!
(Belle pulls her derringer from her cleavage and shoots Dandy Dan)
1 derringer shot from Belle
Dandy Dan:
(slowly dying)
How come I never noticed that there before?
Belle:
‘Cause you ain’t no dandy in bed, Dan.
(Dandy Dan drops dead and Belle puts the derringer back into her cleavage)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Well, I guess that only leaves Black Bart.
[Black Bart Theme Music]
(Black Bart appears on the bank roof with Lilly in tow)
Black Bart:
Someone playing my song?
Sheriff McHendrick:
Deputy Eugene and me got 2 guns on ya Bart, and you ain’t fast enough to get us both. Yer time’s up.
Black Bart:
You ain’t gonna shoot me, Sheriff. I got a hostage.
(Black Bart grabs Lilly and pulls her close as he fires a shot towards the lawmen, who duck for cover)
1 pistol shot from Black Bart
Deputy Eugene:
Dagnabbit, Sheriff. He’s right. We cain’t shoot him without killing Lilly up there, too.
Sheriff McHendrick:
Have no fear, Deputy. Something’ll turn up.
1 pistol shot from Black Bart
Deputy Eugene:
How do you know that?
Sheriff McHendrick:
‘Cause we’re the good guys. We always win.
Josephine:
Lilly! Do what we taught you to do when the customer don’t pay ya!
Lilly:
Right!
(Lilly turns and kicks Black Bart in the groin, causing him to drop his gun)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Shoot him, Eugene!
(Sheriff McHendrick and Deputy Eugene both fire at Black Bart, shooting him and sending him falling from the top of the bank.)
1 pistol shot from Sheriff McHendrick
1 pistol shot from Deputy Eugene
{20’ High Fall}
Shannon:
You did it! You killed Black Bart!
(The saloon girls all run towards the lawmen)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Thank you ladies, but I was only doin’ my duty as a peacemaker in…
(Sheriff McHendrick’s speech trails off as he sees the girls surround Deputy Eugene, kissing him all over)
Sheriff McHendrick:
Well, that’s the way things go in the West. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Sometimes, you get fired for getting to uppity for yer britches!
Deputy Eugene:
(pulling himself away from the saloon girls)
Sorry, Sheriff. Won’t happen agin.
Sheriff McHendrick:
Thank you all for comin’ ta see the Bandit Attack Stunt Show. Please give a nice round of applause to our hard workin’ cast and crew for putting on the show. We hope you all enjoy the rest of your evening here at Old Fort Dallas.
[End]