2004 Dragon Attack Stunt Show - Oklahoma Renaissance Faire

Written by Craig Lutke
©2004 Ibidis Mortem Productions




**

Pre show set is:

- Maroon, Galleon, E, Harvey, and Captain Whitebeard inside the ship.

- Locken Key inside the Fort.

- Chomp, Retch, Hork, and Squat inside/behind the vardo

- Margaret in the audience

**

 

(E, Galleon, and Harvey emerge from inside the belly of the ship with bottles and mugs in their hands and stagger to various points on the ship, slumping down into drunken slumber. Galleon ends up on the bowsprit.)

 

(Locken emerges from the tower gate with a sackful of bottles over his shoulder. He begins placing the bottles on top of crates, barrels, and pilings around the fort in front of obvious traps, including the loop trap on the lasso in Section F.)

 

Locken:

(Noticing the audience watching)

Well, greetings good citizens. How are you all on this fine spring day? (Acts like someone says something in the audience) Whatís that? Well, of course I noticed the large pirate ship sitting here at the end of the dock. We guards here at Castleton Harbor Fort have eyes like eagles. Well, we guard, I should say, since Iím the only guard here at the Fort.

Youíre likely wondering why Iím not loading our cannons and trying to blow this leaky crate out of the water. Well, these pirates docked here last night and havenít done anything but drink since they dropped anchor, so Iím laying a few traps for the rascals here and using my best pirate bait to lure Ďem in. (hefts up a bottle and takes a large swing, belching if possible) Ah, now thatís some fine bait.

Besides, pirates are the least of my worries. There are worse things in these parts than buccaneers you know. Nasty, slimy things. Iím talking about the vicious, scaly dragonmen of the woods and their evil mother, the mighty dragon Yohko. (Oh no!) Hold on a minute here. Some of you must be new this part. When someone says the name of the evil dragon, you all have to say Oh No! Letís try it together. Yohko! (Oh no!) Thatís better. If you children donít get the joke, donít worry, someone over 40 will explain it to you.

(Locken lights the fuse on a bomb and stands up holding it in his hands)

Now, I must be away to maintain my constant vigil to keep the fort and the village free of pirates, dragonmen, or whoever may try to invade. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can slip past my ever-watchful eyes.

(Locken stands there for a moment in section E grinning at the audience, oblivious to the lit bomb, until he finally notices and throws it over the wall above Section H, where it explodes)

 

(Concussion Bomb in Section H) Ė (1)

 

(The explosion wakes up E, Harvey, and Galleon with a start, causing them to fall off their perches. Galleon falling into the water.)

 

††††† {10í Fall into Water}

 

 

 

Locken:

(Grins abashedly at the audience)

††††††††††† Whoops.

 

(Locken dashes for the gate to the fort and disappears inside before the pirates recover)

 

**

Locken moves to the upper section of the fort behind Section H.

**

 

E:

††††††††††† What in the blue wavezes was that?

Maroon:

(poking his head up from the behind section B and wearing an apron and chefís hat.)

††††††††††† Do you three mind? Iím trying to start a soufflť here.

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† It wasnít us, Maroon.

 

(Galleon emerges from the ladder behind section E and moves towards the ships ladder.)

 

E:

††††††††††† Galleon mustíve had beans for dinner again.

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† If ye ask me, the little bugger should have his porthole sewed shut and tarred.

 

Maroon:

(turning towards the bow)

††††††††††† You hear that, you slimy, bilge-sucking, son of aÖ Hey, whereíd he go?

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Iím down here you hairy windbag.

 

Maroon:

Oh good, youíre washing up before dinner. See if you can pick me up some scallops while youíre in there.

 

(Maroon exits into the waist of the ship)

 

**

Maroon grabs a plate full of stinky food from inside the ship.

**

 

E:

(to Galleon)

††††††††††† Youíd better hurry up, I heard there are dragons in these latitudes.

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Oh, aye. Youíre a funny bosun arenít you? Tell me another one ya big uglyÖ

 

Harvey:

(excitedly pointing to something behind Galleon)

††††††††††† Look out behind you!!

 

(Galleon shrieks like a girl and charges headfirst into the side of the ship, knocking himself loopy)

 

Harvey:

(wiping tears of laughter from his eyes)

††††††††††† Oh, aye. Youíre a tough guy, ainít ya?

 

Galleon:

(pulling out his flintlock)

††††††††††† Get back here you scurvy dogs.

 

(Galleon pursues Harvey and E around the deck of the ship silently)

 

††††† [Dragonmen Entrance Music]

 

††††† (Smoke from the gypsy vardo behind the audience.)

 

(Retch, Chomp, Squat, and Hork make their entrance through the smoke.)

 

Chomp:

(Waving her hand in front of her face to clear the smell)

††††††††††† Wow, Squat. You really need to do something about that body odor.

 

Retch:

Yeah, how are we ever going to sneak up on these humans at the fort if you keep stinking the place up.

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Yeah, stinking the place up. Huh huh.

 

Squat:

††††††††††† I canít help it guys. I must be oozing charm today.

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† Thatís not charm youíre oozing, stinky.

 

Hork:

(Loudly)

††††††††††† Yeah, stinky!

 

Retch:

††††††††††† Hork, be quiet.

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Sorry.

 

(The dragonmen have positioned themselves beside Margaret in the audience)

 

Retch:

††††††††††† Well, thereís the fort. It looks easy enough to attack.

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Yeah, attack!

 

Squat:

††††††††††† Well, what are we waiting for? Mom said to get in there and kill some humans.

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Our mom, Yohko?

 

(Oh No!)

 

(The force of the audienceís voices causes Hork to stumble backwards into Margaret, who rises in indignation)

 

Margaret:

Hey, hey, hey. Do you mind? I didnít pay good money to come in here and get sat on by you.

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Weíre sorry.

 

Retch:

††††††††††† No, weíre not. (slaps Hork in the back of the head)

 

Hork:

††††††††††† No, weíre not.

 

Margaret:

You know? Youíre lucky I donít sue you all.

 

Retch:

††††††††††† You want to threaten us, lady?

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† Then weíre gonna threaten you.

 

Squat:

††††††††††† But weíre gonna follow through with it!

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Kill! Yeah, yeah.

 

††††† [Begin Fight Music 1]

 

(The dragonmen advance threateningly on Margaret, forcing her to back up the ramp onto the dock.)

 

Margaret:

††††††††††† Whoa, now. Hold on just a second.

 

(A fight ensues between Margaret and the dragonmen where Margaret clubs them all with her handbag until one of them takes it away from her. Margaret climbs the ladder towards Section G.)

 

Squat:

††††††††††† What does she have in that thing?

 

(Chomp reaches in the bag to pull out a large rock from Margaretís handbag)

 

Retch:

††††††††††† Címon, letís get her.

 

(Retch and Squat climb the ladder to pursue Margaret)

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† Hold on, Hork. Iíve got an idea.

 

(Chomp takes Hork to wait below the slide pole)

 

(Margaret waits until Squat and Retch get close before sticking her tongue out at them and sliding down the slide pole to escape. Squat and Retch slide down the pole landing behind Margaret.)

 

(Chomp confronts her when she lands with Hork standing behind her)

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† Now, weíve got ya, human.

 

(Margaret tries to deliver a kick to Chomp, who dodges to the side, causing the kick to strike Hork in the crotch)

 

(Margaret tries to run away from them towards the ladder, but Retch and Squat grab her from behind and drag her off behind the boxes outside Section F. Chomp and the gingerly walking Hork follow.)

 

††††† [End Fight Music 1]

 

**

Margaret changes from human to dragonwoman outfit.

**

 

(Galleon has Harvey and E cornered on the bow of the ship with the plank run out.)

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† All right Harvey, ya bugger. Try to scare me, will ya? Time to walk the plank.

 

(Harvey steps onto the plank and moves towards the edge with Galleonís chuckles echoing in the background. Harvey pretends to notice something in the water below.)

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† You do know that thereís a chest of gold buried down there, right?

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Do I look like a stupid landlubber to you? Iím not going to fall for that.

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† No problem. That just means more booty for me.

 

E:

††††††††††† And me. Iím into the booty, ya know.

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Oh no ya donít. That loot is mine. (to Harvey) Get back here. (To E) Hold this.

 

(Galleon hands his flintlock to E and scrambles out onto the plank before realizing he has been had)

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Aw no.

 

(Galleon looks back at Harvey and E, who gesture for him to take a dive)

 

(Galleon simply shrugs and steps off into the water.)

 

††††† {10í Fall into Water}

 

E:

(to Galleon)

††††††††††† You know, youíre lucky the captain doesnít pee off the bow of the ship any more.

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† Well, not as much, anyway.

 

Galleon:

(Coming up the ladder on the back of the dock)

††††††††††† So thatís what smells like whiskey. (smells his shirt). Ugh. Now I do have to take a bath.

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† Now hold on a minute. (takes a big sniff of the air) Itís not Galleon that smells like whiskey.

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Itís not?

 

(Galleon takes a big sniff of his shirt until he gets loopy and falls over backwards into the water again)

 

E:

††††††††††† Well what is it? (takes a big sniff of the air)

 

(E & Harvey take turns making loud sniffing noises)

 

(Maroon emerges from the ship with a plate of some unknown substance and approaches E.)

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Do you guys think this looks ready?

 

(Maroon holds the plate under Eís nose right as he takes a deep sniff. E reacts by making a violent jerk, yelling, and falling over backwards into the hold of the ship.)

 

††††† {5í Low Fall}

 

**

E grabs a burlap sack from inside the ship.

**

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Yeah, thatís good isnít it? (takes a sniff of the plate) Tuna & limburger.

 

(Maroon exits into the waist of the ship)

 

(Harvey takes one more sniff and then focuses on the bottles lying around Section F.)

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† Aha! Thereís where itís coming from. (points to the bottles). Booze overboard, boys!

 

(Harvey moves to come down the slide pole to the dock)

(A lot of loud crashing noise comes from the ship as E pops his head up from the waist)

 

E:

††††††††††† Booze? Make a hole ya buggers! Bosun cominí through!

 

(Harvey makes his way down the dock and barrels by Galleon as he finishes his climb back up the ladder)

 

Galleon:

Well, if this town didnít have a nasty water supply before, it does now. I shouldnít have eaten that Thai food last night. (notices Harvey running by) Whatís going on, Harvey?

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† Beer run!

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Beer! Where?

 

(Galleon moves to follow Harvey towards Section F when E comes stomping up from behind)

 

E:

††††††††††† Oh no ya donít.

 

(E takes his burlap sack and stuffs it over Galleonís head and delivers a Galleon a kick to the groin before moving on towards the bottles in Section F.)

 

E:

††††††††††† He could never hold his liquor anyway.

 

(Harvey finds a whiskey bottle near the fort and plops down on a crate to start drinking.)

 

(E makes it to Harvey and grabs the breakaway bottle from a barrel and also grabs one from Harveyís hand and takes a drink. Harvey looks outraged and grabs his bottle back from E. E grabs the bottle back and as he takes a drink, Harvey does a foot stomp, causing E to make a spit take in Harveyís face before he wails in pain.)

 

(As Harvey takes a swig of the bottle, E smashes the breakaway bottle over his head.)

 

††††† {Bottle Smash}

 

(Harvey freezes in the act of drinking and topples to the side as E reclaims the bottle from his hand)

 

(Locken emerges from behind the wall in Section H and cautiously observes the pirates)

 

(Galleon finally extricates himself from the sack and makes it to where E is drinking and Harvey is recovering)

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† There still any left for me?

 

E:

††††††††††† Not over here. These are mine, stolen fair and square.

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Fine, these look better over here anyway.

 

(Galleon moves over to the back part of Section F where he grabs a bottle and hooks himself into the snare line, disguising the move by rummaging through a box looking for rum)

 

E:

††††††††††† Now this is the pirateís life. Nothing to do but drink lots oí rum and plunder lots oí towns.

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† Aye, yer right there, E. A grand life it is!

 

(The pirates again bellow out laughter and ďArrĒs, slowly dwindling down until theyíre not making any noise any more and they just look around.)

 

E:

††††††††††† Is kind of boring though, isnít it?

 

(Harvey and Galleon immediately mumble their agreement)

 

(Locken leans out over the edge and spies the pirates, the looks out to the crowd, placing his finger over his lips.)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† ShhhhhÖ.

 

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Did you guys hear something?

 

(Locken reaches for a rope hanging from the wall in Section G.)

 

E:

††††††††††† What did it sound like?

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† It sounded like someone went ďShhhhÖeeeyaaaaaaaa

 

(Galleon is yanked up by the snare line in Section K)

 

††††† {Snare Line}

 

E:

††††††††††† NoÖ I didnít hear anything like that.

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† It was more of a generic shushing sound, right?

 

E:

††††††††††† Right.

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Hey idiots! One of you want to give me a hand here?

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† Fer the love oí pete, Galleon. What did you do?

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† I didnít do nothiní. I was just standing here.

 

(Locken moves to the slide pole in Section H)

 

E:

Yer always haviní ta touch somethiní arenít ya? First itís the ships wheel, then itís the gunpowder, then itís the cabin boyÖ††

 

(Maroon emerges from the waist of the ship with a plate of snacks)

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Who wants to be the first to cut the cheese?

 

E:

(moving to stand with his butt to Galleonís face)

††††††††††† Ooh! Me! Iíll cut the cheese!

 

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† No he wonít!

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† What are you brass monkeys doing over there?

 

E, Galleon, & Harvey:

(Pointing at one another)

††††††††††† He did it!

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Um, did either of you two calamari notice the guard standing above your heads?

 

(E and Harvey both look up at Locken, who smiles and waves to them)

 

E:

††††††††††† Oh sure, we knew he was there the whole time.

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Oh, you knew no such thing.

 

(The Relief Guard emerges over the wall in Section H and moves to stand on the platform)

 

Maroon:

(moving to the bow swivel gun)

††††††††††† Donít worry, Iíll take care of the bugger.

 

Locken:

Ha! You canít kill me. My relief guard just showed up, and now weíll decimate the lot of you.

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Really?

 

(Maroon fires the swivel gun at the fort, causing an explosion in Section H that sends the relief guard flying into the water)

 

(Swivel Gun Blast in Section D.)

 

(Sonic/Smoke blast in Section H.) Ė (2)

 

††††† {Trampoline Bounce}

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Oh well. So much for reinforcements.

 

Maroon:

Harvey, youíre the surgeon, get Galleon down from there so we can eat. I made your favorite, Crabcolodas!

 

(Maroon goes back into the waist)

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† All right, let a doctor take care of this. (reaches out towards E) Scalpel.

 

(E places a dagger in Harveyís hands.)

 

(Harvey reaches for the rope holding Galleon up when Locken slides down the pole, landing in section K and drawing his sword)

 

Locken:

All right, you bandits, surrender now and I wonít be forced to slay you all with my fabulous sword fighting skills.

 

(Locken flourishes his weapon. E and Harvey look at each other and all of the pirates, including Galleon, pull a pistol and point it at Locken.)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Oh, think youíre pretty smart, eh? Well, letís see you hit a moving target!

 

(Locken starts dodging back and forth in an attempt to confuse the pirates.)

 

E:

††††††††††† Should I?

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† Youíd better, this is depressing to watch.

 

(E fires his pistol, hitting the barrel of black powder behind Locken. The resulting explosion sends Locken flat on the ground in front of the pirates.)

 

(Pistol Fire in Section K.)

 

(Sonic/Smoke blast in Section F.) Ė (3)

 

(Harvey picks up Lockenís sword from the dock as Locken drags himself to his feet)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Well, that could have worked out better.

 

 

E:

Donít move, ya barnacle. You and your fort are now in the hands of the most ruthless pirate crew to ever sail the 5 seas.

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† Seven.

 

E:

††††††††††† What?

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† There are seven seas.

 

E:

††††††††††† No thereís not. Thereís 5.

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† Listen, ya talking marlin, I was educated at Oxford!

 

(Harvey and E break into a bickering argument, ignoring Locken standing before them.)

(Locken makes a move to disarm Harvey and reclaims his sword, backing away towards the center of the dock)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Ha! Now whoís in whoís hands, eh?

 

(E takes his pistol and aims it towards Locken, calculatingly pulling back the hammer)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† What do you think youíre doing? Youíve already fired your shot.

 

E:

(looking dejected)

††††††††††† AwwÖ

 

(Galleon cocks his pistol and points it at Locken)

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Ha! Looks like youíre done for, mate.

 

(Locken reaches out and spins Galleon around on his rope.)

 

††††† [Begin Fight Music 2]

 

(E helps Galleon to the ground as Harvey engages Locken)

 

(Galleon ends up entangled in a pile of rope that came from the snare)

 

(A sword fight erupts between Locken, E, and Harvey in Sections E & F. It ends with Locken facing E and Harvey with his back to the ship in front of a gunport)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† You had enough yet, you filthy pirates?

 

E:

††††††††††† Donít you worry, ya bugger. Youíll get whatís coming to ya.

 

 

Locken:

††††† ††††† Oh really? Which one of you is gonna give it to me then?

 

(Maroon reaches out through the gunport and smashes Lockenís head with a skillet, sending him collapsing into arms of E while Harvey collects his sword again.)

 

††††† [End Fight Music 2]

 

Maroon:

(Poking his head through the portal)

No fighting in the kitchen. (to Harvey & E) You two hurry up and capture that fort so we can eat.

 

(Maroon hands a pirate flag to Harvey through the gunport and disappears back inside)

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† All right, Iíll take care of putting our roger up. You get this lubber stowed away in the brig.

 

(Harvey heads up the ladder towards Section G to raise the pirate flag and E moves towards the shipís ladder)

 

**

Harvey hands off Eís flintlock backstage to get it reloaded.

**

 

E:

Easy for you to say, you donít have to lug him up the ladder. (Stops and looks around) You know, I canít help but think that weíre forgetting something.

 

(Galleon gives an ostentatious cough from where he is entangled in the rope)

 

E:

††††††††††† Oh well, Iím sure itíll come to me. Now letís figure out a way to get you up there, ya lubber.

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† I knew I should have signed up with Blackbeardís crew. Well, at least it canít get any worse.

 

(E has a rope tossed over the rail which he begins to loop under Lockenís arms.)

 

††††† [Dragonmen Entrance Music]

 

††††† (Smoke from the boxes beside the fall pad.)

 

 

(Chomp, Retch, Hork, Squat, and the newly-transformed Ripp enter from around the crate faÁade towards the crowd.)

 

Squat:

††††††††††† Way to go Retch. Your magic turned this human into a dragon.

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† Big improvement, if you ask me. Anyone seen any food around here?

 

Retch:

††††††††††† What can I say? Iím a maestro. How do you feel, Ripp?

 

Ripp:

††††††††††† I may be bad, but I feel good.

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Yeah, good!

 

Squat:

††††††††††† Wait Ďtil we get a chance to introduce you to Mom.

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Our mom Yohko!

 

All Dragonwomen:

††††††††††† Hork, be quiet.

 

(Galleon takes notice of the dragonmen)

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Hey!

 

Squat:

(gesturing to the audience)

††††††††††† We might wanna try keeping them quiet, too.

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† We could eat Ďem.

 

Retch:

††††††††††† AwÖ the human saw us. Thatís a bad break.

 

Squat:

(pulling out the talisman of bad luck)

††††††††††† Sorry, it must be my magic talisman of bad luck.

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† Why would you want to keep around a talisman of bad luck?

 

Squat:

††††††††††† ĎCause itís cuddly.

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† Iíll bet it tastes good with ketchup, too.

 

(Chomp/Squat struggle for the talisman, but Chomp ends up with it as the dragonmen surround Galleon)

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† E? E!!! The dragonmen are coming! Need a little help here!

 

Squat:

(peering at Galleon)

††††††††††† What do you think it is?

 

Retch:

††††††††††† I think itís a human.

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† Well, itís nice of Ďem to leave us with some food. Iím starving.

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Heh, heh. Food!

 

(The dragonmen slowly close in on Galleon, their hands out to grab him)

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† You really donít want to eat me. Iím all skinny and tough andÖ E!!!

 

(E hears Galleon and turns to confront the dragonmen. His motion wakes up Locken.)

 

E:

††††††††††† What the flying fish?!? You mean there really are dragonmen?

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Iíve been trying to tell you.

 

E:

††††††††††† Hang on, little buddy. Iím coming to help.

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Oh boy, now Iím saved.

 

Retch:

(to Squat and Chomp)

††††††††††† You two get him out of there while we kill this pirate.

 

(Squat and Hork lower Galleon from the noose and take him through the door to the fort)

 

**

Galleon changes into his dragonman trappings.

Squat moves to the zip line cradle in the back of the tower and raises the dragonman flag.

**

 

††††† [Begin Fight Music 3]

 

(Retch, Ripp, and Chomp engage E in a brief sword fight. When they get close to Locken, he tries to enter the fight)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Ha! Die Dragonmen!

 

(Locken lunges forward, but ends up getting yanked backwards by the tied rope)

 

(E appears to be holding up well against the dragonmen initially and forces a stand-off on the dock)

 

Ripp:

††††††††††† Heís too big. How are we going to beat him?

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† With this!

 

(Chomp reaches takes out the talisman of bad luck)

 

Retch:

††††††††††† The Talisman of Bad Luck

 

Chomp:

(to E)

††††††††††† Heh, heh. Youíre in for it now, buddy.

 

(Chomp tosses the talisman to E, who catches it)

 

E:

††††††††††† This is bad luck? How can it be bad luck? Itís so cute and cuddlyÖ

 

(E rubs it on his face, only to elicit a sneeze that causes him to drop his sword, trip over it and ends up getting hit on the head by Chomp from her chicken-chucks. E slumps to the dock by the ladder.)

 

††††† [End Fight Music 3]

 

Ripp:

††††††††††† What did you hit him with?

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† Bad luck chucks.

 

(Maroon emerges from the waist of the ship in time to see E get taken down)

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Harvey! Get off yer backside! The dragonmen have taken Galleon.

 

Harvey:

Dragonmen! Ha! Now, yer talkiní fairy-tales, Maroon. Everyone knows there is no such thing as dragonmÖ

 

(Squat pops up from behind the low wall in Section H, making faces at Harvey)

 

(Harvey screams and runs to the slide pole and slides to the dock. He then runs towards Section E.)

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† Youíre right, Maroon! Thereís a dragon-thingie up there on theÖ

 

(Harvey sees the dragonmen in Section E, then turns and runs into the ladder trying to escape and ends up slumped down in a comical position on top of E.)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Youíll never take me out so easily, you villains. Now come over here so I can stab you.

 

(Chomp, Ripp, and Retch move to the edge of Lockenís reach and taunt him as he tries to reach them. This continues for a few moments until Maroon attracts their attention from the waist of the ship)

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Yoo-hoo.

 

(The dragonmen look up and see Maroon brandishing his cutlass and then chop the rope tethering Locken to the ship)

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Sic Ďem, ya mackerel.

 

††††††† [Begin Fight Music 4]

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Kill the Lizards!

 

(Locken engages Ripp, Chomp, and Retch in a fight in Section E.)

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† I love my job.

 

(Maroon watches the fight between Locken and the dragonmen which continues until Locken looks to have won, only to get kicked into the deep end by a kick from Chomp on the sliding rope after having Ripp toss him the talisman of bad luck)

 

††††† [End Fight Music 4]

(Maroon comes down to the dock)

 

Ripp:

††††††††††† So, you think we should turn him into a dragonman?

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† That guy? Heíd never cut it as a dragonman.

 

Locken:

(from the water)

††††††††††† Youíll never take me alive!

 

Retch:

††††††††††† If thatís the way you want it.

 

(Retch hefts her spear as if to spear Locken with it, but is interrupted by the sound of Maroon cocking his pistol)

 

Maroon:

Uh-uh. No killing the lilí bugger. He has the keys to the fort and Iím gonna be neediní those.

 

Locken:

(from the water)

††††††††††† Heís right, I do.

 

Maroon & Retch:

(to Locken)

††††††††††† Shut up.

 

(Chomp and Ripp both stick their tongues out at Locken, making a raspberry sound)

 

Retch:

††††††††††† What do you want, then?

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Letís make a deal. He throws me the keys and then you can kill him.

 

Locken

(from the water)

††††††††††† Hey, thatís not fair!

 

Maroon & Retch:

(to Locken)

††††††††††† Shut up.

 

(Chomp and Ripp both stick their tongues out at Locken, making a raspberry sound)

 

Retch:

HmmmÖ deal! We donít need the keys anyway, weíve already taken the fort, see? (points to the green dragonman flag)

 

Retch:

††††††††††† Shake on it?

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Sure.

 

(Maroon and Retch reach to shake hands. Retch ends up getting Maroonís gun and he misses her spear.)

 

Retch:

††††††††††† Ha! (tosses the flintlock to Chomp) Hold this would you?

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† Cool! Dinner!

 

(Chomp tries to take a bite out of the gun, but Ripp takes it away)

 

Ripp:

††††††††††† Itís not food, itís a spyglass!

 

(Ripp and Chomp try to take turns looking through the barrel of the pistol)

 

(Maroon reaches for another pistol, but Retch stops him by pointing her spear at his chest. Maroon smiles weakly at her)

 

Maroon:

(pointing at a spot behind Retch)

††††††††††† Look, defenseless babies!

 

All Dragonwomen:

(turning to look)

††††††††††† Where?

 

(Maroon takes a step back and draws his cutlass and boarding dagger, facing off against the dragonwomen, who realizes their mistake and turn to fight)

 

††††††† [Begin Fight Music 5]

 

(A fight erupts between Maroon, Retch, Ripp, and Chomp that ends up with Maroon getting pinned in the corner of Section E next to the ship)

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† So, where are ya gonna run to now, human?

 

Ripp:

††††††††††† Looks like youíre all out of dock space.

 

(Maroon smiles at the dragonwomen and thumps on the side of the ship where a gun port opens and a 12Ē cannon emerges, pointing at the dragonwomen)

 

(The dragonwomen turns their heads in unison and look at the cannon, then look at each other, then turn and run for the opening in the boxes by the fall pad in Section F and exit)

 

**

Retch, Ripp, and Galleon put on their hand loads.

Chomp and Squat grab their fire-breathing kits.

**

 

(Maroon moves to towards the center of Section E. Locken comes up the ladder to Section E)

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Oh, there ye are. Why donít you be a good little bugger and give me those keys.

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Oh no ya donít. You donít think Iím about to give the keys up to a pirate, do ya?

 

Maroon:

(Pointing his cutlass at Locken)

††††††††††† I could just run ye through.

 

(Locken ponders for a second)

 

Locken:

(Pointing to a spot behind Maroon)

††††††††††† Look, defensless cabin boys!

 

(Maroon half turns before realizing his mistake)

 

(Locken moves to collect his dropped sword in Section F)

 

(Maroon charges Locken and the two exchange a brief flurry of swords)

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Harvey! E! Pump yer scuppers dry and get over here to help me.

 

(Another exchange happens between Maroon & Locken and the pirates do not move.)

 

Maroon:

(half-turning to E & Harvey and delivering a kick)

††††††††††† Hey you two! I said get up!

 

(Locken reaches out and takes away one of Maroonís live guns as the E & Harvey rise to their feet)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Ha! All right, you three. Youíre all captured!

 

(Maroon, E, and Harvey all turn and face Locken)

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Avast there, ya lubber. No need to get your sails bent.

 

(Maroon takes a step towards Locken)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Stop right there. Iíve got your gun and I know how to use it.

 

E:

††††††††††† No he doesnít. He doesnít even have it cocked.

 

(Upon hearing Eís words, Locken cocks the gun and points it at the pirates, who turn to glare at E, who shrugs)

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† Aw, he doesnít have the guts to use that thing.

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Listen you. Iím gonna shoot you, then skin you, then eat you, then spit you up, thenÖ

 

Harvey:

(lunging forward)

††††††††††† Boo!

 

(Locken lets out a scream and fires the gun straight in the air)

 

(Pistol Fire in Section K.)

 

(The pirates rise from where they ducked out of the way when the shot was fired and look at Locken, who stares at the pistol in amazement a moment before breaking down sobbing)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Iím the worst guard in the world.

 

(The pirates move to console Locken in the middle of the dock)

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† No. Youíre not the worst guard in the world.

 

E:

††††††††††† Youíre not good, though.

 

Maroon:

(Thumping E on the shoulder)

††††††††††† Címon, letís go aboard and weíll discuss a possible career change. Can you fit in a barrel?

 

(The pirates lead Locken towards the ship and Maroon and Harvey make it to the top of the ship)

 

**

Harvey returns Eís loaded gun.

Maroon hands his flintlock off to get reloaded.

**

 

††††††† [Dragonmen Entrance Music]

 

††††† (Smoke from behind the wall in Section H and inside the fort in Section F.)

 

(As the music goes off, Locken stops and looks disgusted)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Uh oh. I know what that sound means.

 

(The dragonmen enter, with Retch entering form the fort and Hork from the top of the wall on the first stanzas, then Ripp from the Fort on the 3rd, then Galleon in his dragonman outfit enters on the last verse from the top of the wall)

 

E:

††††††††††† Oh, no problem. At least they brought Galleon back.

 

Retch:

††††††††††† Thatís what you think. Let me introduce you to the newest dragonman, Barf!

 

Locken:

††††††††††† That has to be the worst magical transformation Iíve ever seen.

 

Retch:

††††††††††† Hork!

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Whoops! My bad. Sorry.

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Galleon. Get over here with us pirates.

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Nuh-uh. Iím a dragonman now. See? Iíve got horns!

 

(Galleon wiggles his bad horns at everyone)

 

E:

(to Locken)

††††††††††† Youíre right. That is some bad magic.

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Fine, you want to see some real magic! You got it!

 

(Galleon casts a magic spell, causing an explosion behind him on the platform to the tower, and blowing Hork off into the boxes by the tower)

 

(Hand Blast from Galleon in Section I.)

 

(Red Magic blast in Section I.) Ė (5)

 

††††† {9í Tower Fall}

 

(The pirates begin laughing)

 

Retch:

††††††††††† Barf! Stop it. You havenít been a dragonman long enough to cast spells!

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Well, maybe you should have told me that in the first place.

 

Ripp:

††††††††††† Ooh. Ooh. Let me try.

 

Locken:

††††††††††† This oughta be good.

 

(Ripp casts a spell, causing an explosion in Section E by the ship and ends up starting a bunch of bubbles from by the ship and starting up disco music)

 

(Hand Blast from Ripp in Section F.)

 

(Red Magic Flash blast in Section E.) Ė (6)

 

(Bubbles from the starboard side of the ship by the dock in Section E.)

 

††††† [Begin Dance Music]

 

(All people on stage begin dancing for the duration of the music)

 

††††† [End Dance Music]

Ripp:

††††††††††† Well, that wasnít what I expected.

 

Retch:

Itís all right, sweetie. Youíre brand new. (Pats Ripp on the head) The rest of us, on the other handÖ

 

(Retch opens the door to the fort and Chomp and Squat come running out with lit torches)

 

††††††† [Begin Magic Fight Music]

 

E:

††††††††††† Uh oh. I think this one is going to hurt.

 

(Chomp and Squat breathe fire towards E and Locken making them to run, pulling each other off the ladder)

 

(Fire Breathing from Chomp & Squat in Section E.)

 

(Chomp and Squat exit back through the door to the Fort)

 

Retch:

††††††††††† All right, now itís my turn.

 

(Retch casts a spell towards Locken and E, causing an explosion from the pier behind them)

 

(Hand Blast from Retch in Section F.)

 

(Red Magic blast in Section E.) Ė (7)

 

(E and Locken are thrown forward onto the dock)

 

(At Maroonís laughter, Retch casts a spell towards him, causing an explosion by the railing of the foredeck and sending him sprawling)

 

(Hand Blast from Retch in Section F.)

 

(Red Magic blast in Section D.) Ė (8)

 

(Harvey bursts into laughter after seeing Maroon go down)

 

Retch:

††††††††††† Ripp?

 

(Ripp casts a spell towards Harvey causing a blast in Section A, knocking Harvey to the quarterdeck)

 

(Hand Blast from Ripp in Section F.)

 

(Red Magic blast in Section A.) Ė (9)

 

Ripp:

††††††††††† I got one! I got one!

 

(E and Locken rise from the dock and E draws his flintlock.)

 

E:

††††††††††† So? You want to make explosions, eh? Boys?

 

(E, Maroon, and Harvey stand up and fire their flintlocks towards the dragonmen in Section F)

 

(Flintlock fire from E in Section F, Harvey in Section A, and Maroon in Section D)

 

(The dragonmen all cower in fear, but end up not getting hit)

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† Now how did all three of us miss them?

 

(E takes out the talisman of bad luck and holds it in the air)

 

E:

††††††††††† Whoops! Forgot I had this.

 

(E tosses the talisman towards the dragonmen and Ripp ends up catching it)

 

(Locken takes a gun from Eís belt)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Here, let me show you pirates how to do this.

 

(Locken swings the pistol around in an arc, forcing E to duck before he takes aim on the dragonmen and fires, causing an explosion beside Galleon in Section H, sending Galleon sprawling to the platform).

 

(Flintlock fire from Locken in Section E.)

 

(Smoke/Sonic blast in Section H.) Ė (10)

 

 

Maroon:

Enough of this scuttlebutt. Letís show these dragonmen how us pirates do things. (draws his sword) Roll out the guns!

 

(The gun ports on the ship open and the 3 12Ē cannons roll out simultaneously)

 

E:

(grabbing Locken and pulling him down)

††††††††††† Duck, swabbie.

 

Maroon:

††††††††††† Take aim!

 

(Hork comes running in from the boxes to rejoin the other dragonmen)

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Hey guys, Iím all right. Not a scratch on mÖ.

 

(Hork stops when he sees the cannons pointing at him)

 

Maroon:

(pointing his sword forward)

††††††††††† Fire!

 

(The ships 12Ē cannons fire simultaneously towards the dragonmen, causing 2 explosions behind them, scattering them off the stage)

 

(Cannon blast in Section B/E.) Ė (11)

(Cannon blast in Section B/E.) Ė (12)

(Cannon blast in Section B/E.) Ė (13)

(Smoke/Sonic blast in Section F.) Ė (14)

(Smoke/Sonic blast in Section F.) Ė (15)

 

††††††† [End Magic Fight Music]

 

**

Hork, Retch, Ripp, & Chomp move off to the audience.

Squat moves to the zip line perch behind the tower.

**

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† Haha! We sure put it on Ďem that time!

 

(Harvey and Maroon both slide down to the dock to join E.)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Can I get up, now?

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† No, youíd better stay down for a while.

 

E/Ripp:

††††††††††† Well, the pirates got the fort back.

 

Maroon/Chomp:

††††††††††† Now can we eat?.

 

(Galleon wakes up and emits a loud groan)

 

Harvey & Retch:

What about Galleon/Barf? We need to get him down fromÖ (they both are pointing to Galleon and then look at each other)

 

All:

Heís ours! No, heís ours! Stop talking like me! No, you stop!

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† All right, all right. Thereís a civilized way to settle this.

 

(Both Retch and Harvey start trying to call Galleon like a puppy)

 

(Galleon hops up and slides down the pole, runs to the edge of the dock, and looks back and forth anxiously. He then ends up tearing off his horns and stomps off towards the fort)

 

Galleon:

††††††††††† Itís just too much pressure for me!

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† Man, lost another dragonman. Maybe we should just leave and get some take out.

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Leave!?! Weíre not going to leave. No leaving. Nuh-uh.

 

Retch:

††††††††††† Well what else are we going to do, theyíve got guns!

 

Hork:

††††††††††† But they canít call on a mother like ours.

 

Ripp:

††††††††††† You mean our motherÖ?

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Yes.

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† Ö the mother of all mothers Ö

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Yes.

 

Retch:

††††††††††† ÖThe mighty and evil dragonÖ

 

Hork:

††††††††††† YeeesÖ

 

(The dragonwomen all look at each other)

 

Retch:

††††††††††† Go ahead and say it.

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Yohko!

 

(Oh no!)

 

(Stomping and growling is heard behind the fort as Yohko makes her appearance on the fort wall)

 

††††††† [Dragon stomps and growls]

 

**

Trees behind the fort are shaken. Yohkoís claw hooks on the wall and she rises up the wall.

**

 

(Green Magic blast in Section H.) Ė (16)

(Green Magic blast in Section H.) Ė (17)

 

(Smoke from Yohkoís nose.)

 

††††††† [Dragon roar]

 

(Maroon screams like a girl and runs up the ladder to the ship and ducks for cover)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Well, this canít be good.

 

Yohko:

I have come my children. Now tell me why you havenít killed these humans and taken the entire fort for me?

 

Hork:

††††††††††† You see, it all started whenÖ

 

(Chomp silences Hork with a smack on the shoulder)

 

Retch:

††††††††††† We were doing fine until they started using their cannons on us.

 

Yohko:

You donít need to worry about those now that Iím here. If they try to use cannons on you, Iíll burn them alive.

 

Harvey:

(walking towards Yohko)

††††††††††† Now hold on just a minute here. That hardly seems fairÖ

 

(Yohko roars loudly, causing Harvey to make a quick about face and walk back to the pirates)

 

††††††† [Dragon roar]

 

Harvey:

††††††††††† Changed me mind. Seems perfectly fair to me.

 

Yohko:

††††††††††† Now, my children, slay these humans and bring me their heads!

 

††††††† [Begin Flight of the Valkyries Music]

 

(Squat flies in from her perch behind the tower towards Maroon on the foredeck of the ship)

 

††††† {Zip Line}

 

(As she gets close, Maroon sidesteps her and she smashes into the foremast of the ship)

 

††††††† [End Flight of the Valkyries Music]

 

Yohko:

††††††††††† What about the rest of you? Get in there and kill!

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† UhhÖ. Charge!

 

††††††† [Begin Fight Music 7]

 

(The dragonmen all charge the dock, each picking up a human to go and fight.)

(Retch starts a fight with E in Section F)

(Chomp starts a fight with Locken in Section E)

(Hork starts a fight with Galleon in Section E)

(Ripp chases Harvey up the ladder and starts a fight with Harvey in Section H/I)

(Squat starts a fight with Maroon in Sections D/B/A.)

 

(Locken switches opponents with Galleon and Locken/Hork move to Section F)

(E and Retch move to the center of Section E)

(Harvey and Ripp come back down the pole to Section F)

(Hork chases Locken up the ladder and begins a fight in Section I)

(Chomp and Galleon move up the center of Section E)

(E and Retch move to the boat side of Section E)

 

(E defeats Retch by tangling her in the ladder in Section E)

(Galleon defeats Chomp in Section E)

(Harvey defeats Ripp in Section F)

(Maroon escapes from Squat by climbing to the main fighting top, taunting her)

(Hork chases after Locken in Section I, but Locken avoids his charge by swinging on the yardarm to the side of the tower, causing Hork to make a dive for him, but miss and fall into the boxes.)

 

††††† {Yardarm Swing}

††††† {9í Tower Fall}

 

††††††† [End Fight Music 7]

 

Yohko:

Havenít I taught you children any better than that? If I have to get down there, youíre all going back in your eggs!

 

Locken:

Now, hold on a second there, Yohko. Looks like we both have a problem with pirates here. What say we team up and get rid of them once and for all and go back to the way it was, with you trying to kill me and take over the town?

 

Yohko:

††††††††††† Ah, the good old days. We have a deal., but first things first. Time to kill some pirates.

 

(Yohko turns to face Harvey/Galleon who are standing triumphant near Section F and roars, shooting flame from her mouth and causing an explosion in Section F, sending Harvey and Galleon in the water, sending a splash into the crowd.)

 

††††††† [Dragon roar]

 

(Dragon flash from Yohko in Section H.)

 

(Green Magic blast in Section F.) Ė (18)

 

Yohko:

(pointing at E)

††††††††††† Now for you.

 

E:

††††††††††† UuuhhhÖ cannonball!

 

(E turns and makes a run for the end of the dock and jumps just as the explosion happens behind him at the end of the dock in Section E. The splash from E soaks down more of the audience.)

 

††††††† [Dragon roar]

 

(Dragon flash from Yohko in Section H.)

 

(Green Magic blast in Section E.) Ė (19)

 

(Chomp exits into the fort)

 

**

Chomp moves to the hollow on the top of the tower.

**

 

Yohko:

††††††††††† Now, whereís that other pirate?

 

(Squat begins climbing the shrouds after Maroon)

 

Locken:

(pointing to Maroon)

††††††††††† Heís over there.

 

Yohko:

††††††††††† Donít worry, Iím sure Squat will kill him for us.

 

(Squat reaches the main fighting top just as Maroon slides across to the fore fighting top)

 

††††† {Slide for Life}

 

Yohko:

††††††††††† Well, maybe not.

 

(Maroon turns and starts sticking his tongue out at Squat)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Why donít you kill him, too?

 

Yohko:

††††††††††† Iím scared Iíll hit my little girl.

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Oh, well then allow me.

 

(Locken jumps over the wall and uncovers the cannon next to him, pushing into better view)

 

(Squat calmly points behind Maroon to Lockenís cannon. Maroon turns to see the gun pointed at him)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Ready to have your timbers shivered?

 

(Maroon pouts disgustedly and makes a big show of stepping off the fighting top to his doom at the cannon fires, causing an explosion behind him and sending him into the hold below)

 

(Cannon blast in Section H.) Ė (20)

(Smoke/Sonic blast in the fighting top in Section A.) Ė (21)

 

††††† {15í Fall}

 

(Ripp and Retch move to the center of Section E. Chomp emerges to the top of the tower)

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Ha ha! High five!

 

(Locken reaches out to high five Yohko until he sees her claws and then retracts his hand quickly)

 

Yohko:

††††††††††† Well done, my children. These humans were no match for you.

 

Retch:

††††††††††† Well, except for one of us.

 

Ripp:

††††††††††† Yeah, Hork hurt himself again.

 

(Hork enters from the boxes, holding his head and staggering about)

 

Hork:

††††††††††† Naw, Iím all right. Iím used to falling down.

 

Locken:

Well now, looks like a happy ending. The pirates are all beaten, and things are back to normal around here.

 

Harvey:

(climbing up the ladder to the dock)

Aye, that might be true if we were all beaten, but you forgot about the most dangerous pirate of all.

 

Locken:

††††††††††† What pirate?

 

Harvey, Galleon, & E:

††††††††††† Oh, Captain!

 

(Captain Whitebeard comes up form the hold of the ship with a lit bomb in one hand)

 

Locken:

Oh, no! Itís him! The scourge of the seven seas! Captain Whitebeard himself! (to Yohko) Weíre all gonna die!

 

Yohko:

††††††††††† Well, maybe you will.

 

(Captain Whitebeard slides down the pole to the dock in Section E, takes out a bottle of liquor and proceeds to stagger towards the dragonmen on the dock)

 

(He staggeringly sidesteps a swipe from Retch, knocking her into the water by the ship. Then he trips and ends up ducking under a headswipe by Ripp, knocking her into the water. He then continues to cackle as he stalks towards Hork, who stands paralyzed with fear before dropping his sword and jumping into the water)

 

(The captain comes to stand by the ladder in Section E/F, gives couple of more cackles, takes a large swig of the liquor bottle contents, tosses the bomb into the air and passes out on the dock.)

 

(The bomb is caught accidentally by Locken, who frantically tries to find out what to do with it)

 

(Locken tosses the bomb over his shoulder into the alcove of the tower under Chomp)

 

Chomp:

††††††††††† No! Not up here! (to the audience) Well, this is gonna hurt. Mommmyyyyy!

 

(The bombís explosion blows Chomp off the tower into the boxes)

 

(Smoke/Sonic blast in the fighting top in Section A.) Ė (22)

 

††††† {20í Fall}

 

Locken:

††††††††††† Gone!

 

Yohko:

††††††††††† Did you just hurt one of children, human?

 

††††††† [Dragon growl]

 

Locken:

Me? Noooo. I think I heard her calling for you back there.

 

Yohko:

††††††††††† Really? Well come on, children. Letís go find your sister.

 

Retch:

††††††††††† But mom, we havenít killed the humans yet.

 

Yohko:

Weíll come back later and kill them then when weíre hungry. Remember what I taught you about not playing with your food?

 

All Dragonmen:

(Trudging despondently towards the fort)

††††††††††† Yes.

 

Yohko:

††††††††††† All right. When weíre done with that, weíll get some ice cream.

 

All Dragonmen:

††††††††††† Yay!

 

(The dragonmen exit through boxes by the fall pad and move behind the crowd. Yokho exits)

 

Locken:

Well, as you can tell this fort with never withstand another attack against the evil dragonmen without some more guards and better weapons. Weíre gonna need a lot more money to upgrade our defenses. Thatís where you come in. Only with your generous contributions can we protect the fort and our own hides from the vicious ravenous hordes of the vicious, evil, dread dragon Yohko!

 

Locken:

Thank you very much for watching the Dragon Attack Stunt Show, please give a hand for all of the hard working cast/crew what made the show possible. Enjoy the rest of your day in safety.

 

END

 

 



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