1999 Dragon Attack Stunt Show - Hawkwood Fantasy Faire
Show 2 - The Ecstacy

Written by Craig Lutke
©1999 Ibidis Mortem Productions





(The pre-show winds down as Clangedon and Dumatheon Steelshaper inform the crowd of the principal characters and the earlier attack on the Old Gate by the Sorcerer Jerricho and his evil dragonmen. The also inform the audience of Jerrichoís vow to return and capture the town at exactly 8:30. "What time do you make it?" "8:30", then they both look at each other and run off-stage)

(Enter Plushing from the tower in Section E. moving into Section D.)

Plushing:

There, we shouldnít have any more problems with dragonman infestations, Port. Iíve removed all of the copies of Playlizard from the magazine racks. Port? (Looking around) Port, where are you? Port Cullis, get back here and guard the gate like youíre supposed to!

(Enter Port from the opening in Section C holding a torch in his hand and hurrying along quickly.)

Port:

Would you be quiet, Lord Plushing, I was in the middle of some delicate work there.

Plushing:

Iím almost afraid to ask what that might be.

Port:

Oh, Iím just sealing off the hole in the wall the dragonmen were coming in through earlier.

Plushing:

How were you doing that?

Port:

(Sticking a finger in his ear and squinting his eyes)

Oh, youíll hear in just a second.

(An explosion sounds from the wall in section K, causing Plushing to drop to the ground in fear.)

(Concussion Bomb in Section K.)

Plushing:

Look out! Theyíre back!

(Elbow crawling towards the well for cover)

Watch for charlies in the trees!

Port:

Plushing! Plushing, wait! That was me! I was collapsing some rocks over the hole in the wall to block it up.

Plushing:

(Standing up and brushing himself off)

Oh. Well. Yes. Very good. Now what? Do you think weíre ready to handle an attack from Jerricho and the dragonmen.

Port:

Oh, you mean Jerry and Jerryís Kids? I think so. The only thing we really have to worry about is that dragon, Ringo. I mean he is, after all, the son of the evil dragon Yohko.

Backstage dragonmen and techies:

Oh no!

Port:

(Looking all around at the sound)

Just when I thought we were through with that.

Plushing:

Where are Gareth, Crash, and Keepa? Weíre going to need them to help us defend the gate when the bad guys get here.

Port:

Oh, they went to go get some more weapons. They should be back soon. Címon Plushing, letsí get the boiling pitch ready. The dragonmen will be here anytime now.

Blaze:

(From her position in the shop in Section A.)

Hey, wait a minute! What should I do?

Port:

You just keep selling. Maybe weíll get rid of those Tickle-me-Plushings we bought last year.

(Glares at Plushing.)

Plushing:

What? They were the hot item. Itís not my fault they got the tights wrong.

Blaze:

Man, I never get to do anything.

(Resumes selling of banners, etc...)

(Plushing and Port moves towards the ladder in section C. As they get near, a boom sounds from the gate.)

Plushing:

Itís them! Itís Jerricho and the dragonmen. They must have a battering ram.

Port:

Is that you Jerry? I hear ya knocking, but ya canít come in!

Jerricho:

(From backstage)

The name is Jerricho, you stupid human! Surrender and you wonít be harmed.

(The dragonmen backstage erupt into laughter that is quickly shushed.)

Plushing:

Iíll go up and see how many of them there are.

(Climbs ladder to Section K.)

 

Port:

Right. Iíll take the stairs. (Moves towards Section E.) Weíll never give up, Jerry. You canít take us aliv...

(Stopped in Section D and silenced by the explosion near the tree)

 

(Explosion by the front tree in Section E. [Flame Spout])

Port:

(Stopping and shaking his head)

All right, the ladder it is.

(Moves towards the ladder in Section C.)

(He stops again in Section D-Center Stage when an explosion by the well sends him reeling backwards)

(Explosion by the well in Section C. [Flame Spout])

(Port stops and shakes his head again)

Port:

Oh great. Now you woke up the well monster.

(Well monster tentacles rise up and writhe around)

(Port then stands there tapping his foot. He pauses, then whips his head around towards Section E where an explosion occurs)

(Explosion by the back tree in Section E. [Flame Spout])

Port:

(Looking miffed and sitting on the ground, sulking)

All right, fine! If thatís the way you want to be.

Plushing:

Uh, if youíre through playing around down there, I think you might want to know thereís a hoard of dragonmen outside trying to batter down the gate.

(Sound of drums beating from behind the wall)

(Dragonmen begin bashing gate and making noise)

Plushing:

See?

Port:

Ah, Iím not really worried about it, you see? All we have to do is wait for help to get here. I sealed up all the ways they got in last time. Theyíll never get through.

(Ropes fly over the tops of the walls in Section J and Section L.)

(Heave climbs down from the tower in Section L.)

(Hork climbs over the wall in Section J.)

(Snap climbs over the wall in Section I.)

(Chomp flies in to Section K.

{High to High Zip Line})

 

(Snaarf flies in from Section A and gets slashed by Port and falls to the ground in Section E. Snaarf recovers and moves up the stairs towards Section H.

{Low to High Zip Line})

 

Port:

Iíll go to the scout tower and call for help.

(Port dashes towards Section G, but Retch climbs over the wall in Section G on the scout tower and forestalls him.)

(Port stands in Section E, directly in front of the tree.)

Snap:

Donít just stand there, ya iguanas! Capture them!

(Chomp and Heave draw steel and begin to stalk Plushing on the wall in Section K.)

(Snap moves to the stairs in Section H and descends)

(Snaarf and Hork grab ropes and swing in to capture Port, but end up colliding as Port dives out of the way into Section D.

{Rope Crash from Tree})

(Fighting begins in Section K as Plushing holds off Chomp and Heave.)

(Retch descends the ladder from the scout tower and dashes after Port, only to collide with the freshly arisen Hork and Snaarf and cause a tremendous pile-up of bodies as they all crash into Snap, who has descended the stairs.)

(Port laughs a moment before the dragonmen all stop struggling to stare at him menacingly)

Port:

Whoops!

(Port dashes to Section B and retrieves his halberd from the weapons rack)

(Hork, Retch, Snaarf, and Snap recover and begin to stalk Port)

(Plushing disables Chomp momentarily and fights his way down the slide pole from Heave)

(Port is attacked by the four dragonmen and fights back, holding them at bay with his halberd. The fight ranges from Section C to Section D.)

Blaze:

(From the shop in Section A.)

Hey, you guys need me to help with anything?

Plushing and Port:

No! Keep selling!

Blaze:

Man, I never get to have any fun.

(Resumes selling banners)

(Plushing makes it to the bottom of the ladder and moves in to help Port against the four dragonmen in Section D.)

(Plushing continuously gets hit by Portís halberd as they fight.)

(Port nails Plushing once good and Plushing collapses to the ground in Section C. Snap ties him up.)

(Eventually Port loses his halberd and gets pounced on by Hork, Retch, and Snaarf.)

Port:

(Poking his head out from under the bodies)

King Rodney! King Rodney!

(Sound of drums ceases)

(Port is tied up and forced to sit next to Plushing at the front of the well in Section C.)

Snaarf:

We got Ďem, Master Jerricho.

Jerricho:

(From behind wall.)

Good. Now someone help me up.

(Chomp moves over to assist Jerricho up one of the ropes. She pulls, but is unable to lift him.)

Jerricho:

Uh, nice try, Chomp, but I need someone with much more muscle. Get Heave, my strongest dragonman!

Chomp:

(To Heave)

The big guy wants ya.

Heave:

(Moving to the rope)

Right. Are you ready, master?

(Yanks the rope)

Jerricho:

Hold one secoooond.

(Flies up to grab hold of the top of the wall.)

Heave, get away before I kill you.

(Holds up smoking or flaming hand.)

(Smoking or flaming hand)

Heave:

(Raising hands and backing away)

Hey, you donít have to tell me twice.

(To Chomp)

Feeliní kind of surly today isnít he?

Chomp:

Some Scotsman mistook him for a sheep this morning.

 

Heave:

Oh, say no more.

Jerricho:

(Standing in Section J)

Bring those two humans forward.

(Snaarf and Snap bring Plushing and Port over to Section D.)

Port:

Well, if it isnít Jerry and Jerryís Kids.

Plushing:

(To Port)

Thatís my favorite one.

(Snaarf and Snap slap both of them in the back of the head, and Plushing and Port glare at them.)

Jerricho:

The name is Jerricho! Jerricho! J-e-r-r-i-Öcho! You got it?!?

Port:

Right, Jerry it is.

Jerricho:

Aaaah! I know whatíll change your mind. Snaarf?

(Signals Snaarf to hold Port next to the well.)

(Snaarf move Port by the well where the well monster begins to move around, itís tentacles getting closer to Snaarf and Port.)

(Sound of Monster growling)

Snaarf:

Master, is this really such a good idea?

(The well monster tentacle wraps around Snaarf and Port as he says "idea" causing the word to be yelped out. The tentacle traps both of them against the well, and the both begin flailing and gasping.)

(Sound of Monster growling)

Jerricho:

There! Looks like the well monster is feeling hungry today. Now are you ever going to call me Jerry again?

Port and Snaarf:

No!

Jerricho:

What do you call me from here on out?

Port and Snaarf:

Master Sorcerer Jerricho, sir!

Jerricho:

Thatís better. Snap, pull them free and lock them in the tower.

(Snap beats the tentacle off Snaarf and Port)

(Sound of Monster yelping)

(Snap and Snaarf haul Plushing and Port towards the tower in Section E.)

Plushing:

Youíll never get away with this. Gareth and the others will be back with and army to wipe you all out!

Port:

(To Plushing)

What army?

Plushing:

Shhh!

Jerricho:

(After Plushing and Port are locked away)

Now that thatís done, letís have some fun. Come, my dragonmen, letís loot the village!

(Heave descends the slide pole to Section C.)

Dragonmen:

(Shouting for a moment then beginning to chant.)

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

(Jerricho glares at them)

ErÖUhÖJerricho! Jerricho! Jerricho!

(Dragonmen disperse to loot the stage area.)

(Jerricho moves down the stairs in Section E and inside the tower.)

(Heave and Snap move towards the front of Section E.)

Heave:

All right, Iíve been looking forward to taking care of some business in this place.

Snap:

Like what?

Heave:

Like finding someone around here that can possibly stand up to my incredible strength, my pulsating pecs, my quivering quads, my vibratingÖ

Snap:

Hey, hey, hey, we get the picture. It shouldnít be too hard to find someone to match up.

(Yawns)

I think Iím going to take a little nap here.

(Sits down, leaning against the tree in Section E.)

Heave:

Snap, youíre getting to be lazy.

Snap:

Yeah, yeah, whatevÖ. (Snores)

Heave:

(Looks at her and shakes his head)

Oh well. Maybe Iíll see something over here.

(Heads towards scout tower.)

(Retch and Chomp move to the tower in section H.)

Retch:

Man, how do I always get stuck with guard duty?

Chomp:

Itís because youíre a suck up, and thatís what you deserve.

(Looking in the tower, throwing trash over the wall)

Thereís gotta be something to eat around here.

Retch:

Well, itís not as if these humans are going to get free or anything. Actually, I think the one in the tights liked being tied up.

Chomp:

(Raising her head back up from behind the tower wall

with some type of food hanging out of her mouth)

Yeah, I....

(Spits the food out) Ugh! Where do they get this stuff? Who can eat this garbage?!

Retch:

What is it?

Chomp:

The label on the jar says haggis.

Retch:

Haggis? Whatís that?

Chomp:

I donít know but itís disgusting.

(Hands the jar to Retch)

Here, hold this. We might need to tar the roof or something.

(Snaarf and Hork move from Section D towards Section B.)

Hork:

Hey Snaarf, letís go and have us some fun with some of the ladies in the village.

(As Hork walks by the well, the tentacle reaches out and grabs him, pinning him to the side of the well. Snaarf keeps walking.)

(Sound of monster growling)

Snaarf:

Why, are you hungry or something? I heard they taste good with ketchup.

(Notices Hork is not with him)

Hork?

(Spots Hork being attacked by the well monster)

Hork! Man, Jerrichoís gonna fry you if he finds out your playing with the monster instead of pillaging and looting.

(Snaarf walks over and smacks the tentacle, causing it to release Hork and begin to descend into the well.)

Snaarf:

Let go of him. Heís got work to do.

(Water stream from the well hits Snaarf in the face)

(Water Stream)

(Sound of monster spitting)

(Snaarf makes another lunge at the tentacle that zips out of the way and into the well)

(Sound of monster yelping)

Snaarf:

(Grabs Hork and pulls him to his feet.)

Get up Hork. Letís go find out what this shop has in it.

(The two dragonmen walk to the edge of the shop in Section A.)

Hork:

(To Blaze)

Hey there girl, what do you have that we can steal in there?

(Hork taps Snaarf and smiles at his own creativity. Snaarf just glares at him)

Blaze:

(Turning from selling inventory)

Excuse me, Scaly, but can't you tell I'm busy here? No go away and tell your mama you need more noxema.

(Turns back to the audience)

Banners! Get your banners right here!

Hork:

(Drawing his sword)

Oh, I'm gonna kill her.

Snaarf:

(Forestalling Hork)

Hold it a second. I wanna try something.

(To Blaze) Hey girl, you ready to surrender yet?

(Steps clear of Hork with a delighted grin)

Blaze:

(Very irritatedly)

The name's Blaze, T-Rex, and I said go away!

(Hurls a pan or the like at Hork, clanging him on the head)

(Hork staggers around, holding on to his head while Snaarf laughs)

Snaarf:

C'mon, let's go this way before she kills you.

(Grabs Hork and leads him into Section C. The two begin to huddle near the well.)

Blaze:

Man, I hope help gets here soon.

(Enter Keepa, Crash, and Gareth moving down the center of the crowd)

Blaze:

I've gotta be more careful what I wish for.

(Keepa, Crash, and Gareth move to Section A by the shop)

Keepa:

Would you stop being so loud, Crash? People can hear you a mile away!

Crash:

That's fine. A hero of my stature should not have to hide from these dragonmen anyway.

(Tries to walk up the platform to Section B.)

Gareth:

(Yanking him back down to the lower level)

Get back here, hero. You're going to get us all killed if you go up there.

(Keepa, Crash, and Gareth move around the shop to Section A, in front of the Tower.)

Blaze:

Gareth, where have you three been? Plushing and Port have been captured and locked in the tower.

Gareth:

Well, we'll just have to rescue them, now won't we?

Blaze:

All right! Can I come along and help?

Gareth, Keepa, and Crash:

No!

Gareth:

You just keep selling.

Blaze:

Man, I never get to have any fun.

(A loud explosion from inside the well causes Hork and Snaarf to fall over backward and Keepa and Crash to start running back and forth, bouncing off each other.)

(Loud explosion from inside well in Section C. [Smoke and Report])

(Gareth eventually grabs Keepa and Crash by the collars while the two of them fight against unseen opponents)

Snap:

Hey, keep it down, will ya? I'm trying to sleep here. (Nods back off)

Gareth:

(Shaking his head sadly)

We're never going to get Port and Plushing free.

Jerricho:

(Emerging from the Tower in Section E.)

What was that explosion?

(At the sound of Jerricho's voice, Keepa and Crash stops struggling and the three of them hide behind the tower in Section A.)

Snaarf:

Sorry about that master Jerricho. We were just trying to kill this well monster.

Jerricho:

Well stop it, you're interrupting my thoughts. You know how long it takes me to get them going again.

Snaarf and Hork:

(Both saluting)

Yes, master!

(Jerricho exits to the tower)

Retch and Chomp:

(To Hork and Snaarf, making faces)

You got in trouble. You got in trouble.

Snaarf:

Get back to guarding the prisoners, suck-ups!

Gareth:

We're going to need to get up high to hear what they're saying.

Keepa:

Step aside, boys. It's Keepa Mout to the duty.

(Keepa sneaks forward to the tree in section B.)

Gareth:

Be careful, Keepa.

Hork:

(Peering into the well)

I wonder if we got him.

Snaarf:

I hope so. That thing's almost as nasty as the incredible chicken headed monster.

Hork:

(Clapping a hand over Snaarf's mouth)

Shhh. Don't say that!

Snaarf:

(Mumbled through Hork's hand)

Say what?

Hork:

You can't ever say its name. When you say its name, it'll show up and eat your pinkie fingers!

Snaarf:

(Removing Hork's hand)

What? Who believes in an incredible chicken headed monst...

(Hork claps his hand over Snaarf's mouth again.)

Hork:

Shhh. Don't say it.

Snaarf:

(Removing Hork's hand.)

Monster.

(Hork covers his head, looking around anxiously)

Snaarf:

C'mon man, we need to see if this well monster is dead.

(Hork and Snaarf resume looking in the well in Section C.)

(Keepa scampers back to Section A.)

Gareth:

Well, did you hear anything?

(Keepa leans over and whispers into Gareth's ear.)

Gareth:

(Looking surprised)

Really? That gives me an idea.

(To Keepa) What I need you to do is...

(Gareth leans over and whispers in Keepa's ear, making emphatic gestures as if directing. Crash grows increasingly excited as he watches, hopping up and down)

(Keepa nods her head and approaches the shop where Blaze hits her repeatedly with a banner as she rummages around)

Blaze:

Get outta that! I'm going to call store security on you.

Crash:

(To Gareth)

Ooh ooh. What do you need me to do?

Gareth:

Uh.... Why don't you.... guard our backs! Yeah, that's it.

(Grabs Crash and moves him to the back part of the tower)

You stand right here and watch out for bad guys.

Crash:

You got it!

(Tries to draw his sword) Bring on the slimy lizards.

Gareth:

You about ready, Keepa?

(Keepa gives thumbs up from the shop)

Gareth:

All right, I'm off.

(Gareth sneaks across the wall in Section B to hide behind the pole by the ladder in Section C. He waves to Keepa to signal her to start)

(Keepa stumbles forward up the ramp to Section C, her shirt raised up and a rubber chicken put where her head would be, moaning and growling like a monster.)

(Hork turns and sees Keepa approaching and his face is panic-stricken. He reaches out and taps Snaarf on the shoulder insistently)

Snaarf:

(Pulling his head out of the well)

What? Can't you see I'm...

(Sees Keepa) It's the incredible chicken-headed monst..

(Hork claps his hand over Snaarf's mouth and Snaarf pulls it off) What? He's already here!

(The two dragonmen look at each other and then start to scream back and forth until Gareth arrives and smashes their heads together dropping them right by the well)

Gareth:

Good job, Keepa.

Crash:

(Dashing in from Section A.)

Did you guys hear that...

(Sees Keepa and stops cold, screaming before dashing into the wall and collapsing to the ground in a heap, bringing the weapons falling down on him)

Keepa:

What happened?

Gareth:

(Grabbing Crash and pulling him towards the well.)

You don't want to know.

Heave:

(To Retch and Chomp on the tower.)

Did you guys hear something?

(Gareth and Keepa hear Gnorg and quickly drop behind the well. Keepa's rubber chicken head pokes out from above the well wall.)

Retch:

Nope. Where did you hear it?

Heave:

From back over by the well.

Retch:

(Peering over the wall towards the well)

I don't see anything, how 'bout you, Chomp?

 

Chomp:

(Peering at the well, then spitting out a mouthful of food)

Yeah, chicken!

(Chomp grabs a bow and runs down the stairs of the well to get to the well in Section C. Gareth starts smacking Keepa on her chicken head in disgust)

Heave:

(To Retch)

She never thinks of anything but her stomach.

Retch:

I heard it's the fastest way to a dragonwoman's heart.

(Retch and Heave resume looking over the wall.)

Chomp:

(Stalking slowly towards the well, and arrow drawn in her bow.)

Here, chick chick chick. I feel like chicken tonight.

Keepa:

(Jumping in the air and causing the rubber chicken to fly towards Chomp)

Ow!

(Chomp screams and ducks out of the way of the way of the chicken, losing her bow in the process)

Keepa:

(Glaring at Gareth behind him)

Stop poking me with that sword.

Gareth:

(Poking his head over the edge of the well)

Well, watch where you're crawling then!

Chomp:

(Spotting Gareth and Keepa)

Hey! You two! Stop right there.

(Chomp scrambles to recover her bow.)

(Gareth ducks back below the well wall.)

Snap:

(Waking up at the noise)

Stop making all that racket! I'm trying to...

(Sees the rubber chicken) Hey, chicken!

(Picks it up and begins to gnaw on it)

Chomp:

Dragonmen! I've found the other humans! Let's get 'em!

(Keepa sees Chomp pointing an arrow at her and ducks behind the well. Gareth gives a yelp and pops up, seeing Chomp aiming an arrow at him and ducks back behind the well.)

(Gareth and Keepa begin crawling away through Section B towards the tower there.)

 

(Retch and Heave hear Chomp's shouts and descend to the ground, moving towards her in Section E.)

(Chomp stalks up to the well and then sees Gareth and Keepa nearing the tower)

Chomp:

(Raising bow to aim at them)

Aha!

(The sound of Chomp's voice wakes Crash who jumps into the air, causing Chomp to misfire the bow.)

(Crash sees Chomp and panics. He tries to draw his sword, but starts spinning around in circles in the attempt, crashing into Chomp and sending them both to the ground in a heap beside the well.)

Chomp:

Get off me, you meatball hero.

(Looks up in the air as if dreaming.) Hey, that sounds kind of good right now.

(Crash begins to crawl towards the tower in Section A on his hands and knees.)

(Heave and Retch arrive beside Snap in Section E.)

Heave:

(To Snap)

Hey, where did the humans go?

Snap:

(Still gnawing on the rubber chicken and pointing towards the well)

Over that way somewhere.

Retch:

(Moving with Heave towards the well)

Aren't you coming?

Snap:

No, I like a nap after a good meal.

(Drops back off to sleep)

(Retch and Heave arrive in Section C by Chomp.)

Heave:

(To Chomp)

Hey, where'd they go?

Chomp:

(Coming out of daydream)

Huh? Oh, uh, I think they went that way.

Retch:

C'mon, they're probably on the other side of the wall by now.

(Retch, Heave, and Chomp move up the ladder in Section E and scatter to various points on the wall, peering over the edge.)

(Retch moves to Section J. Chomp moves to Section H. Heave moves to Section L.)

 

(From the tower in Section B, Keepa creeps out to the front of Section C. She then stops and waves in Gareth and Crash.)

(Gareth and Crash attempt to sneak across Section B. Crash's armor clanks at every step and Keepa waves her arms, forcing them to stop. She then mimics how to sneak quietly and encourages them to do the same.)

(Gareth and Crash mimic Keepa's movements in place until Keepa seems satisfied, then begin to sneak across again, with Crash's armor making the same amount of noise.)

(Gareth gets irritated and slaps Crash in the back of the helmet. Crash turns and the two of them engage in a scuffle with whispered words, making a tremendous amount of noise.)

Heave:

Aha! I found 'em!

(Crash, Gareth, and Keepa hear Heave's words and then turn around slowly, their hands in the air.)

Retch:

No, you didn't. Those are just a herd of badgers.

Heave:

Oh, you're right. Sorry.

(Crash, Gareth, and Keepa realize the dragonmen are still peering over the wall and start to sneak across Section F.)

(As they near Section E, Crash trips and collapses to the ground in a clatter, waking Snap from her sleep.)

Snap:

(Looking at Crash bleary-eyed)

Hey, what's going on?

(Gareth, crouching down behind Snap begins the first line of "Good Night Sweetheart". Crash picks up the second line as the other two sing the harmony. Snap smiles for a minute, then falls asleep again.)

(Crash manages to get up without further incident and the three defenders disappear behind the tower in Section E.)

(They reappear, backing away with their hands upraised from the tower into Section D, pursued by Jerricho.)

Jerricho:

Now, what exactly were you three planning on doing?

(Gareth, Keepa, and Crash begin all babbling at once in response.)

Jerricho:

Silence! I would kill you myself, but I have troops to train. So arise, my dragonmen!

(No response from the dragonmen.) Arise my dragonmen!!

(No response)

I said arise!!!! (Raise arms in the air)

(Explosions from the front tree in Section E, the tower in Section M, and the wall in Section K. [Flame and Report in Section K] [Flame Spout in Sections E and M])

 

(Hork, Snaarf, and Snap wake up and stand up. Heave, Retch, and Chomp jump on the back wall and cluster around the edge, watching the courtyard.)

Jerricho:

There, that's better. Now, if you're ready to meet your maker gentlemen, boys, lets...

(Enter Plushing and Port from the tower in Section E, laughing and moving to the front of the tree.)

Port:

Now, tell me again Plushing, how did you manage to get the shackles off?

Plushing:

Oh, it's easy, I have a pair just like them on my bedside table.

(Port and Plushing become aware of the massed dragonmen on stage and then drop into fighting crouches)

Gareth:

(To Plushing and Port)

Nice to see you guys. Bring any weapons?

Port:

Nope. How 'bout you?

Gareth:

(Drawing sword)

Just this one and whatever Crash has on him.

Crash:

(Trying unsuccessfully to draw sword)

I'll get it... Hold on a minute...

Jerricho:

Looks like it's all over for you Hawkwoodians. Boys, let's....

Agwe:

(From Section G.)

Stop!

(Explosion from scout tower in Section G. [Flame and Report])

Keepa:

It's Agwe the wizard!

Jerricho:

Oh, come on! Can't you see I'm trying to kill some humans here?

(The dragonmen all bow to Agwe)

Agwe:

As long as I'm in this forest Jerricho, it is under my protection and that means I can't have it being burned to the ground. Especially not by anyone who want to stop me from romancing Oberon's daughter out from under his nose.

 

Jerricho:

(To dragonmen)

Who are you bowing to? Get up, you idiots.

(To Agwe) I'm not going to let some Moorish witch stop me from taking this forest.

(Walks forward to the front of Section G.)

Agwe:

(Walking forward to meet Jerricho)

I'm not a witch, you silly magical goat. You just don't understand at all, do you? Looks like I'll have to talk to you on your own terms.

(Pulls out a set of horns and places them on his head.) There, now wool ya please stop horning in on my a-a-a-action?

Jerricho:

(Raises arms as if to cast a terrible spell.) Oh, now you've done it. You've insulted the 'do. Now I'm going to have to destroy you.

Agwe:

If that's the way you want it.

(Raises arms to cast spell as well.)

(All characters on stage duck and hide to avoid the spells they know are coming.)

Jerricho:

(Dropping arms)

Hold on a moment.

Agwe:

(Dropping arms)

What?

Jerricho:

We can't do this. We would destroy the forest anyway if we fought. Besides, I may want to capture and enslave the forest, but I don't want to destroy it.

Agwe:

Oh, well I don't really care about these people anyway, just Oberon's daughter.

Gareth:

(To Crash)

I knew I didn't like that guy.

Agwe:

What say we let these fighters decide it for us?

Jerricho:

Well that should be easy. These humans will never win. My dragonmen are too strong.

Agwe:

Ha! They're just incompetent lizards, while these humans are.... hairy. They'll conquer your dragonmen with ease.

Jerricho:

You think so? Let's find out.

Agwe:

All right.

(Agwe and Jerricho turn to face the cluster of warriors, side by side.)

Jerricho:

Dragonmen attack!

(Sound of fighting music)

(The dragonmen all yell a war cry and attack the defenders in Section D.)

(Gareth pushes his way by Snaarf and makes for the weapons rack.)

(Port moves toward the ladder in Section C and catches the sword Gareth throws to him. He deflects a strike from Heave and fights his way to the top to engage him and Retch.)

(Crash engages Snaarf in Section D.)

(Snap attacks Keepa in Section C and moves her around to Section D.)

(Hork pursues Gareth who manages to deflect a blow or two from him and toss Plushing a sword.)

Gareth:

Plushing, take out that one on the tower!

(Plushing takes the sword and moves to engage Chomp on the tower stairs)

(Gareth engages Hork at the edge of Section D/E/F.)

(Port has managed to evade both Retch and Heave and make it to the top of the tower in Section M.)

(Chomp has made it to the top of the tower in Section H and reversed places with Plushing.)

Agwe:

Hold on a minute, that one in the bad tights knows Oberon's daughter. I can't have him killed. I think I'll help out a bit.

(Agwe points towards the tower and causes an explosion that sends Plushing reeling backwards and Chomp off into the crash pad.

{12' High Fall})

(Hand Flash)

(Explosion on the platform in Section H [Flame and Report])

(All fighting stops as the combatants look at Agwe and Jerricho)

(Sound of fighting music ceases)

Jerricho:

Hey, I thought we were going to let them fight it out and see who the winner was. Now I'm down a person.

Agwe:

Hmm. You're right, Jerricho. I can remedy that, though. You! On the tower!

(Points towards Port)

Port:

Oh, no. Have I mentioned how tight Oberon's daughter is?

Crash:

Oh, that was the wrong thing to say.

Port:

Wait a minute! I meant how tight I am with her!

(Agwe causes an explosion on the tower that sends Port crashing into the shop in Section A.

{20' High Fall into Shop})

(Hand Flash)

(Explosion on the tower in Section M [Flame and Report])

Blaze:

Hey, I just cleaned this place up!

(Blaze begins reassembling the shop.)

Agwe:

There, that should even things up again.

Gareth:

Even things up? There's still 3 more of them than there are of us.

Agwe:

You're right of course. Should I try again?

Defenders and Dragonmen:

(Holding up hands)

No, no, no.

Gareth:

Crash! Go and help Port, I'll hold these guys off as long as I can.

Crash:

I'm on it!

(Sound of new fighting music)

(Crash ducks a sword stroke from Snaarf and ducks behind Gareth. Snaarf joins Hork in attacking Gareth while Crash goes for the shop in Section A to retrieve Port)

(Plushing moves over to attack Heave in Section K.)

(Retch descends and assists Snap in attacking Keepa in Section B.)

(Keepa sees the double team and dashes away to Section G, closely followed by Snap.)

(Crash pulls Port out of the shop and they moves to the front of Section C.)

(Retch moves over and attacks Gareth and Hork moves to Section L to assist Gnorg with Plushing.)

 

Gareth:

(To Crash and Port)

You guys want to give me a hand?

(Crash moves in to attack Snaarf with Gareth in Section B/C and Port attacks Retch in Section D.)

Agwe:

Well, it doesn't look good for your guys now, does it?

Jerricho:

Ah, but you see, I haven't brought in my secret weapon yet! Watch this!

(Raises hands towards the back wall) Summonus da Bigdogus!

(Wall of fire in Section J. Explosions in 3 places along the back wall in Section J by the dragon. [Flame Spout])

(Sound of long dragon roar)

(Ringo rises from behind Section J, roaring and waving his head around and buffeting his wings. All combat stops with Gareth and Crash beside Port and Retch with Snaarf behind them in Section D.)

Gnorg:

(To Ringo)

Ringo! Help us out! Fry those humans down there.

(Ringo roars again and flames towards Section D.)

(Sound of short dragon roar)

(Dragon fire)

(Retch bursts into flame and dashes, screaming, towards the exit in Section C.

{Arm burn from dragon fire})

All Dragonmen:

(Together)

Ringo!

Ringo:

What?

Hork:

You torched one of us!

Ringo:

Sorry. I'll do better this time.

(Ringo turns his head towards Section D again. Gareth and Crash step far away from Port.)

Port:

(Seeing his companions leave)

Oh, no! Oh no!

(Ringo roars again and flames towards Section D.)

(Sound of short dragon roar)

(Dragon fire)

(Port bursts into flame and dashes, screaming towards the exit in Section C.

{Butt burn from dragon fire})

Jerricho:

Ringo!

Ringo:

(Swinging his head up towards Section G.)

Yes?

Jerricho:

Did you ever hear me say Summonus da Dragonus? No, you didn't, I said Summonus da Bigdogus. That's not you, is it?

Ringo:

No, but I thought...

Jerricho:

(Raising his hand to forestall him)

Ah, ah! Now hold on a one minute and we'll try it again.

(Jerricho moves over to Chomp's body, waving his hands over her.)

Jerricho:

C'mon, Chomp. It's time to play.

(Chomp rises from the ground and moves towards Section E.)

Jerricho:

Now, once more from the top. Summonus da Bigdogus!

(Smoke issues from the tower in Section E and Snort appears, running around and spinning like a Tasmanian devil.)

(Smoke from the Tower)

(Snort comes to a stop in the center of Section D between Gareth and Crash, slobbering and grunting.)

Jerricho:

Oh, now you're in for it. Behold, my secret weapon, Snort!

(Gareth and Crash begin laughing)

Crash:

What? You're kidding me. This little guy is a secret weapon?

Jerricho:

(Reacting with trepidation)

Hey, watch what you say around him or he'll go berserk and destroy us all.

Crash:

There's no way. He's only this tall,

(Holds his hand in front of Snort at head height)

My grandmother could take him.

(Snort gives a growl and bites Crash's arm, latching on tight while Crash thrashes around in pain.)

(Fighting resumes between Plushing and Heave and Hork in Section M.)

(Gareth and Chomp and Snaarf resume fighting in Section D while Crash deals with Snort.)

Jerricho:

They never listen to me. I keep telling 'em, but they never listen.

Agwe:

It's probably something to do with the ears. You might want to pay attention to your warriors on the wall over there. They're about to kill Plushing.

(Plushing is trapped between Hork and Heave in Section M near the tower. Plushing knocks Hork backward and turns his attention to Heave. While Plushing attacks Heave, Hork finds the yardarm and grabs the rope intent on swinging into Plushing. Plushing hears Hork's war cry, though and sidesteps out of the way, causing Hork to kick Heave off the platform in and into the shop in Section A.)

{Yardarm Swing}

{15' Fall into Shop})

(Hork continues to swing around on the yardarm)

(Snort has disengaged Crash and he and Chomp fight Gareth while Snaarf fights Crash.)

Hork:

I'm sorry about that, Heave. It won't happen again.

(As Hork comes back around again, he turns his head and notices Plushing standing next to him. Plushing punches him off the rope and Hork comes to the ground in Section B.

{Yardarm Dismount})

Blaze:

All right, that's it.

(Pulls out a sword from the remains of her shop.)

I'm not taking any more of this.

(Stomps up into Section B.)

Where's a dragonman, huh?

(Blaze spots Hork who charges at her. She kills him with a belly swipe and grabs him, throwing him into the well in Section C.)

(Sound of well monster eating)

(Sound of well monster belching)

(Bubbles from well)

(The well monster tentacle emerges from the well and gives her a high five and then pulls the cord on the "Now Serving" sign to change the number to 2)

Blaze:

(Pointing at Snort on the other side of the well)

You!

Snort:

(Seeing Blaze)

Bring it on.

(Blaze charges over to the middle of Section D to engage Snort)

(Snaarf and Crash move to Section C)

(Gareth and Chomp move to Section E.)

(Keepa climbs the ladder to the scout tower in Section G with Snap in pursuit.)

(As Blaze and Snort fight each other, the other cast members on stage notice and stop fighting to turn and say "Awwww.")

(Blaze and Snort turn and threaten each them with their weapons and the all turn back away, saying, "Hey, hey, hey.")

(The fighting resumes in Section C, D, E)

Jerricho:

(To Agwe)

Look out behind you!

(As Snap reaches the correct position on the ladder, Keepa grabs a pike from the scout tower and pushes the ladder over.)

{Ladder Fall}

(Keepa jumps down from the tower and sits on the ladder, pinning Snap to the ground.)

Keepa:

Got this one!

(Gareth disarms Chomp and grabs her, heading her towards the well. At the same time, Blaze does the same thing with Snort.)

Chomp and Snort:

Help, master!

(Gareth and Blaze release the dragonmen and stand there wiping their hands.)

(Chomp and Snort approach the well and prepare to fall over the edge, but both stop at the edge as Snort spots the "Now Serving" sign.)

Snort:

(Reaching into his pouch to pull out

a piece of paper with the number 3 on it)

Hold it a second. What number are you?

Chomp:

(Pulling out a similar piece of paper)

Uh, number 2.

Snort:

(Gesturing for Chomp to enter the well.)

Then you're next.

Chomp:

Right.

 

(Chomp dives into the well.)

({Well Fall})

(Sound of well monster eating)

(Sound of well monster belching)

(Bubbles from well.)

(The well monster tentacle emerges from the well and pulls the cord to the "Now Serving" sign to read "3")

Snort:

(Seeing the new number and comparing it to his)

That's me. (Dives into well.)

{Well Fall})

(Gareth, Blaze, and Crash all turn slowly towards Snaarf and advance towards him.)

Snaarf:

(Backing away from the 3 defenders)

Uh, Master? Master? Things aren't looking too good!

Jerricho:

Snaarf?

(Waits for Snaarf to look then point up towards the dragon.)

(The defenders look up and see Ringo, who lowers his head and growls)

(Sound of dragon growling)

(The defenders back away slowly.)

(Snaarf takes off running towards up the stairs followed by Crash)

Gareth:

Plushing, get over there and kill that dragon.

Plushing:

What? Me? You get over here and kill him.

Gareth:

Don't be silly, you're closer. Now get over there.

(Plushing moves in to attack Ringo, who moves his head and growls again, forcing him to back away.)

(Sound of dragon growling)

(Ringo turns his head back and breathes fire towards Gareth and Blaze who stand by the tree in Section E. They dive out of the way in time to avoid the explosion.)

(Dragon Flame)

(Explosion by the tree in Section E. [Flame and Report])

(Snaarf reaches Section J with Crash in pursuit. Snaarf yelling for help from Ringo. Snaarf ducks low, under the dragon just in time to avoid the claw swipe that smashes into Crash, sending him back against the tree in Section I.)

 

(Plushing makes another attempt to move in on the dragon, but again gets rebuffed by a look and a growl)

(Sound of dragon growling)

Gareth:

We've got to find some way to kill this thing.

Blaze:

Don't look at me. I'm just a snack here.

(Plushing sneaks up to the dragon and begins whispering in his ear, unbeknownst to the people onstage.)

Jerricho:

(Moving into Section D.)

That's right, no one is strong enough to defeat Ringo. You're all going to die.

(To Ringo) Ringo! Destroy these two humans!

Ringo:

No.

All:

No!?!

Ringo:

No. I like the man in the funny tights. He says not to hurt them.

Snaarf:

(Under Ringo's neck)

I kind of like him, too.

Jerricho:

(Throwing a fit onstage)

Oh, I don't believe this! Everything's going wrong. None of my guys could kill anyone.

(Starts sobbing)

That's it, I'm a terrible sorcerer.

Blaze:

(Walking up and taking Jerricho's hand and leading him offstage)

That's all right, we understand. I'm sure you'll kill us all next time.

(Blaze leads Jerricho offstage by the tower in Section E.)

(Keepa moves from Section G to Section D next to Gareth)

Gareth:

That was amazing Plushing, what did you tell the dragon to so that he wouldn't eat us?

Plushing:

Oh, I just reminded him of a little relationship I had with his mother, Yohko.

All Offstage personnel:

Oh no!

Keepa:

Yeah, I can see the resemblance from here.

(Plushing and Ringo both strike the same pose with mouths open and head tilted sideways)

Agwe:

Well, it looks like you've quite a (cough) mouth there to feed there, Lord Plushing. That's what you get when you sow your oats in the animal kingdom.

Plushing:

True, very true. The only question left is how am I going to keep this little guy fed?

Gareth:

Now that's going to require a lot of money!

(Gareth, Keepa, Agwe, and Plushing all turn slowly towards the crowd and break into grins)

Gareth:

Don't worry Plushing, we'll take care of that, you keep on with that parental bonding.

(Gareth and Keepa move to the back of the crowd to collect tips.)

Plushing:

(To audience)

Have no fear, good people of Hawkwood. Ringo the dragon is perfectly harmless and there should be no further problem with the evil Sorcerer Jerricho and his vile dragonmen. Thank you for your bravery in coming to watch the defense of the Old Gate and please do not forget to take home a commemorative item purchased from the remains of our shop. Now, I'd like to...

Agwe:

Hold on there a minute Plushing. I doubt that Gareth and Keepa can collect enough money to keep a dragon of Ringo's size fed properly. I'll wager that some of these children here in the crowd would make quite a fattening meal.

Ringo:

Yeah, I like children.

Agwe:

All right Ringo, dinner is served!

(Ringo rears his head in the air, roaring and spouting flame.)

(Sound of Dragon Roaring)

(Dragon Flame)

Plushing:

Wait, wait, wait Ringo! Stop that! You don't want to eat these children.

Snaarf:

Why not? They look plump enough to me.

Ringo:

Snaarf's right.

(Sniffs the air) They even smell good!

 

Plushing:

Well, as much as it pains me to admit it, I wasn't exactly a monk in my youth and may have made one or two (cough) indiscretions in the past and, well, some of these children may be your brothers or sisters.

Ringo:

(Swings head back and forth, surveying the crowd before answering)

Now I'm too confused to be hungry.

Agwe:

Now everyone, while Ringo is confused, take advantage of this opportunity and make your exit. Thank you for attending the Dragon Attack Stunt Show and may you, and your children, enjoy the rest of the day at Hawkwood in safety.



The End




Part One, The Agony


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