2001 Dragon Attack Stunt Show - Hawkwood

Written by Craig Lutke
©2001 Ibidis Mortem Productions




(During the pre-show, Cannonball, Hawkeye, and Popgun enter and arrange themselves in various hammocks & beds in Section E.)

(Pre show winds down with Black Pete talking the crowd up. Once finished, Black Pete moves to his spot at the jail, sitting down and nodding off.)

[Dragonmen Entrance Music]

(Dragonmen enter the stage. Retch from the main tower, Chomp from the white tower stairs, Squat from the well, and Gnaarl from the scout tower in section G. They all gather in center stage.)

(Smoke from the white tower in Section E.)

Gnaarl:

Ya see? I told you this would be easy. These guards are too lazy to even bother looking at the walls, much less guard Ďem. And to think you were worried.

Retch:

Donít go getting all blown up with yourself, Gnaarl.

Chomp:

Yeah! You know what happens when some dragonman gets all full of himself.

Squat:

He must suffer the wrath of our mother, who is a vicious, evil, and mighty dragon

Gnaarl:

Oh, you mean Yohko!

Squat:

(Waits for the inevitable crowd response)

(To audience)

Shhh! Be quiet, would ya? (To Gnaarl) And youÖ (hits Gnaarl on the head) stop saying her name. You know what they do every time you say it.

Chomp:

This is stupid, why donít we get something to eat?

Gnaarl:

Chomp, thereís no time to be thinking with your stomach. Weíve got to take over the forest. Right, Retch?

 

Retch:

Right. I even hear there are some Italians guarding this gate. (Nudges Chomp)

Chomp:

Italian food? Count me in, whatís the plan?

Gnaarl:

Well, now that we donít have a leader since Jerricho was put to pasture, itís up to us to take the forest on our own. To do that, we need a plan.

Squat:

Well, Iím obviously the smartest one of us, I think we should...

Gnaarl, Chomp, Retch:

(In unison)

Shut up!

Gnaarl:

We donít need a super plan, smarty-pants. Theyíre all asleep. Letís just go over and konk Ďem on the head!

Squat:

Itís a very simplistic plan, but it has itís merits.

Chomp:

Letís go, itís past dinnertime in Italy.

(The dragonmen all begin to stealthily creep towards the slumbering guards)

Sgt. Gallows:

(Offstage)

Look alive, ya buggers. Thereís a fire in the hole.

(The dragonmen all pause at the sound.)

Retch:

Did you guys hear something?

(Concussion Bomb)

(All dragonmen except Gnaarl start running around in circles in a quiet panic, holding their ears from the pain.)

Gnaarl:

(Raising his hand)

Uh, I heard something.

Chomp:

(Gesturing around the stage wildly)

Címon, we gotta hide!

(The dragonmen scatter. Retch goes upstairs to the front of the tower in Section M. Chomp goes to the stairs in Section E. Gnaarl goes to the platform on the white tower in Section H. Squat climbs the shrouds in Section E to the deck in Section I.)

(Sgt. Gallows enters from the left entrance in Section E.)

Sgt. Gallows

Now thatís a cannon! Large, long, and a big bang at the end. Reminds me of myself when I wasÖ (sniffs the air) Hold on a moment. (sniffs) Something donít smell right around here. It smells like dragonmen. UnlessÖ (lifts his foot to smell the soles of his boots) nope, itís definitely dragonmen.

(Gallows moves to center stage, looking around.)

Sgt. Gallows:

(To the sleeping guards)

Get up, ya buggeriní sons of whores!

(No response from the guards. Gallows moves to Section E)

Sgt. Gallows:

I said get up, ya worthless, hairy hunchbacks! (Kicks the sleeping Cannonball)

(Cannonball starts snoring loudly. Gallows moves close by and puts his whistle to his lips and blows a deafening blast.)

(Cannonball, Popgun, Hawkeye, and Black Pete all fall out of their hammocks/beds and gather to attention in Section D, while Sgt. Gallows yells at them from Section E.)

All Guards:

(Simultaneously)

Old Gate Guard reporting for duty, sir!

Sgt. Gallows:

Here I am testing out the cannons to defend this gate from the dragonmen of the river and the vicious dragon YohkoÖ and here I find you, my trusted guard sleeping on duty.

Hawkeye:

(Addressing the tree next to Sgt. Gallows)

Now, begginí your pardon, sit, but we was...

(Popgun and Cannonball turn Hawkeye away from the tree and towards Sgt. Gallows)

Hawkeye:

(Squinting)

Right, now as I was saying, we was just taking a moment of introspection and thinking about the fine job what we done to keep the gate clear of them little lizards in pants.

Popgun, Black Pete, & Cannonball:

(Simultaneously)

Right!

Sgt. Gallows:

So, you think youíve cleared the gate out of all the dragonmen, eh?

Guards:

Yes sir!

Sgt. Gallows:

Well, if thatís the case, then how come I see Ďem crawling all over the walls. (gestures towards the hiding dragonmen)

Hawkeye:

I donít see a bloody thing.

Sgt. Gallows:

Of course you wouldnít, you blind old badger.

Popgun:

Well, actually, sir, I donít see any dragon-critters around, either.

Sgt. Gallows:

Oh you donít, do you? Well maybe Iíd better show ya. (Moves to the cannon set along the wall in Section G and grabs a match) Fire in the hole!

Popgun:

Fire in the hole? What does that...

(Sgt. Gallows fires the cannon in Section G.)

(Cannon blast in Section G.)

(The force of the blast causes the dragonmen to all give a yell and fall from their positions.)

(Retch slides down the yardarm rope to land in Section B.)

{Yardarm dismount}

(Chomp falls onto and swings down the rope from the stairs to land in Section E.)

{Rope swing}

(Gnaarl falls off the white tower to the pad in Section G.)

{12í High Fall}

(Squat falls off the wall and gets tangled in the shrouds in Section E.)

 

Sgt. Gallows:

There! I told you this place was crawling with dragonmen.

Black Pete:

Yer certainly right about us being infested by these barnacles captain. I reckon every shipís gotta have rats, though.

Popgun:

Letís take Ďem!

[Begin Fight Music 1]

(Popgun charges into the middle of the dragonmen, only to get pummeled and sent sailing back towards the guards)

[End Fight Music 1]

Popgun:

Where were you guys?

Sgt. Gallows:

You have to wait for the rest of us to get our swords out, Popgun.

Black Pete:

You might want to think of drawiní yer own, there swabbie.

Popgun:

(Shamefacedly)

Whoops, heh heh.

Hawkeye:

Now, letís charge!

(Hawkeye charges the dragonmen, but ends up running into Cannonballís back.)

Hawkeye:

Oh, trying to surprise me, eh?

[Begin Fight Music 1]

(Hawkeye jumps on Cannonballís back and starts flailing about. The rest of the guards attack the dragonmen, Popgun attacks Chomp, Sgt. Gallows attacks Gnaarl, Black Pete attacks Retch)

Black Pete:

(While fighting)

Cannonball, get the cannon over here and give these bilge rats a broadside!

Cannonball:

Right!

Sgt. Gallows:

(While under Gnaarlís attack)

Wait Cannonball! Donít listen to him.

(Cannonball, with Hawkeye still on his back, grabs a cannon from Section B and maneuvers it towards the fighting in center stage)

Cannonball:

Fire in the hole!

(The fighting ends abruptly and the good & bad guys all run for cover as Cannonball fires the cannon.)

(Cannon blast in Section G.)

[End Fight Music 1 Abruptly]

(The dragonmen begin to scatter away from the stage, sneaking away towards the exit at the back of Section C, except for Squat, who remains trapped in the shrouds, trying to free himself.)

**

Chomp, Gnaarl, and Retch move around to the new scout tower in Section 0. Gnaarl grabs the 2 sets of bushes.

**

Black Pete:

That was a fine broadside, Cannonball. Worthy of Blackbeard himself.

Popgun:

(Exasperated)

Pete, yer not a pirate and yer certainly not on a ship!

Black Pete:

Thatís Black Pete ta you, ya lubber, and Iíll thank you to step off my poopdeck.

(Hawkeye, Sgt. Gallows, and Popgun gingerly step away from Black Pete)

Gallows, Hawkeye, Popgun:

Eeew!

Cannonball:

Uh, Sgt. Gallows? What are we gonna do with all these dragonpeoples?

(The guards all look around the stage)

Popgun:

Whereíd they all go? They were just right here!

Sgt. Gallows:

Well, it doesnít look like weíll be doiní much of anything with Ďem, Cannonball. Those sneaky lilí buggers.

Black Pete:

All the lilly-livered lizards havenít gotten away yet. Weíve got one trapped in the rigging over here!

Hawkeye:

Itís an ugly one, too!

Squat:

You should try looking at yourself sometime, hero.

(All the guardsmen react in surprise and awe at Squatís words)

Cannonball:

It talks! A talking lizard! Itís a miracle.

Squat:

Actually, you intellectual midget, itís a miracle we havenít already destroyed you and this forest a hundred times over.

(Sgt. Gallows and Black Pete begin extracting Squat from the shrouds)

Sgt. Gallows:

Maybe it would help if you didnít get all tangled up on the ropes every time you try to attack.

Squat:

(Coughs) Yes, well, I never said we werenít clumsy, just that weíre smarter than you.

Black Pete:

Thatís enough out of you, ya black-hearted pile oí sea kelp.

Sgt. Gallows:

All right Pete, throw this dragonman in the jail.

Black Pete:

You mean the brig, donítcha captain?

Hawkeye:

Youíre not a pirate, you dumb jailer.

Black Pete:

Keep your voice down on the quarterdeck, swabbie!

Squat:

You people are all deranged arenít you?

(Black Pete takes Squat and sticks him in the jail.)

Black Pete:

Shut up, you!

(Once Black Pete has locked the jail door, he settles down for a snooze next to the jail cell.)

Sgt. Gallows:

Well, weíve caught one of the enemy troops, but now we must be on double guard to make sure they donít sneak in again. Iím going to go check the outer perimeter. Popgun, I need you to move to the tower and watch our flanks. Hawkeye, you check on our powder stores. Cannonball, you need to hold the fort while weíre goneÖ and Cannonball? Try not to fall in the swamp well again, all right?

Cannonball:

Right!

(Sgt. Gallows moves to exit through to doorway in Section K. Hawkeye exits at the bottom of the white tower in Section E. Cannonball moves to Section D and stands there with his arms crossed. Popgun moves to Section H, looking over the wall.)

(Chomp, Retch, and Gnaarl enter from behind the scout tower in Section O.)

[Dragonmen Entrance Music]

(Smoke from the scout tower in Section A.)

Chomp:

(To Gnaarl)

Well, your plan really worked out nicely, didnít it?

Retch:

And now theyíve got Squat locked in their jail. You really blew it, buster.

Gnaarl:

Oh right, and I suppose one of you has a plan?

Retch:

As a matter of fact, I do. Weíre gonna do things the sneaky way. Just like mom taught me.

Gnaarl:

You mean our mom, Yohko?

(Audienceís "Oh, no!")

Chomp:

(Hitting Gnaarl on the head)

Would you quit doing that?

(Retch pulls out the fake bushes from behind the tower and the dragonmen move towards Cannonball.)

Retch:

With my plan, weíre going to go forthÖ in disguise. (Evil Laughter) Now letís go and Iíll show you how my plan is the best one.

(Retch leads the way with Chomp and Gnaarl trailing behind.)

[Begin Dragonmen Sneaking Music ]

(The dragonbushes occasionally collide with one another as they get closer to Section C. Occasionally, Gnaarlís head pops up to see whatís going on and gets hit by Retch)

(The dragonbushes eventually get to either side of Cannonball in Section D, they crowd closer and closer, leaning in towards Cannonball until he turns his head and then they act like theyíre just looking around.)

(This goes on once or twice until just as hands emerge from the bushes and close in on Cannonball, Hawkeye enters from Section E. At the sound of Hawkeyeís voice, the hands zip back into the bushes.)

[End Dragonmen Sneaking Music]

Hawkeye:

Hey Cannonball, have you seen the matches around anywhere? I canít seem to... (spots the bushes) hey, who are your friends?

Cannonball:

Huh? Oh, themís just some bushes that grew up while you were gone.

Hawkeye:

Bushes, eh? Themís some pretty fast growiní bushes if you ask me. Thereís gotta be something wrong with Ďem.

(Hawkeye moves close enough to peer into the bushes.)

Hawkeye:

Holy jumpiní jackobites! Them bushes is infested with the biggest mosquitoes Iíve ever seen!

Cannonball:

Mosquitoes? Can I shoot Ďem, huh?

(Cannonball pulls his gun and points it at the bush with Chomp/Gnaarl. The bush shakes and Gnaarl tries to sneak away, but gets pulled back in by Chomp)

Hawkeye:

No, you canít shoot Ďem. Theyíll just leave mosquito guts all over the place and I donít want to be cleaning all that up.

Cannonball:

Aw, man.

 

Hawkeye:

Hold still, Iíve got just the thing for these little buggers.

(Hawkeye reaches back behind the tree in Section E for the bug sprayer)

Hawkeye:

This always kills the mosquitoes around my house.

(Hawkeye sprays the closest bush to him (Retch) with the spray. After much hacking and choking Retch falls to the ground outside the bush)

Cannonball:

Youíre right. Those are some big mosquitoes!

Hawkeye:

Now, Iíll just spray this other bush and...

(Chomp throws down the bush and draws her weapon)

Chomp:

Oh, no ya donít. Iím not gonna get sprayed by that junk.

Cannonball:

Oh, boy. First talking lizards, now talking mosquitoes.

Hawkeye:

Those arenít mosquitoes talking, ya bocci ball, themís dragonmen.

Cannonball:

That means I can shoot them, right?

(Cannonball points his gun at Gnaarl)

Gnaarl:

Hey, whatíd I do?

Chomp:

(Dashing behind Cannonball)

Youíd better not spray me with that stuff!

Hawkeye:

(Turning towards the sound of Chompís voice)

Ha! Now Iíve got ya!

(Hawkeye sprays Cannonball in the face with the bug sprayer, causing Cannonball to gag and drop his gun and start flailing at everyone.)

Hawkeye:

Take that ya bugger! Cannonball, this thing has sprung a leak here. I need to see if I can fix it.

(Hawkeye moves off towards the front of the well while Gnaarl gets caught by Cannonball accidentally and put into a headlock.)

Gnaarl:

Hey Chomp, wanna give me a hand here?

Chomp:

First things first. Iím looking for the kitchen.

(Chomp exits towards the white tower)

Gnaarl:

Let go of me, ya big ox... all right, I warned ya.

(Gnaarl bites Cannonballís arm, causing Cannonball to yell out in pain. This wakes Black Pete up from his nap.)

Black Pete:

Well shiver me timbers! Weíve been boarded! Hold on Cannonball, Iím cominí ta help ye.

(As Black Pete walks by the jail, Squat reaches out and grabs Peteís sword and pulls it from its sheath, holding it towards Black Pete)

Squat:

You wonít be needing that will ya?

Black Pete:

Give me that back, you black-hearted villain!

(Pete and Squat continue their game of cat and mouse while Retch recovers from the spray)

Retch:

Hold on, Gnaarl, Iím cominí.

(Retch engages Cannonball in a comic wrestling match while attempting to get Gnaarlís head clear.)

(Sgt. Gallows walks in from the entrance in Section K.)

Sgt. Gallows:

What theÖ? To arms! To arms! Popgun! Get down there and attack!

(Double smoke from the well in Section C.)

(Popgun turns around and starts to run down the stairs, only to stop and grab a rope tied to the stairs and swing into action. Sgt. Gallows slides down the pole and closes on the dragonmen)

{Rope Swing}

(Cannonball and the dragonmen have moved to the front of Section C and Cannonball throws off Gnaarl and hurls him towards Sgt. Gallows. Sgt. Gallows steps out of the way and Gnaarl runs into Hawkeye, who is positioned on the well. They collide in an explosion of powder from the bug sprayer and both disappear over the edge of the well.)

{Well Collision/Fall}

Cannonball:

Oh, no! Hawkeye!

(Cannonball runs to the well and leans over the inside to try and pull Hawkeye from the bog. Sgt. Gallows and Popgun engage Retch in Section D. Their fight continues along the hammocks in Section E. At some point this causes Sgt. Gallows to go down and the hammocks become part of the fight.)

(Eventually, Sgt. Gallows and Popgun defeat Retch, sending her running for Section B and exiting stage right)

**

Gnaarl moves to the Scout tower in Section N. He dresses in his flight harness.

**

Sgt. Gallows:

Well, that takes care of that! (Turns and sees Black Pete still trying to get his sword back) Pete! Where the devil were you?!? Couldnít you see the dragonmen scattered all over the place?

Black Pete:

I would have loved to help ye, Capín, but a pirate ainít so bloody good without their cutlass, now are they?

Squat:

Actually, this isnít a cutlass. Itís an English longsword.

Black Pete:

Thatís enough out of you, ya bloody bilge rat. Itís a cutlass if I say it is.

Squat:

How have you people lived this long?

Popgun:

You mean this lizard had your sword all this time?

Black Pete:

Well, he wouldnít give it back ta me.

Sgt. Gallows:

(To Squat)

Give him back his sword.

Squat:

No.

(Sgt. Gallows motions to Popgun, who promptly draws his guns and points them at Squat)

Squat:

Right, then.

(Squat hands Peteís sword back to him.)

Sgt. Gallows:

Try and hang on to it, this time, would you, Pete?

Black Pete:

Thatís Black Pete, captain.

Sgt. Gallows:

Fine, Black Pete.

(Smoke from the white tower in Section E.)

(Chomp comes walking in from the white tower in Section E. She moves to stand in the clearing in Section D.)

Chomp:

Hey guys, I found some food in the the....

(Chomp stops when she looks up and sees the humans staring at her. They just look at each other and crouch like animals stalking each other.)

(Cannonball pulls Hawkeye out to where Hawkeye is hanging on to the well and dangling inside.)

Cannonball:

I got him. I got Hawkeye!

(At Cannonballís words, Popgun attacks. Chomp avoids the diving Popgun by jumping on the trampoline and landing on the shrouds.)

{Trampoline into net}

(She then jumps through Black Pete and Sgt. Gallows by bounding off the trampoline and landing past them. As she does, Black Pete and Sgt. Gallows both draw their guns and point them towards her, finishing by pointing their weapons at each other.)

{Trampoline bounce}

Black Pete & Sgt. Gallows:

(Simultaneously)

Iíve got her!

(Black Pete and Sgt. Gallows both yell and duck under each otherís pistols. Chomp turns and runs for the well, stepping on Hawkeyeís shoulders as she goes over the well, causing Hawkeye to fall back in again.)

(When she reaches the other side, Cannonball stops her, forcing her to jump back across the well and Cannonball almost falls inside chasing after her)

(She lands in Section C by the lift line and it surrounded by Sgt. Gallows, Popgun, and Black Pete)

Sgt. Gallows:

Now, why donít you just give it up and go to jail like a nice girl.

Chomp:

Did you just call me nice?

(Chomp takes a swing at Sgt. Gallows with her weapon. Gallows ducks, causing Popgun to get hit instead. While the good guys are momentarily caught off-guard, Chomp hits the gets on the lift line and is lifted to the second level in Section J.)

{Lift Line}

Black Pete:

Avast, capín! The mermaidís a gettin' away!

Sgt. Gallows:

Well, catch her, then.

(Chomp makes it to the top, and turns to taunt the good guys.)

Sgt. Gallows:

All right, letís get up there and make some boots outta that dragon!

[Begin Chase Music]

(Black Pete goes up the ladder in Section K, Popgun leaps onto the trampoline in Section E and climbs to Section I. Sgt. Gallows goes out the exit in Section C.)

**

Gallows receives a loaded flintlock and heads up the ladder to backstage of Section K.

**

(Black Pete engages Chomp in a brief scuffle until Popgun arrives from behind.)

(Chomp engages in a fight with Black Pete and Popgun. She disables Black Pete and makes a run for the tower in Section M with Popgun close behind.)

(Chomp swings on the yardarm away from Popgun, who tries to dive after her, but falls into the rockpile)

{Yardarm swing}

{9í High Fall}

**

Popgun quickly clears off the pad in preparation for Chomp.

**

(Chomp swings back and lands on the edge of the platform in Section M, looking down at the fallen Popgun and taunting him)

[End Chase Music]

**

Popgun begins putting bandages on his ribs.

**

Chomp:

Ha, ha! You suck! You suck! Your mama wears clean clothes. Your daddy eats fat-free.

(While Chomp is taunting, Sgt. Gallows emerges from the doorway in Section K and points his flintlock at Chomp.)

Sgt. Gallows:

Yo, she-lizard.

(Chomp turns and looks at Sgt. Gallows and Gallows fires his gun, causing Chomp to react and fall into the rock pile.)

(Flintlock fire from Section K.)

{9í High Fall}

[Begin Western Music]

(Sgt. Gallows blows on the flintlock, does some kind of fancy gunwork and exits back thru the gate in Section K.)

[End Western Music]

**

Sgt. Gallows moves to the edge of Section G backstage.

**

(Cannonball finally manages to retrieve Hawkeye from the well in Section C.)

(Squat opens the jail door and begins to sneak across the stage in Section G.)

Cannonball:

Did you see that, Hawkeye? That lizard leaped all the way over the well and landed on your head.

Hawkeye:

Yeah, Cannonball, I know. I may be nearly blind, but I do still have my sense of touch. (Looks around a bit) Whereís Pete?

Black Pete:

Thatís Black Pete, ya blind coot, and Iím up here behind ya.

Hawkeye:

Wait a second. If youíre up there, then whoís guarding the prisoner?

(All onstage characters turn and look at Squat, who is slowly moving away into Section G towards the scout tower.)

Black Pete:

Hey, get back in yer cage, ya filthy shark bait.

Squat:

I would, old boy, put there are really pressing things to do in the industry of evil, you know.

Black Pete:

(To Hawkeye & Cannonball)

Donít just sit there like a couple of barnacles, go capture him.

(Black Pete descends the slide pole and lands in Section B)

Cannonball:

I got him!

(Cannonball charges forward and runs Hawkeye over, causing both of them to crash in a tangle of bodies)

(Squat reaches the scout tower and is about to make his escape when Sgt. Gallows emerges from behind the wall, his gun drawn and pointed at Squat)

Sgt. Gallows:

I know you werenít trying to leave now were ya?

Squat:

Oh, hello there. You know you really shouldnít leave the door unlocked, anyone can get out of there, you know.

(Gallows marches Squat back to the jail)

Sgt. Gallows:

Thatís right, Mr. Intelligence. Iím sure you know your way back to jail. (To Hawkeye & Cannonball) You two! Get off of each other and go pull Popgun out of that rockpile.

Hawkeye:

Yes Sgt. Gallows.

Sgt. Gallows:

Black Pete? You get over here.

Black Pete:

Aye, aye, Capín.

Sgt. Gallows:

Thatís Sergeant, ya useless bag of navel lint.

(Hawkeye & Cannonball go to the rockpile in Section A and pull out Popgun. Black Pete quickly runs over to stand next to Sgt. Gallows, who has just placed Squat back in jail.)

Black Pete:

Iím really sorry about that Capín, heís slipperier than a greased eel in a bucket of cod oil, that one is.

Sgt. Gallows:

Your chances of not being demoted back to ditch digger arenít looking too good, Pete.

Black Pete:

Uh... sir?

Sgt. Gallows:

What!?

Black Pete:

(Hesitantly)

Uh, thatís Black Pete, sir?

(Sgt. Gallows takes off his hat and proceeds to smack Black Pete with it repeatedly. Squat begins to sneak out of the jail door.)

Sgt. Gallows:

Iíll be calling you Periwinkle Blue Pete if you donít keep this lizard locked up in this jail. (To Squat without looking) You get back in your cell.

Squat:

Canít fault a dragon for trying.

(Squat goes back in jail)

Sgt. Gallows:

(To Black Pete)

Now watch him and donít let him get out.

Black Pete:

(Snapping to attention)

I swear it by me long john, he wonít be gettingí away.

(Sgt. Gallows moves to Section D where he is met by Popgun, Cannonball, and Hawkeye)

Sgt. Gallows:

How are ya feeliní Popgun?

Popgun:

I feel like Iíve been scandalized by a two dollar french whore, sir.

Hawkeye:

(Looking towards the rockpile)

Thereís a two dollar french whore in there?

Sgt. Gallows:

That must be one vicious rock pile.

Popgun:

You have no idea, sir.

Hawkeye:

You know, I once knew a girl named Fifi that could do that to a man, too.

Sgt. Gallows:

Tell us about it in the infirmary. We need to get Popgun fixed up.

(Popgun, Cannonball, Gallows, and Hawkeye move to the exit in Section B with Hawkeye regaling them with a story about Fifi.)

**

Cannonball receives 2 black powder pistols from backstage. Sgt. Gallows receives one loaded flintlock.

**

Squat:

You know, you really shouldnít stand at attention like that. Itís not good for you.

Black Pete:

Belay that chatter back there. This is a brig, not a gossip market.

Squat:

Iím serious, you know. Itís not good for you.

Black Pete:

Uh, uh. Iím not listening to you anymore. Yer bad news, that what you are.

(Black Pete sticks his fingers in his ears and starts humming really loud.)

Squat:

Fine, have it your way, if you get a case of bone frogs, donít come crying to me.

(Black Pete stops humming, takes his fingers out of his ears and turns towards Squat)

Black Pete:

Bone frogs?

Squat:

Thatís right, bone frogs.

Black Pete:

What are those?

Squat:

Itís what happens when you stand up too much. Theyíre really nastyÖ but you didnít want to hear me talk, so Iím not gonna tell you about Ďem.

Black Pete:

But I donít want bone frogs.

Squat:

Nope, canít help you, Iím just a prisoner here.

Black Pete:

Címon. Tell me how ta get rid of Ďem.

Squat:

Oh all right. Nothing I hate worse than a whiny pirate. Youíre going to have to do some toe touches to stretch your back and squeeze the frogs.

Black Pete:

(Doing a quick toe touch)

You mean like this?

Squat:

Close, now put your hand up by your head. Like this. (Squat demonstrates)

Black Pete:

Like this?

Squat:

Pretty close, but still not quite right. Try turning around and doing it.

Black Pete:

All right.

(Black Pete turns a bends over facing the jail cell, he ends up placing his head & hands in the stocks and Squat promptly locks him in place.)

Squat:

You know? Youíre so easy, I feel like Iím kicking a beat dog.

(Black Pete launches into a string of curses as Squat moves to exit out of Section G.)

( Sgt. Gallows, Cannonball, Hawkeye, and Popgun enter from Section B.)

Cannonball:

Hey Sergeant. Thereís a headless pirate over by our jail.

Hawkeye:

(Reacting in panic and drawing his pistol)

Glory be, Sergeant. Heís right, itís the ghost of Cornflower Roberts come back to haunt us.

Sgt. Gallows:

Not unless Cornflower Roberts was the dumbest man on the planet.

(The guardsmen arrive at the jail)

Sgt. Gallows:

Pete! (Black Pete jumps in the stocks and hurts himself) What in the name of all thatís good and holy is going on here?!?

Black Pete:

There was 20 of Ďem captain. They had me surrounded. There was nothing I could do but run up the white flag.

Sgt. Gallows:

Hawkeye, get him out of there. Cannonball and Popgun, you come with me. That dragonman couldn't have gotten too far. Letís go up and see if we can spot him.

(Sgt. Gallows, Popgun, and Cannonball move up to the left side of Section J. Hawkeye frees Black Pete from the stocks)

Hawkeye:

You know. I may be almost blind, but even I know this isnít the way youíre supposed to use these.

Black Pete:

Aw, who asked you, swabbie?

Hawkeye:

So you say there was 20 of Ďem, eh?

Black Pete:

Thatís right and each of Ďem had 2 8 pound cannonís with Ďem. Theyíd have put holes in our dinghies for sure if Iíd have fought Ďem.

Hawkeye:

Well, maybe your dinghy. Some of our dinghies are harder to handle than others.

(Hawkeye and Black Pete kind of look at each other in the face, then look at each otherís crotch, then look away quickly)

Hawkeye:

Anyway, did I ever tell you about the time I was surrounded by Amazon women?

Black Pete:

Aye, but itís a good story anyway, so letís hear it.

(Black Pete and Hawkeye move next to the tree in Section E while Hawkeye tells his story)

**

Hawkeye receives a loaded black powder flintlock from backstage.

**

Sgt. Gallows:

Take a look over that wall, soldiers, and see if you can spot that dragonman.

Cannonball:

Whatís he look like?

Popgun:

Ya idiot! Heís the talking lizard we captured earlier.

Cannonball:

Oh yeah. Can I shoot him?

Popgun & Sgt. Gallows:

(Simultaneously)

Yes!

(All three guardsmen begin looking over the wall. Cannonball on the Stage left-most side, Sgt. Gallows and Popgun in more center stage)

Sgt. Gallows:

You see anything?

Popgun:

No sir. You see anything cannonball?

(Cannonball fires a flintlock over the wall. Sgt. Gallows and Popgun draw their guns and face him.)

(Flintlock fire from Section I.)

Sgt. Gallows:

What happened? What were you shooting at?

(Cannonball lifts a rubber lizard from over the wall.)

Cannonball:

I got him!

(Sgt. Gallows and Popgun put up their guns)

Sgt. Gallows:

Cannonball, what are you doing? Thatís not him.

Cannonball:

You said a talking lizard and this one was talking to me.

Popgun:

Oh really, what did he say?

Cannonball:

He said, "You got the wrong guy."

Sgt. Gallows:

Well, it looks like weíre going to have to search for him from the ground. Letís get down there and see if we can find him.

(Sgt. Gallows turns to grab the rope to throw over the wall.)

Popgun:

Right!

(Popgun leaps over the wall, yelling all the way down)

**

Popgun begins putting bandages on his head.

**

Sgt. Gallows:

Now, you take this rope and... Popgun?

Popgun:

(from backstage)

Down here, sir!

Sgt. Gallows:

You silly bugger, youíre supposed to use a rope to climb down.

Popgun:

Sorry, sir! Iíll do better next time.

Cannonball:

He doesnít look real good, Sergeant.

Sgt. Gallows:

Hereís take this rope and letís see if we can get him back up.

(Cannonball and Sgt. Gallows throw the rope over the wall and try to retrieve Popgun.)

[Dragonmen Entrance Music]

(Smoke from the scout tower in Section G.)

(Chomp, Squat, and Retch make their entrance in Section G, standing by the edge of the crowd next to Margaret.)

Chomp:

Well, weíre a big 0-for-2 now arenít we?

Retch:

Hey, my plan would have worked if it werenít for you running away to go find some food.

Squat:

Now, ladies, letís not get into an argument here. Surely we can disagree without...

Chomp:

Can it, smarty-pants. You stay out of it.

Retch:

Yeah, no one likes you anyway.

Squat:

Now see here, Iím smarter than the whole lot of you.

(A loud yelling match takes place and the dragonmen start shoving each other around until one of them bumps Margaret by accident.)

Margaret:

Hey, watch out.

Retch:

Youíd back off human, of you knew what was good for ya.

Margaret:

I didnít pay money to get in here and get shoved around by you guys.

(All three of the dragonmen stop arguing and turn to glare menacingly at Margaret.)

Chomp:

You havenít seen shoving around yet.

(The three dragonmen start stalking towards Margaret, who backs away with her hands up onto the stage.)

Margaret:

Whoa, hold on a second. Ya donít gotta be rude.

Retch:

Oh, thatís it, youíre dinner now, sister.

[Begin Stalking Music]

(The three dragonmen begin to attack Margaret, who manages to avoid them with a great deal of luck, the dragonmenís clumsiness, and many shots from her purse, which she always seems to manage to hit Squat with.)

Squat:

What does she have in that thing anyway?

(At one point, the three dragonmen are halted long enough for Margaret to scramble up the ladder to the scout tower.)

Chomp:

Whereíd she go?

Retch:

Sheís up there! (Pointing toward Margaret)

Chomp:

Well, go get her.

Retch:

What are you going to do?

Chomp:

(smiling)

Iím going to hold the ladder.

Retch:

Oh, good.

(Retch scrambles up the ladder until she reaches the correct rung.)

(Margaret gives quick yell and shoves the ladder over)

{Ladder Fall}

[End Stalking Music]

Retch:

(from under the ladder)

I thought you were going to hold the ladder, Chomp.

**

Retch attaches the hand loads to her wrists.

**

Chomp:

Are you kidding me? That thing could have fallen on me. Besides, thereís boiling pitch up on that tower and I donít want it getting all over me.

Margaret:

Boiling pitch?

(Margaret looks around and spots the boiling pitch pot. She starts to tip it over.)

Squat:

Donít you worry about that, human. Your primitive mind couldnít begin to fathom the operations of such aÖ

(Margaret dumps the boiling pitch all over Squat, laughing all the time.)

{Boiling Pitch}

Squat:

You know? A smart dragon would focus past the pain and burning and remain calm.

Chomp:

Yeah, and a real dragon would yell and scream in agony.

(Squat starts yelling and flailing his arms about.)

(Margaret slides down the pole in the front of the tower and dusts her hands off as if in a job well done. She is quickly flanked by Retch and Chomp.)

Chomp:

Nowhere to run to now, human.

(Chomp and Retch reach out and grab Margaretís shoulders. Squat comes up in front of her, reaching out menacingly. Margaret quickly kicks him in the groin, causing him to yell in pain and collapse into Retch & Chomp)

(Margaret runs to the safety of the crowd and pulls out a fake mustache and a ball cap from her purse and dons them. Sitting down in her original position)

(The dragonmen recover and fan the crowd looking for Margaret)

Retch:

All right, thatís it. Iím through fooling around with this broad.

Squat:

Wait Ďtil I dump some boiling tar on her head and see how she likes it.

(Chomp stops in front of Margaret, peering closely at her)

Chomp:

Hey, donít I know you?

Margaret:

(In a fake manís voice)

Uh uh, good buddy. Iím just here to watch the show. Yaíll boys is a hoot.

Chomp:

Hmmm, I think...

Gnaarl:

(From his perch on the tower in Section A.)

Hey guys, IĎm ready. Letís go already.

Retch:

What are you doing up there?

Squat:

Ah, the time has come. Itís time to follow a true mastermindís fiendish plan.

Chomp:

What do you have in mind?

Squat:

Itís simple, really. We are, after all, creatures of magic, arenít we?

Retch:

Yeah, but...

Squat:

That means itís time to use our magic to destroy these humans once and for all.

(Chomp and Squat move to get their props)

Gnaarl:

Then, when weíre done, we can call our mom, Yohko!

(Retch hushes the crowd)

Retch:

(To Gnaarl)

Would you please stop doing that? Weíre trying to be sneaky here, you know.

Squat:

Come Gnaarl, letís do this attack the really old fashioned way, with magic.

Gnaarl:

Itís party time. Incomiiiiiing!

**

Margaret moves backstage to attend to Yohko.

**

[Begin Fight Music 2]

(Gnaarl slides down the zip line to crash into the wall in Section K.)

{Zip Line}

(Sgt. Gallows and Cannonball manage to get Popgun back over the wall. Gallows turns and sees Gnaarl groaning from smashing the wall)

Sgt Gallows:

Look alive down there, soldiers, weíve got some more lizards to stomp.

Black Pete:

No worries, Capín. Weíll take care of these toothless sharks.

Squat:

Not this time, my good man. Chomp?

(Chomp holds Hawkeye and Black Pete at bay with her fire breathing while Gnaarl disengages himself from the zip line.)

Sgt. Gallows:

Popgun, get down there and help with that fire-breather.

Popgun:

Yes, sir.

(Popgun heads for the white tower. Gnaarl has picked up his sword and begins to move towards Sgt. Gallows and Cannonball)

Squat:

Now, itís time for you all to feel the real power of the children of Yohko!

Hawkeye:

Ha! Do your worst.

(Squat moves a bit of fire in his hands, causing an explosion by the tree in Section E. Hawkeye is thrown to Section D.)

(Sonic/Flash explosion in Section E.)

(Black Pete makes a run for Section B, but is caught by Squatís next shot, causing an explosion by the well in Section C, throwing Black Pete back into Section D.)

(Sonic/Flash explosion in Section C.)

**

Chomp exits in Section E to clean herself of parrafin.

**

(Retch fires off a shot, causing an explosion at the corner of Section J/I, sending Cannonball back into the center of J.)

(Hand Flash in Section C/F.)

(Sonic/Flash explosion in Section I/J.)

(Retch fires her second hand load, causing and explosion in Section J between Gnaarl and Sgt. Gallows, sending Gnaarl flying over the wall backstage)

**

Gnaarl moves to inside the well in Section C.

**

(Hand Flash in Section C/F.)

(Sonic/Flash explosion in Section J.)

Retch:

Whoops! Sorry about that, Gnaarl.

Squat:

Here, Retch, let me show you how itís done.

(Squat causes another explosion in Section H, by the tower, catching Popgun just as he gets to the platform and sending him falling to the ground below)

(Sonic/Flash explosion in Section H.)

{12í High fall}

Sgt. Gallows:

Thatís it, weíre getting our bollocks kicked here. Letís show these dragonmen how we do explosions around here. (Draws his flintlock)

Hawkeye:

Gladly, sir.

(Hawkeye draws the charged flintlock and fires squintlingly at Retch, he misses and ends up hitting the powder barrel in Section B.)

(Flintlock fire in Section D.)

(Sonic Flash explosion in Section B.)

(The explosion sends Retch & Chomp sprawling to the ground in Section C/D.)

(Black Pete takes Hawkeyeís gun away from him)

Black Pete:

Give me that, ya blind barracuda!

Cannonball:

Oh boy, my turn!

(Cannonball fires his gun towards Squat, but ends up hitting the barrel behind him instead.)

(Flintlock fire in Section J.)

(Sonic Flash explosion in Section E.)

(The explosion sends Squat reeling towards the other dragonmen in Section D.)

Squat:

This is becoming intolerable. Sound the retreat!

[End Fight Music 2]

(The dragonmen on stage head towards the tower in Section A)

Cannonball:

Sergeant, we scared off them lizards but good.

Black Pete:

Thatís right, retreat back to Davey Jonesí locker, ye dolphins without a porpoise.

(Gnaarl pops up out of the well, shouting and yelling for all heís worth. He lands in Section D, making growly noises at Hawkeye and Black Pete.)

Hawkeye:

(after squinting at Gnaarl)

Oh shore and bejesus. Itís my mother-in-law!

(Hawkeye turns and runs for the ladder and climbs to a position in Section K.)

Gnaarl:

(to Black Pete)

What about you, Ahab?

Black Pete:

Well now, I would be making for high tide right now iffín it werenít for a cargo full of knowledge Iím privy to that you arenít.

Gnaarl:

Whatís that?

Black Pete:

Yer shipmates have gone AWOL on ye.

(Gnaarl quickly looks around, notices the lack of dragonmen, then looks up towards the wall, where Cannonball and Sgt. Gallows cock the hammers on their pistols and aim then at him.)

(Gnaarl takes off for the shelter of Section A and Sgt. Gallows fires a shot from his flintlock that catches Gnaarl in the butt, sending him hopping)

(Flintlock fire in Section J.)

(Chomp enters from Section E.)

(Sgt. Gallows and Cannonball come down to center stage. Black Pete retrieves Popgun from the ground in Section G. Hawkeye stays on the wall. There is much rejoicing.)

Chomp:

All right, this has gone on long enough. Iím sick of running from these furry mammals.

Retch:

What have you got in mind?

Chomp:

The same thing Gnaarlís been doing all day.

(The dragonmen turn to look at Gnaarl whoís scratching himself in unseemly places)

Squat:

We could try, but I donít think itís going to scare them much.

Chomp:

Not that, Iím talking about calling in our Mom.

Retch:

You mean the vicious and evil dragon...?

(The turn to look at Gnaarl whoís bouncing up and down in anticipation)

Squat:

Go ahead and say it.

Gnaarl:

(With a lot of pizzazz)

Yohko!

(At the audienceís reaction, Dragon stomping is heard and the trees begin to shake backstage.)

[Dragon Stomping]

(Smoke from behind the wall in Section J.)

(Hawkeye peers over the wall, screams and grabs the high/low slide for life and descends to the ground in Section G)

{High/Low slide for life}

(When Hawkeye lands, he excitedly points back towards Yohko, who is emerging from over the wall in Section J, roaring.)

[Dragon Roar]

(Yohkoís roar cuts off abruptly as the good guys turn and calmly point their guns at Yohko)

(Yohko raises her hands up and slowly descends back behind the wall)

Yohko:

Whoops. Wrong gate.

(The once Yohko disappears, the good guys all turn back to the audience and congratulate each other. Once they turn Yohko raises back over the wall and breathes fire, causing an explosion by the tree in Section E.)

(Dragon flash in Section J.)

(Sonic/Flash explosion in Section E.)

(Smoke from Yohko)

(As the good guys sprawl to the ground, the dragonmen and Yohko all start laughing.)

(Black Pete gets up and starts stomping away)

Black Pete:

Thatís it. Iím jumpiní ship. Nobody never said nuthiní about sea monsters breathiní fire on me.

Popgun:

You canít quit now. Itís just gettingí good.

(Popgun tries to attack Yohko, but Sgt. Gallows catches him by the shirt collar, holding him while Popgun flails)

Sgt. Gallows:

Black Pete, get back here and fight!

Black Pete:

Uh, uh. (aside) I should have read the map, it said there be dragons here.

Sgt. Gallows:

You know, a real pirate wouldnít run away from a fight, Black Pete, heíd be wanting this dragonís treasure.

Black Pete:

(stopping mid-stride, pondering)

All right, Iíll stay, but only if I get part of this dragonís booty.

Hawkeye:

So, thatís what youíre into, eh? Shouldíve known.

Yohko:

(to the dragonmen)

This is what you called me here for? You children really need to learn to stop running to mommie every time things get scaly.

Retch:

But mom, theyíve got swords.

Yohko:

So, get in there and fight with yours!

Chomp:

But, they also have guns...

Squat:

And cannons...

Gnaarl:

(holding his aching behind)

And really hard rocks.

Sgt. Gallows:

We call those bullets.

Yohko:

Oh, quit being such geckos and get in there and fight. If they try to use cannons on you, Iíll just burn them alive.

(The good guys react to Yohkoís suggestion)

Sgt. Gallows:

(dashing to the weaponís rack)

Címon, letís get our weapons and defend the gate!

[Begin Fight Music 3]

(The dragonmen charge the good guys in Section B. Sgt. Gallows begin distributing the weapons to the good guys)

(As he hands a weapon to a guard, they are immediately attacked by a dragonman. Chomp attacks Popgun, Squat attacks Cannonball, Retch attacks Black Pete, who is hit by the blindly swinging Hawkeye.)

(Chomp & Popgun move off towards Section D, Squat & Cannonball moves towards Section G, Retch, Black Pete, and Hawkeye stay in Section C.)

(Gnaarl comes up behind Sgt. Gallows and surprises him, causing him to squeal like a girl and jump back into Section B/A.)

(Chomp defeats Popgun and moves over to help Retch in Section C/D.)

(Sgt. Gallows disables Gnaarl and moves to help Black Pete and Hawkeye, but before he gets there, Black Pete is KOíd by Hawkeye accidentally.)

(Cannonball defeats Squat in Section G and moves to grab the cannon next to him)

(Retch & Chomp turn to look at Sgt. Gallows just as Gnaarl recovers. A fast 5-way fight ensues until Hawkeye is knocked down to the ground and the 3 dragonmen converge on Gallows, who makes a retreat to the ladder in Section B. He keeps fighting, but canít get onto the ladder until Hawkeye manages to trip all 3 dragonmen, allowing Gallows time to scale the ladder.)

(Retch finishes off Hawkeye while Cannonball tries to sneak up on her with the cannon. Chomp and Gnaarl scale the ladder. Retch sees Cannonball and engages in a quick fight with him until Chomp and Gnaarl make it to the top of the ladder, then she defeats him.)

(Chomp, Gnaarl and Sgt. Gallows begin a 3-way fight on the wall, leading to Sgt. Gallows escaping from them by hiding behind the tower wall.)

Gnaarl:

Where did he go?

Chomp:

I donít know. Iíll check up high

(Chomp climbs the stairs to the top of the tower in Section M. Gnaarl continues to look around the platform in sections L and M.)

Yohko:

What are you two doing? If I have to climb over there, heads are gonna roll!

Gnaarl:

But Mom, heís too fast, we donít know where he went

Chomp:

Yeah, heís a sneaky little... Wait! Here he is right here! Gnaarl, get him!

(Gnaarl heads for the tower in section M)

(Sgt. Gallows grabs the high to high slide for life and slides across to the tower in section A. Gnaarl dives for him and misses, falling into the rock pile down below.)

{High to High Slide For Life}

{9í High fall}

**

Gnaarl rapidly clears off the pad, setting it for Chomp.

**

Yohko:

All right, time for me to fry this turkey

Chomp:

Mom, wait! Heís not here, heís over...

Yohko:

Here it comes!

(Yohko breathes fire, causing an explosion on top of the tower in section M knocking Chomp off of the tower into the rock pile below)

(Dragon flash in Section J.)

(Sonic/Flash explosion in Section M.)

{20í High fall}

[End Fight Music 3]

Yohko:

Did I get him?

Sgt. Gallows:

No, I donít think so, Yohko.

Yohko:

Did you hurt my children? If you did, Iím going to...

Sgt. Gallows:

It wasnít me. I havenít touch a scale on their nasty little bodies. Youíre the one whoís done all the damage around here!

Yohko:

Oh no! All my babies are hurt and itís all my fault!

Retch:

No weíre not! Iím doing just fine! Not to mention Squat over there.

(Retch points to Squat who is beginning to stir)

Yohko:

You mean youíre not hurt! What a relief! Unfortunately, the same canít be said for your brother and sister. My children are just too small and fragile, I guess. They still have some growing up to do.

Retch & Squat:

Mom!

Yohko:

But they did fight good, didnít they?

Sgt. Gallows:

Oh, thereís no doubt about that. My, (cough), soldiers werenít exactly a match for them.

Good Guys:

Sergeant!

Sgt. Gallows:

Hey, I call Ďem like I see Ďem!

Yohko:

Come on kids, lets go get some food in you. Youíre never gonna get bigger if you donít eat right.

(Gnaarl and Chomp enter from section B)

Dragonpeople:

(grumbling)

All right

Yohko:

And maybe afterwards, we can get some ice cream!

Dragonpeople:

Yea!

(Dragonpeople exit out of section B. Yohko descends behind the wall. The defeated guardsmen stir and move out amongst the crowd.)

Sgt. Gallows:

Maybe theyíll be bigger at 4:30 (aside) just in time for the next show. As you can all plainly see, this gate, with these guards, will never withstand the attack against grownup dragonpeople. Only an intense amount of training and equipment can turn these idiots...

Good Guys:

Hey!

Sgt. Gallows:

Alleged idiotsÖ into an elite fighting force. Itís pretty easy to tell we donít have the money to do this. Only through your generous contributions can you save the Old Gate and by proxy, your own hides, from the ravenous hordes or the dread dragon Yohko!

(The dragon men pop their heads over the wall and yell "OH NO!")

Sgt. Gallows:

Thank you for coming to watch "The Dragon Attack Stunt Show" and try not to stab yourselves in the head for the rest of the dayÖ and buy a shirt!

 

END